Friday, November 07, 2008

Investing in College Footbaw (UPDATED!!!)

With the market on the uptick this morning, much to my chagrin, you should immediately do some profit taking and get into the SEC Betting Stocks. They are a sure winner!

With Week Eleven upon us, we have some great match-ups and tomorrow promises to be a hoot.

What is happening around the Bowl Championship Conference this week?

Welp, Tennessee has proven that there is no intelligent life in Knoxville. Head Cro-atch Fillup Phulmer has decided to step down because he had an off year. Hey, never mind that he is third on the active cro-atches list in wins, the Vols think that there exists someone who is better. That is because they are morons. Really, you should just jettison every idea that has ever worked in college footbaw and go with an unknown quantity. Maybe a new cro-atch will bring HOPE and CHANGE to Knoxville. Try trolling the cro-atch staff at the New Orleans Saints fieldhouse, Vols, there is a guy called Cro-atch O. There is your Messiah. Stupid douchebags.

And again in Starkvegas, there are some new calls to ditch the Negro. MSU Folks, get a friggin' grip. I have debunked everyone of your ridiculous arguments about getting rid of Croom. Lemme let y'all in on ONE LITTLE SECRET. Jackie Sherrill sucked. His combined record at State was 75-75-2. That is a perfect .500 record. If you take out the three years where Jackie cheated his friggin' ass off, 1998-2000, his record dips to 49-64-2. That brings his wins to 3.7 per season which is off of State's average of 4.1 a year. So, morons, Sherrill is WORSE than the average MSU cro-atch. How do you like them apples? Croom averages 4.25 wins a season before this year, so he is not only much, much better than Jackie, Croom actually is better than the average MSU cro-atch. Eat it, dumbasses. You know not of what you speak.

Both of the above mentioned college populations voted for the Obamagasm at a clip of 67%-23%, what does that tell you? Yes, that they are morons.

Let's get to the picks! Who ya' got?

First outta the gate we have number thirteen UGA at the Hillbillies of Kentucky (+12, o/u 45). Dang, with UGA pretty much out of the BCS picture, what can they possibly do to keep their spirits up? Judging by the asinine jabbering coming out of the SEC right now, you would think that Richt would have already gotten fired and Knowshon Moreno would have gotten benched. Let's hope that the oldest land grant university in the country is not that damn stupid. UGA and the over. Dang, that scares me.

The Razorhawgs (+13, o/u 45) at the 'Cocks. This game is uninteresting to me. The dick joke is getting old. No, I mean Spurrier, not 'Cocks. Arkansas knocked off in stunning style, the most productive offense in the country last weekend and the 'Cocks had a BYE. By BYE, I mean that they played Tennessee. Thank G_d Tennessee got rid of that shitty, know-nothing cro-atch, Phulip Filmer. All roads point to the 'Cocks raping the pigs, but I gotta go the other way. This is upset weekend in the SEC. Razorhogs and the under.

Wyoming (+27, o/u 43.5) at Rocky Top. Uh oh. Please understand, Tennessee is down this year. Far down. With the tarring and feathering of the third winningest active cro-atch in college footbaw, the mood is off. But, luckily the Vols play a Mountain West team. Also, the Mountain West has ZERO good teams, including the suck-ass Utes, and the Horned Frogs. Tennessee NEEDS this game, but can they actually score any points? This season says.....NO. Anyhoo, Rocky Top and the over.

Tennessee-Martin at Da' Barn. Would you believe there is NO LINE? I swear, I have never seen this in my entire life. Never has there been an SEC game played where I couldn't find a line. Never. It is NOT THERE. Amazing. I checked eight booking houses. THERE IS NO LINE ON THIS GAME. Did both teams die in a planecrash last night? Let's just assume that they didn't and say Auburn wins.

Number one Bammeroids at number sixteen Geaux Tigers (+3.5, o/u 47.5). Bammer is undefeated, that is impossible to do, almost, in the SEC. I have Bammer planned to lose to We Suck next weekend, so that is one game for them to lose, and also I have Bammer to lose to Da' Barn the week after that, that's their two losses. The Geaux Tigers are off their game this year, too. Bammeroids and the over. I feel sorry for (Dead) Tommy 5, his life in Lower Alabama must be getting damn near impossible with the Sabear leading the Bammeroids on this undefeated run. My pity cup runneth over.

UPDATE: Mrs. (Dead) Tommy 5, sends this in.



Last game, number five the Gates at the Swashbuckling Creepies (+23.5, o/u 48.5). Turban Myers, the head cro-atch of the Gates has no damn problem running up the score against anyone. His mindset is to destroy the competition and move on to the next week. This is the philosophy that FORCES the morons at the four letter to move your team up the board. Turban is not a dummy and his Gates shall leave the county farm, go to the stadium on Saturday and show the fancy pants what a mop does. Gates and the over.

Now, for your entertainment, watch this six minute video of the Homerism of the SEC. Please understand that these guys are not even rooting for a good team, they are H-U-G-E fans of the Senator Robert Byrds of Northeast Klanslingtonville. Go Ole Miss! Awesome, even though I am not an Ole Miss fan, you have to respect these guys for their over the top homerington.



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