Spammalammadingdong

Someone has obviously signed me up for the John Kerry e-mail list. I am sure that John appreciates this, but I bet he didn't expect to get responses. Well, he got this one.

The Letter:
Dear Two,

This weekend the GOP is kicking off its 2006 campaign cycle at the party's annual summer meeting in Pittsburgh, with Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum playing host. What does it say about the Republican leadership that they're putting a right-wing extremist at the center of their effort to keep control of the Senate? It says that their goal isn't just to hold on to power, but to drag America away from mainstream values and the issues that matter to ordinary Americans.

I'm not up for re-election in 2006, but I - like every Democrat - must do everything in my power to fight to restore responsible leadership in the House and Senate that will act on behalf of the interests of average Americans whose voices are being drowned out in Washington today.

You bet we wanted to win last November, but it turns out that one of the things we did accomplish in 2004 was this: we built an incredibly powerful organizational force online and offline that can come together again in 2006 to win back the House and Senate.

Like it or not, that fight starts now.

With five million supporters and activists, we've formed an organization called Keeping America's Promise. Our work is to mobilize volunteers, activists, donors - and of course voters - in support of tight and winnable races.

Without you, the Senate and House will stay in the hands of outside-the-mainstream Republicans. Please support our preparations for victory in 2006 by making a donation to Keeping America's Promise today:

Make a Contribution

Consider what's at stake in just Democrat Bob Casey's race against Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum. Santorum is totally out of touch with the reality facing American families and totally out of touch with mainstream American values. And yet he has become the mainstream within the Republican Party:

Santorum believes millions of people are uninsured because, "some people don't want [insurance] - like the Amish." [Harrisburg Patriot, 6/10/97]
Santorum believes child care is a "Washington" issue that ordinary Americans don't care about. [Congressional Quarterly, 3/9/05]
He said that the environmental movement's days are numbered and that environmentalism is against nature. [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 4/24/95]
He believes in privatizing Social Security. [Congressional Record, S3231, 4/5/05]
Santorum thinks it's wrong to help single mothers earn a college degree. In his book, It Takes a Family, Santorum said that "The notion that college education is a cost-effective way to help poor, low-skill, unmarried mothers with high school diplomas or GEDs move up the economic ladder is just wrong." [It Takes a Family, pg. 138]

By the time the GOP wraps up its summer summit on Saturday afternoon, we need to have raised $500,000 to support our work to defeat extremists like Rick Santorum.

Make a Contribution

The 2006 Congressional election cycle will be a fight between two competing visions of America's future:

Democrats see an America where everyone has an opportunity to work hard and get ahead. Republicans see an America where the special interests get their way and families get the short end of the stick. Democrats see an America that is energy independent and a good steward of the environment. Republicans see an America that continues to send its hard earned paychecks to the Saudis and risks sending our sons and daughters to the battlefields of the Middle East over oil that's beyond our control, in the hands of unstable and undemocratic regimes.

Winning back the majority in the US Congress is an essential step toward realizing an American future that you and I want for our families and for our children.

And because of the power we built together in this amazing online and offline community, your continuing support of Keeping America's Promise is now a critical ingredient to winning the fight.

But we can only compete and win if you stand with us. Please make a donation today:

Make a Contribution

Thank you,

John Kerry

The Response:

My Dear Mr. Kerry,
Please understand that I offer my most humble condolences on your absolute loss of sanity. While I certainly appreciate your attempt to try to sway me to the side of the morons, I must regretfully decline. You see, my head is not completely up my ass like the dumbasses that vote for your LOSER party. And just out of curiosity, does it look odd that you addressed this spammer mail to someone named "Two"?

Let's look at the drivel contained in your spam-mail that was sent to me completely unsolicited. I have never witnessed such utter whoring for money in all my born days. Your letter looks like an Oral Roberts plea for funds. Maybe you are actually his long lost brother, "Anal".

Here we go. You start this crap not by spelling out your intentions for our country but by once again attacking Republicans. Santorum is a "right-wing extremist"? How does it look when the Democrat Party has an Far-Left, Purple Heart stealing, Lurch-resembling, traitorous, lying, gold-digging, appeasement monkey as its Presidential candidate? Nobody is buying your crap. Oh, and you throw and catch like a girl. No offense to all those girls that can actually throw and catch. You know what I mean.

