Sunday, April 24, 2005

I Have Claimed The Center!

Yea, I know, y'all all thought that I was conservative, but I have decided that from now on, the Liberals will be anyone left of me and the Conservatives will be anyone right of me. I AM A MODERATE!

Here's what moderate people believe:

1. Abortion for any reason is wrong. The moderate opinion is that babies are GOOD. To KILL babies is BAD.

2. Parading your sexual preferences in any forum is wrong. I couldn't care less if you like to clean your cat yourself, moderates want you to keep it to yourself. Unless you are kissing a member of the opposite sex, no public displays of affection should be shown.

3. Our American military houses some of the greatest human beings on the face of the planet. Moderates believe that if you continue to berate our military in the Congress, in the bar, in the library, or any other place, it is okay to KICK. YOUR. ASS. NO. QUESTIONS. ASKED.

4. All opinions are welcomed. Moderates believe that the free expression of ideas is a good thing. That First Amendment and all. Throwing a pie in the face of a speaker of differing opinions than yours, will earn you a broken nose or shoulder.

5. Discrimination on the basis of race, religion, or sex earns you an ass-whupping. Moderates think that everyone was endowed with the same rights from our Creator. I really don't know how to address the transgendered folks, maybe someone could help me out there. Just please don't use the urinal next to me. I might look.

6. Men and women are different. Moderates believe that those roles should maybe hang around in the same ballpark in which they have resided for a long damn time. Stay-at-home dads are the sole exception to the rule. Yea, I'm sure the wife is smarter than you, that actually goes without saying, but damn what a great job you have. (One Lucky Spotted-Horse) Wait, maybe she's not so smart after all.

7. Social security is just plain stupid. Moderates believe that the Federal Government should stick with the only thing at which they are good. Providing for our country's defense. Our military should kill people and break things, not deliver food and supplies to other countries, they are not pack mules, they are warriors.

8. Your salary is earned. Moderates believe that no matter where your station in life begins, you have the ability to become the sole inventor of a cure for cancer. There are no free rides in life. You must dig in and be the best you can be.

9. You owe no one the fruits of your life. Moderates believe that your paycheck belongs to you and your family. Anyone that tries to take part of your earnings is a thief. Thieves will be shot on site. Survivors will be shot again.

10. The Federal Government should never, ever be involved in medical care of the populace. Moderates believe that the government should be in charge of one thing and one thing only. See Number 7.

11. You must earn my love and respect. Moderates believe that you can be nice to anyone, but the trust, love, respect, and admiration is earned. My values are not to be given to anyone as alms. Buckle down, you want to earn my respect.

12. If you disagree with anything posted here, you are a Liberal. Moderates agree that anyone that disagrees with anything posted here, probably voted for Kerry and he ain't no Moderate.

UPDATE: Welcome to the Best of Me Symphony.
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58 comments:

Biognome said...

Hear hear! Having been party of the aforementioned military, I especially agree with #7.

Oddybobo said...

Hmm. . . so, I'm a Moderate?

Two Dogs said...

Yea, if you agree what's here. I've deccided that I am sick of whacked out Lefties calling themselves moderates. Howard Dean, Moderate? I don't think so. We are now the moderates.

Pam said...

Yay, I'm a moderate too!

Nzyme said...

>Parading your sexual preferences in any forum is wrong. I couldn't care less if you like to clean your cat yourself, moderates want you to keep it to yourself. Unless you are kissing a member of the opposite sex, no public displays of affection should be shown.

Ummmm, did I mention anything about "cat cleaning?" Sorry that I'm such a perv. Maybe if I hang around long enough, you can teach me how to be a GOOD little Moderate. Until then, I will refrain from mentioning Dolphie around you, ok??? OK???

Two Dogs said...

It wasn't about you at all, Nzyme. Please feel free to show all of your glass things and talk freely. We are all adults.

soundboyz said...

Good Lord, not the glass thingies!!!!

Imara said...

