The Country of New California

My friend, Erin, sent me this little Hate-America e-mail sent by one of the "Are we there, yet?" crowd. I think that I shall respond. Oh, and this is for Lew as well. For Lew: MY COMMENTS WILL BE IN ITALICS AND I WILL TYPE SLOWLY.

The Letter:

Dear Red States,

We've decided we're leaving. (Well, damn, it's about time.) We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. (Don't let the screen door hit you in the ass.)

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, (We whole-heartedly agree, we love it, y'all hate it.) and especially to the people of the new country of New California. (Hey, you have no argument from us. And we expect you to put the land mass together and get it outta our yard.)

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. (Uh, not to nitpick, but slavery has been against the damn law since 1862. But y'all will have it in New California purdy damn quick.) We get stem cell research (Try some Brain-Cell research first, Splodeydope.) and the best beaches. (Forgot about Florida and her Keys, North Carolina, and Alabama?) We get Elliot Spitzer. (Better clone him, cause y'all get all the crime too.) You get Ken Lay. (You have to take Jimmy Carter.)

We get the Statue of Liberty. (From France, y'all need it.) You get Dollywood. (And Nashville and Athens) We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. (And the vast majority of electricity. Those computers work on tofu remember. Uh, sorry, we get the soybeans too, so NO TOFU FOR YOU!) We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. (Yea, that William Faulkner just sucks, but let's play football!)

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. (And where is ALL the damn gold and where are all the minting facilities?) You get Alabama. (and Auburn, FSU, and Miami, LET'S PLAY FOOTBALL!) We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, (Moron, y'all will cripple business within weeks.) you get to make the red states pay their fair share. (All our folks work and the companies will all move to our country. Just try to keep Bill Gates.)

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's (the whistling you hear is the vacuum in your head), we get a bunch of happy families. (Meet my two daddies!) You get a bunch of single moms. (And we will take care of them, too. You get all the diseased needle-junkies.)

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice (As long as it is killing the unborn) and anti-war (Surrender Monkey), and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. (Ask them where they want to live, we will force no one to live in oppression and slavery.) If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. (How about the existing military forces? 75% of them are from our States. Good thing y'all are anti-war 'cause you ain't got no Army) They have kids (Do you mean adults that volunteer to serve their country?) they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, (How about saving innocent people from terrorists that want to kill them?) and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. (We care deeply about our soldiers and Marines. We honor our military unlike some that are protected by the men and women they loath.) We do wish you success in Iraq, (That is a damn lie) and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire. (You said "quagmire"! What a dumbass. Your IQ is a quagmire. Again, you have very few military guys and gals. And only 25% of the bases, so shut up already)

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water (Not true, Alaska alone has more.), more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (We kinda like beer, Dolt.) (you can serve French wines at state dinners [If your calculations are correct, why don't we serve the 5% of fine wine that comes from our place?]) 90 percent of all cheese (French much?), 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias (Them's are pretty, but you can't use them for construction, so what do you build with?) and condors (Tastes like chicken!!), all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. (Well, let's see how to address this. We have NASA, all nuclear weapons and most meat. Also, we have a more temperate climate that is more conducive to growing and pretty much all the farmers. When y'all tax your big agriculture outta business, y'all will starve, damn. Oh, and run your cars off of solar power. Yep, we have 98% of natural gas and oil.)

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs [How is their health care our responsibilty, aren't they grown? And our fat chicks are prettier than your skinny ones.]), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes (Y'all have John Kerry), nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes (Y'all have Paris Hilton), 90 percent of the hurricanes (Y'all have Helen Thomas and Hillary Clinton), 99 percent of all Southern Baptists (Y'all have the Muslims), virtually 100 percent of all televangelists (Y'all have the lawyers), Rush Limbaugh (Al Franken), Bob Jones University (Berkley), Clemson and the University of Georgia (Go Dawgs!).

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you. (We might take Yosemite back, so don't thank us yet. But don't cry, we won't hurt you.)

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, (Y'all believe in Socialism, which is worse??) 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty (No, we still believe it's sacred, that's why we put to death someone that doesn't believe it is.) or gun laws (I have no idea what that means. Guns and "life is sacred"?), 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, (Uh, is that why they call it the "Theory of Evolution"?) 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 (No, but 100% of you dumbasses think that we do.) and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties. (No, it's closer to 100% of us crazy bastards. You better not forget that we are crazy or we will WHIP. YOUR. ASS.)

By the way, we're taking (smoking) the good pot, too. (We know that. That's the only way that you can imagine that you can survive without us, the producers.) You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico. (Nah, y'all can have that, too. Hell, y'all are going to be conquered by Mexico anyway and then those guys will come in and sheet rock your whole country.)

Sincerely,
Unknown Author of New California

Now, any intelligent people that are left in the blue states need to get your asses to the Buckle of the Bible Belt. You are safe with us. And any Leftists that care to live better, you do the same.