Friday, April 25, 2008

I Done Been Thinking - A List

With the comments from uber-diversified, Black, married-to-an-Asian, father, heterosexual (doesn't count), male (dang) Roderick in the last couple of days, I started thinking about things. Since he is calling for total assimilation of all races into the white or NORMAL family, I decided to come up with a list of stuff that you have to sacrifice in order to join the majority. I hope this helps you in your endeavor to become NORMAL (not necessarily white), if you do not qualify as one of us "major" people.

1. Absolutely no friggin' dreads. (Forget about that guy with Soul Asylum, he just didn't wash his damn hair for a couple of years. Nasty little bitch, he was.)

2. Pull your damn pants up, whites included. If I wanted to look at a bunch of worn out boxers, I would watch Rocky XI.

3. No more facial piercings. If you desire to become at one with the aboriginal folks, move to Wollongong, you dumbass. I hope that kids understand how damn stupid that looks to have something sticking out of your jawbone or worse still, those Frisbees in your damn ears. (History note: Slave masters pierced their slaves in certain ways, not unlike brands, because it made telling their property from other's property easier. Just know, you are branding yourself a slave with every metal stud in your face.)

4. No spinners. I understand that this fad is quickly going by the wayside, but still. "I want my car to look like it is broken down on the side of the road, EVEN when I am driving!" Flat-out stupid. Oh, no more Panic stickers either. I like Panic, but nothing says "Check my car for weed!" quite like a Panic sticker.

5. Bathe. I do not care if you DO grab chickens for a living, there is no reason to look the part when you are off the clock. Be the best chicken grabber that you can, but at the end of the day, wash your McNasty ass!

6. Liberal Arts degrees are virtually useless. If you want to be a journalist, study engineering or computers and then you will have some basis for understanding what you are writing. (Engineers should learn how to write, too, but trust me, it doesn't take forty-two hours of creative writing courses for that.)

7. Tone down the gangsta crap. It's true, I am the biggest balla' in the 'hood, but still I do not possess the need to say "f-ing this, f-that," all the time. And straighten that damn hat, you look foolish.

8. I mean, NOTHING good happens at two in the morning. I know better than anyone, trust me. Get your skinny ass off the damn streets. I do understand that there are those of us who serve coffee at the IHOP, but if everyone else was not out clubbin' there would be no need for twenty-four hour egg and ham places. Supply and demand, baby.

9. If you fly your Mexican flag, you better the Hell be in Mexico or at least in Las Cazuela, the Mexican restaurant. If you consider yourself Mexican, do that in the comfort that is Guadalajara. You know that it IS considered the city of the future for your homeland.

10. Put down the damn soccer ball, that is just gay. Football, baseball, or basketball are your choices. Hockey, too, if you live in Tampa or Dallas. Some folks say that they play hockey further north, but as far as I can tell, that is just a rumor.

11. Hate Muslims. They hate us.

12. Dream big and strive to achieve that. There is NOW and there will always BE an attainable American Dream.

Add yours to the comments.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey,

I think I have been mischaracterized. I am calling for the assimilation of all groups into the British (English/Irish/Scottish/Welsh) culture of this country. Because that is the founding culture of this country, this country is not an Italian, German, Spanish, Polish, etc culture but one based on British society and cultural development. Lets be precise when we speak so there is no confusion...white is a bland term covering an entire group of people who are very different based on culture. Culture is the most important distinction not the color of skin.

Look at all the countries based from the British culture (Australia, Canada, New Zealand, USA) and compare them with the ones based on Italian (Argentina) and Spanish (Latin America) culture. The cultures are "white" but culturally very very different, which cultural results in a richer society (monetarily and socially tolerant). Think about it, is the rule of law as strong in a place like Italy compared to England?? By that I mean is the rule of law respected enough by the citizenry for them to obey even though they do not agree. There is a reason England is still not in the EU and why we are not now and never will go metric (feet, pounds, inches, miles, etc...now, tomorrow, and forever).