Two Dogs, I agree with 2,4,5,6,8,9,11. Why do I have to be a "Liberal"? Why do you have to be a "Moderate", why does someone who is far right of these ideals "Conversative"? I guess what I'm getting at is why do we have to put labels on everyone?

soundboyz said...

^ They have to lable everyone else because they are closed minded, closeted homosexual, depraved, lying , cheating, murderous, racist, self hating, greedy hypocritical, backstabbing, satanic worshipping, wise asses!!!!!That's why!!!!!

soundboyz said...

Sorry,.....I meant label.

Erik Grow said...

I think this one is aimed at me, so let me take a shot at it. First, I made these two posts before:

http://erikgrow.blogspot.com/2005/03/liberal-and-conservative-litmus-test.html

and then

http://erikgrow.blogspot.com/2005/04/ask-and-ye-shall-receive-pilgrims.html

I still never got a single issue from Two Dogs where the left wing and moderate wing of the Democratic party disagree and I fall on the left side, but I am still waiting. ;-) Two Dogs, you are a conservative because on issues that split your party, you fall solidly on the right side of nearly all of them.

You're right Imara, categorization is not really necessary, but if Two Dogs claims someone is something that they don't claim to be, to me that demands some sort of reasoning behind it.

KR said...

Two Dogs, my granddad is in Tulsa. I ought to get the two of you together sometime. You are two like-minded individuals :)

That said, I'm declaring myself right-wing.

1-Killing babies should not be allowed unless its in war, and then thats ok, folks, because its war. And I do make an exception for stupid people.. Stupid people should not be allowed to breed, its a crime against humanity. 2-I declare my sexual preference every time I go out in public, since I have rather large breasts -- I prefer to be female, you see. 3-The American Military houses the only great human beings on the planet, anyone who disagrees is having a psychotic break. 4-Fuck opinions, every asshole has one. You gotta have faith! 5-Don't discriminate--hate everyone equally. 6-Men and women are different. Women don't lose blood-flow to their brains when they have sex. 7-Social Insecurity is the only way to go. Make those old folks and cripples beg on the streets, where they belong. 8-Your salary is handed to you, bub, you don't work nearly hard enough. You should be putting in 18-hour days, like my bra. And its just grateful to be washed. 9-If your life is a fruit you should be shot. Pervert. 10-The Federal Government should be abolished. What the hell to we need a bunch of PAC-whores and public-dole bureaucrats for anyway? Public Defense? That is what your National Guardsmen are for. 11-Earn love and respect, hell, first you have to be worthy of it. Like my bra. 12-Call me a liberal will ya? Why I outta....

Imara said...

>You're right Imara, categorization is not really necessary, but if Two Dogs claims someone is something that they don't claim to be, to me that demands some sort of reasoning behind it.

Erik, I think the reasoning, although a bit harsh, isn't too far off from what Soundboyz said. The Republicans just feel the need to critcize anyone that doesn't agree with them.

soundboyz said...

>Erik, I think the reasoning, although a bit harsh, isn't too far off from what Soundboyz said. The Republicans just feel the need to critcize anyone that doesn't agree with them.

What the hell was so harsh about it Imara? Don't start with me today!!I'll cut you!!!

Imara said...

What the hell was so harsh about it Imara? Don't start with me today!!I'll cut you!!!

LOL... Soundboyz, after rereading your comment, I guess it wasn't THAT harsh. The truth just has a way of jumping up and smacking ya sometimes.... that one hurt!! LOL!!

soundboyz said...

Sometimes , you just have to label folks for what they truly stand for!!!Erik and you can be all politically correct and all that other shit, but thugs need thugs to put them in their place. That's the only thing that i'm upset with Dems about , they let the GOP out thug them. The Dems NEED some real killers and thugs like the GOP!!!Howard Dean ain't scaring shit with that yell!!!YYyyyeaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!

Imara said...

>Howard Dean ain't scaring shit with that yell!!!YYyyyeaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!

LOL!!!!!! I actually know someone that uses that "yell" as their ringtone!! It's funny the first couple of times that you hear it, and then you just want to smash the darn phone!

Two Dogs said...

