Saturday, June 25, 2005

Man, This Came at the Right Time

Yesterday presented somewhat of an upheaval for me. It seems that our office was forced into a restructuring of our priorities and our full-time staff was purged to allow for less overhead costs. I was asked to accept a contracting type position that allows me some more freedom in my endeavors. I guess I welcome the change, but what the future holds is something of an indefinite at this particular point.

That said, I checked my spammer mail account and guess what? Free money! If you live your life right and shy away from idiotic thoughts and schemes, money just jumps in your lap. Yes, there is a G_d and He knows the right time for everything.

The Letter:(All stupidity and misspellings are his)

CAMARA SESSI
DEH HARZZER 54-56
1088DH AMSTERDAM-NETHERLANDS

ATTN: SIR/MADAM,

PERMIT ME TO INFORM YOU OF MY DESIRE OF GOING INTO BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. I GOT YOUR AND CONTACT FROM THE NETHERLANDS CHAMBER OF COMMERCE AND INDUSTRY. I PRAYED OVER IT AND SELECTED YOUR AMONG OTHER S DUE TO IT'S ESTEEMING NATURE AND THE RECOMMENDATIONS GIVEN TO ME AS A REPUTABLE AND TRUST WORTHY PERSON I CAN CONFIDE ON AND BY THEIR RECOMMENDATIONS I MUST NOT HESITATE TO CONFIDE IN YOU FOR THIS SIMPLE AND SINCERE REQUEST.

I AM CAMARA SESSI,A 22YEARS OLD BOY, THE ONLY SON OF LATE CHIEF AND MRS CHRISTOPHER SESSI. MY FATHER WAS A VERY WEALTHY COCOA MERCHANT BASED IN ABIDJAN, THE ECONOMIC CAPITAL OF IVORY COAST BEFORE HE WAS POISONED TO DEATH BY HIS BUSINESS ASSOCIATES ON ONE OF THEIR EVENING OUTING TO DISCUSSON A BUSINESS DEAL.

WHEN MY MOTHER DIED ON THE 21ST OCTOBER 1990, MY FATHER TOOK ME SO SPECIAL BECAUSE I AM MOTHERLESS. BEFORE THE DEATH OF MY FATHER ON 24TH APRIL 2002, IN A PRIVATE HOSPITAL IN ABIDJAN, HE SECRETLY CALLED ME ON HIS BED SIDE AND TOLD ME THAT HE HAS A SUM OF US$7M (SEVEN MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS) LEFT IN A BANK HERE IN AMSTERDAM NETHERLANDS.

THAT HE USED MY AS HIS ONLY SON FOR THE NEXT OF KIN IN DEPOSIT OF THE FUND. HE ALSO EXPLAINED TO ME THAT IT WAS BECAUSE OF THIS WEALTH THAT HE WAS POISONED BY HIS
BUSINESS ASSOCIATES, THAT I SHOULD SEEK FOR A FOREIGN PARTNER IN A COUNTRY OF MY CHOICE WHERE I WILL TRANSFER THIS MONEY AND USE IT FOR INVESTMENT PURPOSE.

FOR THIS SIMPLE REASON, I ARRANGED WITH A TRAVEL AGENT, WHO HELPED ME TO TRAVEL TO AMSTERDAM-NETHERLANDS WHERE THE FUND IS DEPOSITED. I AM RIGHT NOW IN AMSTERDAM AS A REFUGEE.

I AM HONOURABLY SEEKING YOUR ASSISTANCE IN THE FOLLOWING WAYS.
1) TO HELP ME RETRIEVE THIS FUND AND HELP PROVIDE A BANK ACCOUNT WHERE THIS MONEY WOULD BE TRANSFERED INTO.
2) TO SERVE AS THE GUARDIAN OF THIS FUND AND ME
3) TO MAKE ARRANGEMENT FOR ME TO COME OVER TO YOUR COUNTRY TO FURTHER MY EDUCATION AND TO SECURE A RESIDENTIAL PERMIT FOR ME IN YOUR COUNTRY.

MOREOVER, SIR, I AM WILLING TO OFFER YOU 15% OF THE TOTAL SUM AS COMPENSATION FOR YOUR EFFORT/INPUT AFTER THE SUCCESSFUL TRANSFER OF THIS FUND TO YOUR NOMINATED ACCOUNT OVERSEA. FURTHERMORE, YOU CAN INDICATE YOUR OPTION TOWARDS ASSISTING ME AS I BELIEVE THAT THIS TRANSACTION WOULD BE CONCLUDED WITHIN SEVEN (7) DAYS,
YOU SIGNIFY INTEREST TO ASSIST ME.

ANTICIPATING HEARING FROM YOU SOON.

THANKS AND GOD BLESS.

EMAIL ME DIRECTLY ON camarasessipvt@netscape.net

BEST REGARD
CAMARA SESSI

Woooooooo Hooooooooo!

The Response:

What up, Camara?

I usually don't respond to people that are too stupid to depress the "caps lock" key, but you have e-mailed me at a time when I am feeling a little less judgmental than usual. Lucky you.

Sir/Madam? What the Hell did you call me? Did you know that them there are fighting words around my parts? And when was the last time you saw a woman wear black chaps with blue trim? Women wear pink trimmed chaps, moron.

Camara, how in the Hell did you arrive at the conclusion that 22 years old is a "boy"? In most parts of the world that is a man that is rapidly approaching middle-age. The amazing part of your statement proudly proclaiming "boyhood" is that you actually appear to believe it. You say your father took you "so special" because you were motherless? I think he took you "so special" because he was without a regular piece of trim. And maybe the reason you think of yourself as a boy is because of your father's need for you to continually shave your entire body.

You also say about dear ol' Dad "THAT HE USED MY AS HIS ONLY SON FOR THE NEXT OF KIN". Just what in Hell did he use as his only son? Did you forget an "S" in that declarative sentence? This just makes no sense whatsoever. I realize that you obviously are not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but damn "boy" try to proofread your damn e-mails before pressing the send button.

If you are in Amsterdam, why don't you look up my friend, Mr. Franklin Brown, and see if he can help you set up a man-boy love association there? He is already working for me as the curator of my hashish and pet store, called "Dope and Dogs". We are making a killing. Just don't let him know that you are 22, he prefers his boymeat a little younger than that.

Oh, what makes you think that I need an uneducated "boy" hanging around my place? Is there anything about my site that leads you to believe that I have any feminine tendencies? I.WILL.KICK.YOUR.ASS.

Anyway, send me the damn money. E-mail me and let me know how you want to set this up. Please include this is the subject line, "My, what a lovely tea party." and I'll get right back to you.

Hey, the Ivory Coast sucks and you do too; your Daddy said you were the best!

Thanks 'tard,
Two Dogs

I'll keep y'all posted as developments occur.
.

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