So in closing, Mean ol Meany, please refer to our founding British cultural roots and not our "white" cultural roots...they are not the same. One is a subset of the other. I would like to give the British the credit, not the "white" race. The British cultural majority, not the white cultural majority....remember precision is very necessary for an argument of this type. (it helps prevent hurt feelings (dividing us based on skin color) because it treats other "whites" (Italians, Germans, French) like all the other "minorities" since we are talking about assimilating into the British cultural norm and not the "white" cultural norm)


Regarding the rest of your list:
1. Dreads are okay if they are worn neatly, if it is wild and uncontrolled then I agree...a neat appearance is the most important impression to give others and to maintain respect for yourself.
2. I agree 100%, that way of dress comes from prison culture and should not be emulated.
3,4,5. I agree 100%.
6. Not completely useless,but those who get them must be told that inorder to get a real job they have to get a real/second degree like an MBA, JD, MD, Engineering, Architecture, Biology, Chemistry, Mathematics, and Physics.
7. I disagree, it must not be toned down...it must be destroyed!! How you "tone down" the fantasies about the destruction of others like yourself? You can't it must be silenced..period. Gangsta rap is not about anybody's culture, a culture with that kind of underpinnings would never survive long enough to be a culture.
8. I don't agree here, when you young you want to get out of the house and stay out late. But I do agree if you talking about during the normal work/school week days.
9. Don't mind the Mexican flag being flown unless the American flag is on top in the flag pole arrangement. Just respect the country your in that would allow such a display without putting you in jail.
10. I don't agree...remember Mean ol Meany...soccer or football is a BRITISH GAME, hahahaha...you can't escape the superiority of British Culture...so when someone says soccer is apart of "their" culture just smile because without Britannia there wouldn't have been any soccer, or rugby, golf, cricket, american footbal, hockey, australian rules football, etc...not to mention rule of law and the right to petition your rulers.
11. Don't agree, once again Mean ol Meany...be precise. Islam is a religion that spans cultures. Not all cultures are the same (see above arguments). For example Malaysia is a "Muslim" majority population but they also have a "red light district" that satisfies a different hunger of the soul(I read about it, I have not ever been there...what kind of guy do you think I am!). Now can you name any Arab muslim country that has a "red light district?" See culture is more powerful than a religion, not all muslims are the same because they are from different____, you guessed it...CULTURES. An Indian muslim is not the same as an Arab muslim, and so on....culture is the most powerful denominator/variable of all peoples, it is the foundation of who we are as people.
12. Agree 100%.

Roderick

Two Dogs said...

If you notice, Roderick, these were not just about being white, they were about being NORMAL. Also, I pointed out the folks from our southern neighboring country as much as other places.

Oh, and I should have clarified that the 2 am thing was for the overwhelming majority of places, but if you could please point me to one situation where it is okay to be out that late, I will contemplate and possibly agree....but, it would be better for you to start and end your partying a little earlier. Seriously, get off the damn streets at that hour

No, you are wrong on soccer (emphatically) and the Muslim religion, though.

Anonymous said...

Yes Paul your correct, it is about being normal and normal comes in many other cultures as well. Like Chinese and Japanese culture, so you can also say act more like the Chinese and Japanese.

Your starting to show your age...here is a scenario, your at the "Dock" the place in Jackson I went to a few years back...and you meet a girl and hit it off and you don't want to stop talking to her but the Dock is closing, where do you go? The all night waffle house is a good venue, you can eat and talk all you want. The only places that should be open that late are food places for the club trash, like I used to be. Everything else should be closed, even the food places except for Friday and Saturday nights (for the club trash).

You know the one thing I like about the current practice of Islam...there women don't look like whores. From a reactionary point of view (if you couldn't tell), I like that philosophy. That sewer pipe coming out of Hollywood really really bothers the hell out of me....can you they make a good movie without sex (go back to the old days when the screen went dark and it was morning, let people use there imaginations) and blue language. I think becoming a reactionary is part of the process of having a girl. I view the world very differently now, I am becoming more of a fundamentalist...which is kind of funny since I am not really religious. Sometimes I wonder would having "religious" or "virtue" police be that bad.

Roderick

Two Dogs said...

There is no more Dock, they tore it down. And oddly enough, I only went in there about six times in my entire life, just to see a band.

Picking women up at bars should conflict with you newly found fundamentalism, too.

You mean Muslim women can't have that hot tramp stamp that shows the way that they want to get sexed up? Dang, how do yoou know if a Muslim woman wants it from the back then?

Anonymous said...

I used to be club trash, I can empathize but it doesn't mean I want to imitate....especially now with my increasingly throw back/fundamentalist/neovictorian beliefs.

Roderick

Al said...

Back in the Clinton days, they used to talk about how wonderful it was that he could "compartmentalize." I seem to have caught that disease. I tend to distinguish dramatically between my daughters and the hot chicks I see on the street.

I'd say "at the beach," but there are snowflakes falling outside my freakin' window. I'll never see a bikini again.

Two Dogs said...

Dang, I know what you mean, Al. But, we are men and wear it proudly.

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