So are y'all not moderate? I just can't figure this one out. Erik, it tis not aimed at you specifically. I just got tired of hearing about Howard Dean being a moderate, Kerry is a moderate, Clinton is a moderate. We all know that they are socialists (ie Leftists). I reclaiimed the center. I really didn't call you out specifically.

soundboyz said...

>I just got tired of hearing about Howard Dean being a moderate, Kerry is a moderate, Clinton is a moderate. We all know that they are socialists (ie Leftists).

Shit, if we were under socialism under 8 years of Clinton, then I want that shit back!!!What the problem seems to be is that under Clinton, everyone was doing so well, including the minorities. This pissed off all the racist nigger hating whites who hated to see blacks doing well and moving next door.This also showed that if given a fair chance, minorities can out perform and out achieve them.They want to "claim their country back" so they slimmed the middle class back down, and undid a lot of the positive effects of a booming economy!!Now, they are hell bent on eliminating the middle class, so they can say , see this country's fair,you niggers just screaming racism, I worked for everything I own , and if you lazy niggers just get up off your sorry asses, you can get a piece of the pie too!!Meanwhile, they fudge the numbers to make it seem as if we are doing just as good , if not better under this asshole!!!Good going guys!!!!YYYYyyyyyeeeeeeeaaaaaaHHHHH!

Erik Grow said...

Clinton was perhaps slightly left of absolute center, but was absolutely a moderate Democrat. I don't even see that as debatable. He was very pro-business, pro-NAFTA, pro-welfare reform. Aside from the health care issue in the first year of his term, what did he ever propose that was "socialist"? Is there no end of derogatory terms you can throw onto Democrats whether they fit or not?

Kerry, yes, he was probably in the more liberal camp. Dean, I wouldn't be so sure. It depends on the issue. He's got a bigger mouth than a lot of Dems, and he likes to fight for the sake of fighting a little too much sometimes, but that doesn't make him a liberal. Didn't he get a really good rating from the NRA?

Tom said...

The only "pro" that counts is pro-individual. A man cannot support "business" or "labor", while bearing his foot down on the people whom the business is made out of. A man cannot support the elderly, by holding his gun at their heads when they are young. Any attempt to extract a privilege for a "group," since everyone belongs to overlapping groups, is a form of plunder in which a man is helped in one way while injured in another.

The practice of dividing men into such groups- "the Homeless," "The Hungry," "Labor," is a liberal invention, designed to distract people from the fact that such groups overlap, and that they therefore propose a ludicrious scheme by which a man cuts off his own nose to spite the rest of his body.

Chris said...

You are right Two dogs greatest job in the world most days other days you just know people are going to find me with my head in the oven and a NO funeral sign on my back lol.

I did once get someone who asked if I wore a skirt because I was doing the "womans" job I said let me go put on my kilt and kick your ass around the block how would that make you field. He had no more questions lol

Nice post loved the Cat cleaning line classic stuff bro

Regards
GBfan

Chris said...

damn field = feel lol sorry no coffee yet
GBfan

Two Dogs said...

By the way, I was actually talking about Hillary Clinton, not Bill, but since you brought it up: No, Bill CLinton was NOT a moderate. He actually got forced into NAFTA and welfare reform by the Congress.

When Bill Clinton had a Democrat congress, he tried to push through a National Health Care system, he diminished the military to its smallest point in modern history, and raised taxes. That ain't too damn moderate.

And Howard Dean is a Leftist. His policies as govorner of Conn showed that he was FOR most of the Leftist causes.

And as for minorities during the Clinton administration, I have already proven that as a whole, minorities are much better off under W's policies. Oh well.

Oddybobo said...

I love Kelly!! She is great. Imara your comment "The Republicans just feel the need to critcize anyone that doesn't agree with them" is such crap. That is what the Democrats do. They are all for freedom of speech as long as that speech is their speech.

But quite frankly its done on both sides of the aisle. I criticize ideas that don't make sense, there are lots of people who don't agree with me, but hey, they are all just wrong! :)

Two Dogs said...

