Saturday, January 26, 2008

Two Dogs Reads the Mail

Occasionally I receive an e-mail that absolutely demands a public response. Man, I hope Dude reads this.

From "Topher" (What the Hell kinda name is Topher? Is this guy actually named Christopher and didn't want to be Chris? A new moron standard is set folks. He might as well be named "Espn.")

I read your post regarding the consumption of pork and wanted to guide you to a better lifestyle. Eating any type of meat is damaging to the heart and respiratory system. To openly advocate the slaughter of animals for human consumption is barbaric and morally equivalent to murder.

Please kindly remove your post advocating the slaughter of animals.

Thank you,
Topher ******


I left out his last name and e-mail address so the boys in the white coats wouldn't know how to find this dude. And trust me, I use the term "dude" very lightly. Kinda like the way Mr. Topher Fancy-Pants obviously travels in his loafers.

You mean to tell me that you would actually take the time to send an e-mail to someone that wrote a blog post on his favorite cuts of pork? Dude, you got serious mental malfunctions. Not only that, you have no damn idea who I am or whether or not I would hunt you down and FORCE you to eat pork. Yes, Topher, I could most definitely do that, see you are a vegan or vegetarian, whatever. Let's take your inventory real quick like. Mmmmmkay?

First of all, Topher, you have no idea what my health is like. Not only that, you brought up the topic of murdering animals right after expressing concern about my health. Dude, you are full of shit. You care as much about my health as you do finding the next lady that you will court. Be honest, Topher, you really do like the meat, but it must be attached to a man right below his belly-button, huh?

Topher, I am going to take extra special care the next time I slaughter an animal so I can experience every single bit of the kill. It is going to be an intimate event for me, just think about that, and all for you, Pal. And, NO, I will not remove the damn post about eating pork. I bet Bryan Food's website sends you into a tizzy, doesn't it, Topher?

Oh, please take care and crank up that old gray matter before e-mailing or commenting to bloggers. Someone might not take it as well as I did.

Topher, I would never try to tell you how to live YOUR life, but I will say that I wholeheartedly approve of your homosexuality if you are going to be a vegetarian. You have to get your protein somehow, why not sperm?

Wait, can "Topher" be a girls name? It's okay for girls to be vegetarians. If you are a girl, nevermind, I'll take that post down from three years ago. But, only if you are a girl.

HUGE NEWS: Well maybe not for you. Remember that stupid article in USA Today by Yolanda Young that I dissected like, twenty times? And to add to that, I put up the Google searches showing how much traffic I get from that?

Get this. Someone actually came to this site from a Yahoo search for that article. They took the time to read every single word that I wrote (20 minutes worth) and then outclicked to Tim Wise's site for further study.

Hooray! There is actually someone that read and wanted to know more about something that has been sent around the interwebs since 1994 and is revered as Earth shattering stuff! Mr. Person, I will buy nothing but products from your company from this day forth. I do not care if you agree with my interpretation or not, I frigging appreciate immensely someone taking the time to read all the posts that I have written about that. Thanks!

Please take the time to comment, even if I don't write you a personal note on a post.

7 comments:

MUD said...

The family and I went to Applebee's this week and I had their Baby-back ribs plate. Man I love ribs, dry rubbed, wet mopped or however. I personally helped kill, butcher and dress a hog when I was about 13. It was a hell of a lot of work and I really appreciate farmers and their efforts helping put food on the table. It wasn't gross or traumatic but a part of life. I didn't get to butcher a young steer but I was there when we loaded him up to go to the slaughter house and then eat him when they brought the packaged meat home. Any one that doesn't get enough protein will probably hate me too. MUD

Two Dogs said...

I have never had the baby back ribs at Applebees, but I have a bunch of other places. Bring 'em on. I have decided to eat nothing but meat from this day forward. No vegetables at all, I am going to save the plants.

Tracy said...

Why make fun of someone's name?

Topher is absolutely correct. A whole-foods vegan diet is the healthiest you can have. And it's also the most compassionate.

Two Dogs said...

Yeah, being vegetarian or vegan is the healthiest for a giraffe, Tracy. However, not for humans.

Topher is absolutely wrong as far as diet is concerned. It seems that the necessary diet for humans has been established by many, many physicians and nutritionists in the past based on the physical needs of humans. Because you maintain a certain philosophy, which I have no problem with I might add, that opinion does not change biology. Remember to take the supplements required to maintain good health because you have removedd a huge part of your diet when you remove meat.

Vegetarians/vegans have no basis for their beliefs based on science and anatomy, but the philosophy is fine with me. I certainly appreciate your caring for animals, I do as well, as for being a vegan, there can be no other reason. Topher has every right to his opinion on that, but his opinion stops where mine starts.

To e-mail me with a self-righteous attitude concerning a post that I wrote three years ago is one thing, rude. I returned the favor.

Sorry, you are wrong about the health issue, but I do appreciate the comments, immensely. Dialogue is always the best avenue to take, rather than accusations. If you have any other questions concerning your health, please feel free to ask.

The Mayor said...

Brilliant. You got me chuckling over this post.

The Mayor said...

Brilliant. You got me chuckling over this post.

Tracy said...

Why make fun of someone's name?

Topher is absolutely correct. A whole-foods vegan diet is the healthiest you can have. And it's also the most compassionate.

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