Sunday, June 08, 2008

Storm Chasing for Fackin' Morons

I have been in Oklahoma visiting the ol' Ball and Chain for a little while, sorry for not posting so much, but I have a good reason. Lemme tell ya'.

Our good friend, Skunkfeathers enjoys chasing storms. I do not share his enthusiasm, but have been drawn into the tornado chasing game, although it appears that they chase me, instead of vice versa. I ain't liking that at all. Which brings us to a new feature here on the greatest blog in the world. We even have a logo!

On Thursday evening, Bean and I were headed to see a movie, IRONMAN!, and the rain got so heavy we turned around and went back to her apartment. When we got to her covered parking place, I stepped out of the car and lighted a cigarette with the grand scheme of waiting for the rain to ease up somewhat. *Click the images to see what happened when she decided to go on in the apartment.* (Do understand that these images are NOT photographs of the actual occurance, I know they look real. Five minute story boards, baby!)
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I stepped out and the wind was about fifty miles an hour. It was hard to stand up, but Bean is pretty strong and she got out and cussed me for firing up the cig. She nags the ever-loving crap out of me for smoking. (I already stopped drinking, what's next? Am I going to have to stop masturbating, too, Hitler?) I was convinced the rain would abate. She did not share my opinion and began to prepare for her mad dash.
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It was raining so hard at this point, even being under the covered parking was not really keeping you dry. Bean bails and gets soaked on the way inside. I hang out for about three minutes thinking that there would be a break in the moisture and I would head into the house like a normal DRY! human. Bean locked the car, and took my phone, otherwise, I WOULD have photos of something that happened.
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I hear a really funny noise. Not like a freight train at all, it was like a large dog growling. LOUDLY! Roooooowwwwwwwwwrrrrrrrr! I looked up to see a big ol' bundle of spinning white crap. I was immediately unhappy. I was pumped for seeing the movie, but you know, I was not even thinking about IRONMAN! at all, right about this time.
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I have no idea how to draw this, even with my extensive experience. The rain was hitting me as if I were out in the middle of the field behind me. I was soaked to the bone. I was also hanging onto the door handle of a PT Cruiser that has handles with the old timey button to open the door. It was like an oasis in the desert. My feet never left the ground AND I never peed myself, nor screamed, but I sure wanted to. I think.
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I have no idea how long it lasted, but it seemed like hours, even though I'm guessing it was only moments. I really didn't watch the tornado go away either. Right when it passed, Bean came running down the sidewalk keening some high-pitched squealing noise and I yelled at her to go back inside. I followed. Needless to say, my damn drawers had sand and all kinds of stuff in them and my clothes were soaked. I give the whole experience a hearty two thumbs down, although I did feel somewhat invincible afterwards.
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Bean told me the next day that the weather morons were saying there was no tornado, that it was just some blah, blah, blah, but you know, when winds destroy at least ten buildings, knock down power to an entire town, as well as shear damn near every single tree in the town, you can call it a "premblememblemation" for all I give a shit.

Bean got her power back on for a few minutes today, but they had to turn it off again to make some repairs on one of the main streets in town. Seriously, I saw minimally fifty power poles, in a very small town, sheared completely in two from the "not a tornado."

By the way, Skunky, I know what you do when you catch one. You immediately let it go.

Envy me, I can mark "Hang on for dear life to a car door handle during a tornado" off of my personal bucket list. Can you?

I never saw IRONMAN! either, dang it. I flew out Saturday afternoon from OKC and power was still off when I left. Bean and I had been living in the 1800's since Thursday night. Cowboy living in the one hundred degree heat sucks the big 'un.

I do love you, Bean. Asshole n gger. (<--That's NAGGER, you racist.)

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