On Imara's list. #1, quit hating babies. #3, quit hating soundboyz. #7, do your homework on this one, I promise you will come to the sensible conclusions, especially if you are under 50. And finally, #10, Imara, have you tried to renew your driver's liscense lately? That is the kind of medical care you would receive from the Fed. And why do rich Canadians come here for a simple doctor's visit? For that matter, why do poor Canadians sell everything they own to pay for an operation in the US for a sick child?

joe-6-pack said...

Haven't had time to read all of the Meanies, but the list of 12 sounds like a good plan. After you can get all of the people afraid to take stand to agree that most of these sound good, you can jump up and say ""Ha!", those are conservative values. You are a conservative and look, you skin hasn't turned green."

It just might work.

Imara said...

>Clinton was perhaps slightly left of absolute center, but was absolutely a moderate Democrat. I don't even see that as debatable.

Amazing... there is actually "sense" spoken at Mean Ol' Meany... not surprised that it's NOT coming from the Host!!

Imara said...

>Shit, if we were under socialism under 8 years of Clinton, then I want that shit back!!!

I'm not a big Hillary fan, but want her to run in the worst way, so that we can have Bill back in the White House!!

Imara said...

>Imara your comment "The Republicans just feel the need to critcize anyone that doesn't agree with them" is such crap. That is what the Democrats do.

Oddybobo, I have to disagree. Have you watched FOX lately?

Imara said...

>On Imara's list. #1, quit hating babies. #3, quit hating soundboyz. #7, do your homework on this one, I promise you will come to the sensible conclusions, especially if you are under 50. And finally, #10, Imara, have you tried to renew your driver's liscense lately? That is the kind of medical care you would receive from the Fed.

Two Dogs... 1.) I DONT hate babies... I am a pediatric nurse! This issue is not as cut and dry as you present it here.
3.) I definately DONT hate Soundboyz, or any other military person.
7.) I will take your suggestion and get back to you...
10.) The cost of health care would drop if EVERYONE had access to affordable care. It doesn't have to be government based for me.

Two Dogs said...

Imara, I think that I pointed out that Erik is most definitely wrong about Bill Clinton being moderate. And I very much debated the issue and I believe that my argument was based in FACT and Erik's was based on WAIT, NOTHING, because he thinks that it's undebatable. Yes, that is what makes sense to me as well. Let me stake out an opinion based on nothing and accept that as FACT.

And my list to Imara was SATIRE.

Two Dogs said...

Good Lord, Imara, you actually want that loathsome human back in the poeple's house? Hasn't he been embarrassing enough for like three lifetimes?

Oddybobo said...

Imara, a peds nurse? Good on ya!

as for my earlier comment, it is exactly the case.

Case in Point: When Byrd was the Senate Minority Leader, 5 times he instituted the nuclear option to block Republican debate. But all of the sudden it is "trying to change 200 years of parlimentary procedure in the Senate?"

Or, here is one: for years democrats and republicans alike have been saying that social security is doomed. Bush comes up with a plan to save it (you don't necessarily have to like the plan but its one where none have been given before, this isn't a debate about the plan) and all democrats can do is criticize and say nothing is wrong with the system! How about offering better plans instead of ignoring the problem?

Both sides want to be right, that is obvious, but when it comes down to it, the democrats criticize when they can't offer anything better. It is time for intelligent people to step up to the plate and start the discourse of ideas instead of the petty bickering that the democrats have been engaging in for years.

Erik Grow said...

Yes, you are right, most everything is debatable on some level Two Dogs. What I should have said is that it seems like I have a LOT of ammunition to prove that Clinton was not as liberal as you say he is.

Also, a lot of the claims about how health care works in Canada and other countries is *greatly* exaggerated. I hear Republicans saying things like in western Europe people don't choose their doctors. I asked my German friends about that, and they were appalled! "Sicher wählen wir unsere Ärzte!" (Of course we choose our doctors!) They are not surprised that the right in our country would tell people that though.

Two Dogs said...

