Saturday, December 31, 2005

New Year's Resolutions - The Two Dogs Way!

Ah yes, it's time for my New Year's promises to be made. Saddle up, Myrtle, this should be fun.

1. I resolve to spend less money on the cold ones. I have spent approximately $635,000.00 this year on alcoholic beverages. I am going to cut that in HALF!

2. I resolve to smoke no more than three packs of cigarettes a day. I think that I heard they can make you sterile or something like that. My next future ex-wife might want to have children.

3. I resolve to get at least seven minutes of sleep a night. Doctors say that the body requires sleep to repair the daily damages that one inflicts.

4. I resolve to eat less than 65,000 calories a day. I hear that Americans are becoming lard-asses and I want to stand out from the crowd.

5. I resolve to walk from my car into the office daily. Exercise is good for you or not. I can't remember.

6. I resolve to quit hiding from the student loan people. I will answer every one of their calls, but act like they have the wrong number. I received my degree already, I don't need them anymore.

7. I resolve to not join the Scientology cult. It turned Tom Cruise into a complete asshole and I refuse to be like Tom.

8. I resolve to cut back on my profanity. There will be no more than six curse words in each of my sentences. This will be damn near impossible, by the way.

9. I resolve to become more generous with compliments to everyone. I think that sincerity part might be a little difficult though.

And last, but not least....

10. I resolve to never post naked pictures of men on this blog. This will probably be the only resolution that I am able to keep.

What are yours?

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