Friday, December 05, 2008

This Week in College Footbaw

We finally made it to Championship Weekend! If you are in Moronlanta, you shall be watching the number ONE Bammeroids against the number TWO Gates. This game is to establish the NCAA D-I champion of the entire Earth. Footbaw doesn't get any better. What is strange however, is that Vegas placed the NUMBER ONE TEAM IN THE WORLD at the dawg position. The line is Bammer +10, with the o/u at 52. Please remember that Vegas makes their money knowing things like injuries, historical facts, trends, and the like. I, on the other hand, pull my picks straight from my mudditch. This is quite possibly the reason that I suck at this task of picking winners.

All that said, the number one through number four teams all play each other for their conference championships this weekend, at neutral sites, while uSCCC plays UCLA (+32.5 o/u 47) in Brentwood. Two teams in the top four shall lose, and two shall win. In other words, if the WRONG teams lose in the two real games this weekend, uSCCC shall play for the BCS Championship. Yes, the BCS doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things, but you do get a trophy, so you got that going for you.

Please also keep in mind that Pac-10 is not real footbaw, it is of such lesser quality as to actually make the Olympics look good by comparison. If you watch Pac-10 footbaw by choice, you seriously need to be locked in an area where you cannot come in contact with people who could catch your stupidity or insanity by osmosis. Researchers have yet to determine whether stupidity is actually contagious, but judging by the results on November fourth, that is a good possibility.

On to the stuff, WHO YA' GOT?

There are two conferences this year that offer superior footbaw entertainment, the Big 12 and of course, the Championship Conference. Oddly, this year, the Big 12 is only competitive in the South Division. That only happens sixty-seven out of every sixty-eight years. So that in itself is a rarity for insane people.

Missouri (+16.5 o/u 78) v. Oklahoma at Arrowhead Stadium. Not lost on me is the fact that Tejas Cornilargo should be in this game. You see, Tejas and Oklahoma have the exact same record, yet Tejas beat Oklahoma. The tie-breaker was set up to be the team leading in the BCS. Yes, we know that the Big 12 takes footbaw seriously, but they never stopped to think of all possible scenarios that could occur when all of the sudden total parity and chaos would break out. No one in their right mind thinks that Missouri is going to win, but I am cynical enough to think that there are devious goings on to get uSCCC in the BCS Championship Game. The fact that uSCCC is in the Top 25 PROVES my point. Still, Oklahoma and the under. You can skip watching this game if you desire, it is probably not going to be very good.

uSCCC at UCLA (+32.5 o/u 47). This game determines NOTHING unless uSCCC loses. Then chaos breaks out in juco baw. While that in itself is humorous to me, this game has no bearing at all on anything for anyone or anywhere. From what I hear, even the cheerleaders at Pac-10 schools are ugly. So, avoid this one at all costs unless you like the WNBA and the Summer Olympics. Please hit your knees tonight and pray for the soul of the ONLY good player to ever come from the Pac-10. It seems that Orenthal James Simpson is going to prison for ripping off some folks in Vegas. Too bad that those people he killed did not get justice. uSCCC and the OVER.

Ball State v. Buffalo (+15 o/u 63). Since the Rutgers, Boise State, Hawaii of 2008 is playing tonight against an animal, I thought that I would mention this game. Jason Whitlock and David Letterman are both Ball State alumni. In other words, this game is stupid, forget it. Ball State and the OVER. Then they draw a real footbaw team in the bowls and get ass handed, spoon-fed, and raped by the loser of the ACC, a non-conference.

Army v. Navy. Military guys play footbaw. Just watch it for no reason other than a tradition that actually mattered sixty years ago. Military and the over or the under.

THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME!!!!! Bammer (+10 o/u 52) v. Gates at Moronlanta. To put this is perspective, the Sabear has built the Bammeroids around the old style smash nuts footbaw teams that I grew up watching. Also, they went UNDEFEATED in the SEC through the regular season, a rarity. Granted, the SEC is a little off their normal pace this year, which means that it is only twelve times better than the Big 12 South, but still, UNDEFEATED. The Gates lost to Ole Miss, the third worst team in the SEC history. If you are wondering, We Suck is worst, Kentucky is second worst, Ole Miss is third, and Vandy is fourth. The thing that keeps Vandy ranked higher than the other three is the very early 1900s.

Also, Bammer was ranked NUMBER 24 at the jump of the season, with Sarah Jessica Parker at quarterback. By way of comparison, uSCCC was ranked number three and only fell two slots over the course of the year while beating no one, and losing to the Beavers. Bammer has climbed twenty-three slots through impossible odds, playing seven ranked teams, while uSCCC played their normally emaciated schedule against terrible teams (three that got ranked anyway, two never topped 20) and still stayed in the rankings. Conspiracy? SHIT NAW!

The Gates have played seven ranked teams as well. Of course that counts Tennessee, but who the Hell knew? The thing that turns me off with the Gates is that they play sandlot footbaw. The "everybody go out for a pass" offense doesn't do too well against teams that play rugged REAL SEC footbaw. Remember Hawaii v. UGA last year? Destruction at a level last seen when Custer said, "Oh shit yeah, we gonna kick some ass, NOW!" I am a complete believer in good fundamentals beating the trickery and dainciness (<--yes, that IS a word.) of the spread every time.

BAMMER AND THE UNDER FTW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just so you know, I was just kidding about the uSCCC game above. If they do happen to win on Saturday, they get the Pac-10 trophy shown to the left.

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