Well, I will have to check with my German friends as well. And yes, Canada's medical system IS that bad. You never hear about good experiences because there aren't any. And I am just assuming that Nationalized Health Care is something that you are against because that would be the moderate stance.......see post above.

soundboyz said...

This shit is crazy!!!!!Well, I will be the first to take the step and call myself a proud LIBERAL!!!!! Yes, I have just been enlightened by Musafir with a link that he has provided. I will not be ashamed to call myself a Liberal!!!From hence forth , call me a LIBERAL!!!!!!

http://www.smirkingchimp.com/print.php?sid=20855

soundboyz said...

Bitches!!!!!!

Two Dogs said...

soundboyz, I repect that decisions. If I thought that I was liberal, I would come out and say it. However, since I am a moderate, I think that I will stick to that label. I'm glad you came out of the closet.

Imara said...

>Yes, I have just been enlightened by Musafir with a link that he has provided. I will not be ashamed to call myself a Liberal!!!From hence forth , call me a LIBERAL!!!!!!

Soundboyz, I too, am now a PROUD L-I-B-E-R-A-L!! I read that link and I felt good and proud of the Liberal legacy.

Two Dogs said...

And having read what was on the smirkingchimp website, you actually make a decision regarding how you look at yourself? Okay, even though 80% of what was on there was satire or incorrect, I shall label myself a moderate. Actually, I place as much weight on this person's obviously distorted opinion of truth as I do ted rall.

soundboyz said...

Two Dogs , why don't you go read some more Michelle Squalkin or Ann Cunture!!!!Maybe they have something you find actual and factual!!!!

Oddybobo said...

Actually, Michelle backs up her pieces with real facts, again, liberals criticizing those they don't agree with . . . (soundboyz, I said that with a smile)

KR said...

Two Dogs, I went to all that effort to craft a response, and you have nothing to say? Must be because you agree with me. You closet right-wing teddy bear.

Two Dogs said...

Oh, I AM a big-ole teddy bear. Everyone thinks so. however, again I must say that I am a moderate.

And every woman that I have had sex with, does lose all blood flow to their brain obviously, otherwise I wouldn't have had stitches in my back, like seventeen times.

Oh, about the breasts, that's easy to say, got any pictures?

Imara said...

>Oh, about the breasts, that's easy to say, got any pictures?

Now I see how you got the name "Two Dogs". LOL!!

Two Dogs said...

Actually, it is from the ole Indian tale about how a brave gets his name. BTW, it's short for two dogs f*cking.

soundboyz said...

Two Dogs is a Freak!!!!!

soundboyz said...

I love you too, Oddybobo:):):).

soundboyz said...

Kelly is an admitted freak!!!!!!

Andrew said...

finally someone I can agree with!

Oddybobo said...

Hey, I got three smiles from soundboyz!

Hello Andrew! Nice to make your acquaintance. We squabble here at Two Dogs, but it's all good.

Erik Grow said...

You would be correct actually. I'm not for nationalized health care. However, I can tell you for sure that what we should make private health care more accessible. I have yet to do a lot of research on the matter personally, but I know for sure that there isn't any reason that individuals shouldn't be able to get together their buying power to get insurance. It's way cheaper than funding more social programs on the back end after government beaurocracy gets a cut of your tax dollars. Just make it easier to get access to normal insurance and everyone would be happy and pay less. No need for government to get involved beyond opening the door. The rest takes care of itself.

Steve B said...

You have truly excreted some great and noble truths here, suh.

I like yer style.

I may just have to add you to the much sought after, rarely achieved PP Blogroll.

No, no. No need to thank me. Really.

Seriously though, good stuff man.

Two Dogs said...

Thanks Partisan Pundit, it always helps to have good comments. And thanks for the link.

Emily said...

Agree with pretty much all of it, but I majorly agree with you on numbers 8 and 11. Awesome. Yay for moderates.

Beth said...

Moderately speaking, fuckin'-A!
Blog.Rolled!

Beth said...

Moderately speaking, fuckin'-A!
Blog.Rolled!

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