Funny thing that you should point out all these things that Rick believes and never point out what you believe. Let me help.

You believe that instead of people taking care of themselves, everyone should be FORCED into some nationalized healthcare program run with more of my own DAMN money. You believe that the government should control our kids in the ridiculous Head-Start programs to further indoctrinate them in the ways of the Left. You believe that the Far-Left terrorist organizations like PETA and ELF should provide the foundations for crippling businesses with oppressive environmental programs that do nothing to protect our planet. You believe that the "little people" should never be able to build real wealth by managing the 13% of our income that you confiscate to purchase more votes from ill-informed seniors that you have scared to death. There is no LOCKBOX, dumbass. And finally you believe that the single mother should be forced to leave her kids in government subsidized daycare getting brain-washed while she goes to school to learn how to clean one of your many mansions.

Did it ever occur to you that maybe someone would be tricked into voting for your far left ideas if you would simply admit that you are a Splodeydope? Dammit boy, most people want to hear what you are FOR, not what you are AGAINST. Please Johnny, I'm begging you, just come out and say that your's is the party of Moonbats. "Birds of a feather" and all.

You are not up for re-election because you did not have the guts to resign your Senate seat like any self-respecting person would do when they were running for President. Uh, think Bob Dole. He knew his was a lost cause but still had the fortitude to do the LEGAL thing. Not good for you, John-boy. Maybe you can actually get charged with a crime for that.

I am sure that you did want to win last November, but I am also sure that you knew you wouldn't. Why else would you continue to hold your Senate seat much to the dismay of everyone concerned about this country? Furthermore, I hate to be the one to tell you, but the chances of the Democrats winning back the Congress at any point in the near future are slim to none. Maybe you didn't notice, but y'all elected that dumbass Howard Dean as Chairman of your party and since that time donations have slowed to a trickle. Stupid move, you morons.

Wow! Y'all have an organization of five million people? Man that sounds just like the membership of Moveon.stupid. Coincidence? Prolly not. Did it ever occur to you that you might want to look into trying to trick people that can actually vote? An organization consisting of five million felons and Muslim terrorists will probably not win too many elections, but hey, keep trying. And if you are counting the heads that you are spamming, maybe you need to do one of those world famous Democrat recounts that y'all cry about all the time. It seems that I am among those fortunate five million.

I am so glad that you have recognized that Republicans are outside of the mainstream. That is one of the reasons that they win elections. It's 'cause they are so few and far between. Does this makes sense to you? It doesn't make sense to all of us people that vote Republican and are outside of the mainstream. WTF?

Man, your senseless crap just really ticks me off. There can't be anyone that would actually think that you have the slightest clue what you are talking about. Do you remember that you are the dumbass that wants to rollback the tax cuts? Can you come to the conclusion that is the reason that WORKING people don't vote for your stupid party?

Do you really think that anyone that can add thinks that the current Social Security program is a good idea? Man, you have got to be kidding. I promise if you will just let me out of the program, you can keep the dollars I have paid up to this point. Just let me out.

The only thing missing from this e-mail is the mind-controlling subliminal sounds that you would have to play to get thinking people to believe one thing that you have said here. Geez, you ARE dumber that Chimpy McHitlerburton. Your comparisons of the two parties are further from the truth than Harry Potter books.

Johnny, please stop spamming me and I promise not to come to one of your twelve multi-million dollar houses, you "Man of the Working People", and KICK. YOUR. ASS. Oh, and tell Teeeereeeeeeza to put a bag over her scary face, she's making all of us sick and making the kids have nightmares.

I offer you the right to use this and any of the subsequent correspondence that you WILL receive from me if you keep up this spamming crap. Just put this e-mail up on your website to show everyone exactly how far outta the damn mainstream that I am.

Oh, and thanks for thanking me for helping Paul Hackett lose in Ohio in your other spam-mail. Yeah, y'all can't even get a veteran elected anymore. Too bad that Republicans are so far out of the mainstream.

Massachusetts sucks and you do too.

With love and kisses,
Two Dogs