Sunday, October 04, 2009

Where I Admit that I Could Make Janeane Garafolo Smoking Hot (UPDATED!!!)

I got into a ridiculous conversation last night sparked by the typical Conservative v. Liberal female attractiveness. It is blatantly obvious that women that refer to themselves as liberal have very little that makes them attractive, but the reality is that women are the fairer sex and they are more susceptible to liberal ideology because it is falsely built upon the mantle of "caring and compassion." When faced with the facts, most people can admit that liberal ideology never produces its intended end result. Well, unless they are batshit crazy, which allegedly 25% of the country is. (Just for the record, I cry bullshit on that, too!)

Admit it, Janeane is not Hillary Clinton or Michelle Obama ugly. She doesn't have a Jewel tooth or hideous deformities of the melon like Nancy Pelosi or Susan Sarandon. Janeane's ugliness originates from elsewhere.

The wager that I made last night was that if I was given one month, I could make Janeane Garofalo into a smoking hot chick. As I am a firm believer in the power of negative reinforcement, because I am not a friggin' sissy, I would require someone, that is much younger than me, to administer the reinforcement. I raised a son, so my rotator cuffs are not in the best shape.

Obviously, the hideous tattoos that Janeane has all over her arms would simply have to go. Body art is not totally unattractive, but come on, the stuff she has all over her body looks like it was done by a Parkinson's patient in the grips of a grand mal seizure. NOT COOL. And she is a little heavy, so she would have to be forced to produce some sweat equity in this endeavor. But, seriously, not much, she is already workable.

Enter the hard part. Reprogramming that stupid, idiotic, libtard, ridiculous lunacy that oozes from her cakehole with regularity. Face it, Janeane appears as dumb as a box of fingernail clippings. She would have to be reinforced into not saying anything as silly as she currently spews.

Here's how we do it. We take the reinforcement youngster and a six foot long bamboo shoot, place political topic flashcards in front of Janeane, and begin. As we turn the flashcards we ask Janeane to expound on the topic. Every time that she states something other than fact, the bamboo swings quickly into action until she admits ignorance on that particular topic. Once she admits her stupidity, then the actual knowledge can be learned. Seriously, do you think this would take more than a day for her to learn the proper research technique for finding answers?

After a true thirst for knowledge is acquired, the rest of her training is akin to falling off a damn log. Converting liberals is honestly the easiest thing in the world to do, because they simply want acceptance into the productive sect of society. Mostly they have been wrongly programmed in the current educational climate or are simply idiots. Janeane simply doesn't appear to have enough experience to be an absolute idiot, she just wants acceptance and normal people think that she is gross. I shall invest the time she needs to become who she could be. Because I care.

Also understand, the liberals that get converted are actually the most effective for the rational cause because they have realized the error of their ways. We people that have always needed facts, science, and mathematics for the proofs of our ideology really have no understanding of what it is like to come out of the blinding ignorance of liberalism, while former liberals see things from the stupid side, too.

Just saying.

UPDATE: Will someone please let Janeane know that I am willing to help her. FOR FREE, EVEN!!! She opened her stupid cakehole again.

Please take the time to comment.

8 comments:

Patrick Joubert Conlon said...

Too much hard work for very little reward. It would be easier to just lobotomize her.

paul mitchell said...

Patrick, it would seen that way to most folks, but I am big ol' softy. No idiot left behind.

Andy said...

Yeah, that's you Paul. Man, I am literally in stitches. But then, I am hittin' the pain medicine...

Skunkfeathers said...

Sorry, dude. I have to agree with Patrick.

But, you CAN make Janeane "smoking hot": shove a spit up her ass and put her over a slow fire. That'll work.

Then again, CJ is smoking hot without so much as single makeover.

ChristinaJade said...

Skunky - YOU ROCK! *blushes* Thanks!

Paul, that is NOT how you said you were going to do it. Although, this is a lovely method, you should do some sort of live webcam thingy and call it "reprogramming stupid liberal chicks who cannot shut the hell up" - perhaps it would spread like WILDFIRE!

ChristinaJade said...

OH! And by the way, as a former tree-hugger, I can honestly say that your analysis is correct. When you look at the facts instead of being led around by pseudo-compassion, and quit walking on eggshells so as not to offend anyone, things make WAY more sense.

ChristinaJade said...

OH! And by the way, as a former tree-hugger, I can honestly say that your analysis is correct. When you look at the facts instead of being led around by pseudo-compassion, and quit walking on eggshells so as not to offend anyone, things make WAY more sense.

paul mitchell said...

Patrick, it would seen that way to most folks, but I am big ol' softy. No idiot left behind.

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