Friday, December 19, 2008

The Dark Knight - The Two Dogs Way!

Hideous waste of time. Even Val Kilmer was a better Batman. Holy Lord, this movie sucked to epic proportions. Anyone that even remotely enjoyed this movie should be avoided at all costs, they suffer from severe brain damage and are dangerous to themselves and to everyone that is around them. The Dark Knight is no Southland Tales, but it is tuuurrrrrible.

Christian Bale is the worst Batman ever in the history of cinema AND television. His performance is actually criminal in thirty-seven countries and anywhere there exist people with taste and intelligence.

Heath Ledger turned in a surprisingly uninspired performance as somebody that is utterly forgettable. Seriously, I do not even remember the part that he even played in this movie. Seems like it was a gay sheepherder, but really do not quote me on that, I could certainly be wrong. I am positive, however, that there will be people that claim his was a great performance. I like to call those people "morons" or "fools."

And to go from Tommy Lee Jones, who is an absolute moron, but a pretty good actor, to Aaron Eckhart as Harvey Dent, is a travesty. You probably will recall that Eckhart was in Any Given Sunday. You don't remember? Probably because this guy has never had a single role in any movie other than "Man #6 at bus stop while the bus goes careening by" in Speed. In a sane world, that would have been his defining moment.

What y'all did to Gary Oldman is criminal. I think Oldman is very talented and enjoy watching him. Y'all turned him into Abe Fucking Vigoda, who is none of the above.

Even Michael Caine is horrible in this movie and plays an utterly useless part in Alfred. Remember the first three Batman movies? Michael Gough, who played Alfred, actually needed to be in the movie for plot cohesion. Michael Caine's part offered NOTHING and his performance certainly lived up to the need for his part.

Oh, and as far as the cinematography is concerned, to director Christopher Nolan I offer this humble critique: "Sir, there is a little thing called 'light' that is required to capture images on film. As a director, picture quality is important. Try LIGHTING, it helps muches to get a good picture. Just because the movie is titled as it is, it is not necessary to provide two solid hours of a screen so dark that your viewers cannot discern what the Hell is happening. Try parlor bingo as a career instead, making movies is NOT your forte. You suck as bad, if not worse, than tOSU."

Seriously, this movie did not even need to be shot in color. The contrast was so bad and the color was so bleached out, there was no need at all to even use color. The Blair Witch Project was higher movie quality and it looked like it was filmed by a jonesing heroin junkie from a moving roller coaster.

In other words, Academy Awards for everyone. Remember, they gave one to Halle Berry for Monster's Ball. That movie made watching Halle Berry get nailed the most boring sex scene that I have ever had the misfortune to watch. But, it did launch that cottage industry of Viagra.

But, it gets even worse.

There will be another movie made with the same terrible cast and crew. Plus. Eddie. Murphy. The fact that The Riddler has already been in the 1995 Batman Forever movie and was played by Jim Carrey to the level of nausea makes no difference to people that cannot remember yesterday. Oddly enough, that was the Val Kilmer Batman movie and it is only 10 x 76 to the 49th power better than The Dark Knight. And it sucked.

Futhermore, the soon to be announced new Batman movie will also star a relatively unknown, untalented hack named Shia LeBouf. (Shown here practicing for his role of Robin.)

Long story short, quit watching Batman movies. They are going to be really bad and Hollywood is going to keep making them if you keep paying to see them.

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