Thursday, September 10, 2009

I Am Currently Accepting Applications for Adoptees

Since I have decided that the morons in DC shall never receive another penny of my hard-earned income until they decide to attempt to follow the Constitution, I read financial blogs daily and friends bombard me with info teaching me how to keep MY OWN DAMN MONEY. Christina Jade sent me a treasure trove this morning.

Currently the law allows individuals to earn just over 100k overseas and not be taxed on those earnings. The almighty federal government also allows individuals to have 10k in monetary holdings without having to claim those assets. The kicker is that you can claim 10k for each family member.

I am currently accepting applications for adoptees to become part of my "family." Age is irrelevant, all races, creeds, religions, sexes and sexual preferences, and any level of handicap is accepted. I need AT LEAST 230 million "children." Think "Father of a Nation." I have goals.

No, you will NOT be included in the will. If you want to pony up your 10k or any lesser amount, that would be really cool, too.

Please take the time to comment.

17 comments:

Skunkfeathers said...

You can adopt me, but I'll keep control of my 10k; you can just "paper claim it" for tax purposes, just like Barry ;)

paul mitchell said...

Skunkfeathers, I do hope you see the contradiction in your comment about keeping control of your 10k. If you gave it to me, that WOULD be you keeping control of it.

Oddybobo said...

You can adopt me too, but I gotta get something out of it! ;)

paul mitchell said...

What about a big ol' hunk of PAH?

(For those of you that are Redneckishly Englishly challenged, PAH is PIE.)

Staci said...

Dude-also-known-as-Abraham, could I just have some pah (depending of course on what kinda pah it is)

Oddybobo said...

I like Pah! Apple!

Andy said...

You can have my 13-year-old. He's already named after you, so you can just call him "Junior."

paul mitchell said...

Andy, thanks for helping, but you are just letting me claim him and you keep him right? Can I claim Sadie and you keep her, too?

All I need right now is a 13 year old to eat me outta house and home. Scientists only THINK Great Whites are eating machines.

I am about done with Ben and I think that I am going to celebrate for an entire year after that!

Andy said...

Sorry Paul! If I give you the "rights" to Paul, you must shelter, feed, deal with his teachers, bathroom problems, and keep him stocked with humor.

I'm sure you can handle the "humor" deal...so, he's headed your way...

"Take my Sadie...Please!" List her as your retarded daughter, and you might get a double dip and a "crazy check" from the gubmit to provide for her care.

Man, I've been through that "eating machine" deal with teenagers since before you were wearing long pants. Sigh...

And no matter how well you stock the pantry, and how much money you spend at the grocery store, they always seem to bring about 7 guys home with them after school and wipe it all out!

Man, I miss those days.

paul mitchell said...

Andy, is thirteen too young to make him live out in the shed? I can never remember these parenting things, my ONE kid gave me so much brain damage I shall never recover.

By the way, what is the benefit to me of getting the write-off if I actually have to support a teenager and a deadbeat lab that cannot protect a lawnmower? I think that you are missing the basic premise behind my defrauding of the government.

If you miss those days of never having any food in the house, I got a 19 year old that I can sure as Hell send your way. He is great at eating at all hours, sleeping until noon, and playing X-Box the rest of the time. I'll even provide the X-Box. Hell, I'll even throw in 100 dollars a week. OR MORE.

Arcticman Speaks! said...

You can adopt me, but you can't expect me to give up any of my permanent fund this year. It's going to be around $1300. I love October in the Arctic. Don't expect a visit, but you can stop by......if you let me know your coming. That way I can make it safe.

paul mitchell said...

Okay, Arcticman, you are going to put the guard polar bears in the pen or something?

Skunkfeathers said...

I'll take some PAH...and part wid some of what's left of my 100.25k...

ChristinaJade said...

I've been adopted once as an infant, guess it wouldn't hurt to do it again. Don't expect 10K from me, although I might have around 10 bux, so there is that.

The dogs think they are people, so add them in the mix.

And Puddles will just eat all the pah. She's 9 going on about 16, y'know. AND! She has her own shed in the yard.

ChristinaJade said...

By the way, loosely translated, that means you don't get the kid. Paul's nation would be minus one Hannah Montana fan.

I don't know, but this whole thing is starting to sound a bit "David Koresh-y" - with various flavors of pah. Just sayin'

paul mitchell said...

CJ, y'all are missing the point. I don't want the dependents to actually be with me, I hate people remember? I just want the deductions.

ChristinaJade said...

Oh, no, I got that point. :)

But srsly, Puddles does have her own shed out in the yard. She threatens to move out into it whenever I make her do her homework. Therefore, she would refuse assimilation, even remotely.

Post a Comment