Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Food Pr0n and My Friend's Junk

Excerpt from an actual e-mail thread: Let's just call my friend "Ernie Jacob" to utterly protect his identity.

Ernie Jacob: Paul - Get a group together. It will be a blast. Your money will go to good causes, namely my Christmas budget and a charity of your choice. (E-mail is accompanied with a menu from the cooking class "Ernie Jacob" is teaching.)

Me: Ernie Jacob, I would appreciate it greatly if from this point forward you would e-mail every tidbit of FOOD PORN you receive. Mkaythanxbai!!!

Ernie Jacob: Freaky ass porn is my buddy Buddy's hangup. My tastes run a bit milder.

Me: I have used up a whole bottle of olive oil already reading this menu. Quick! Call the Greenville Burn Center before I do real damage to myself.

Ernie Jacob: Olive oil makes for a poor lubricant. You might want so switch to peanut oil. It has a much higher smoke-point and doesn't flash over until 540 degrees.

Me: All I know for sure is that Vicks Vapor Rub and Hawaiian Tropic tanning oil suck to the nth degree.

Ernie Jacob: In high school, I learned that Agree shampoo + dad's old playboy = chemical burn; in college, I learned a similar formula...Apple Pectin conditioner + sorority girl = chemical burn.

Me: Thanks for filling me in on your junk's particulars. I'll make a spreadsheet.

Ernie Jacob: Just felt like sharing. On the bright side of college experiments...Finesse conditioner was awesome in the hands of the right sorority girl! I still get a boner every time I smell it. I had to stop buying it because of the side effects.

Me: Dude, I shall put that on the spreadsheet, too. Pfizer is gonna be so fucking pissed, since they just lost Ol' Ernie Jacob as a client. Oh! Check this out!

At this point, I added a link to this blog post.

Please take the time to comment.

10 comments:

ChristinaJade said...

Just more proof that men enjoy their "special time" alone, and that's where all the damn hair products go.

paul mitchell said...

Yet luckily, there are always twelve friggin' bottles of that slick stuff in the shower that we share with the wimmern folk.

Skunkfeathers said...

Walmart discounts much of that ;) Running short of the "essentials" in college results in binge drinking and burning couches and Yugos.

stilettoGOP said...

Like women don't partake in special alone time. Ever notice all the "personal massagers" out there that are waterproof? It ain't for soothing sore muscles while swimming laps, folks.

We certainly enjoy our shower/bath time, too, ya know.

Do not disturb... ;-)

classicaliberal said...

Screw the conditioner, I wanna meet the Sorority girl! Woohoo! Oh shit, the wife's calling. Don't wait on me.

paul mitchell said...

In case y'all are not aware, stiletto is a hawt chick. Dammit, dammit to Hell, now that is on my mind.

And CL's wife is hawt, too.

And me sitting at home alone, no one to comfort me in my airplane bed. No friggin' co-pilot. Dammit, where is that Finesse?

Skunkfeathers said...

Dang, Paul, you got two hawt chicks what come here?

Skunkfeathers said...

Dang, Paul, you got two hawt chicks what come here?

classicaliberal said...

Screw the conditioner, I wanna meet the Sorority girl! Woohoo! Oh shit, the wife's calling. Don't wait on me.

paul mitchell said...

In case y'all are not aware, stiletto is a hawt chick. Dammit, dammit to Hell, now that is on my mind.

And CL's wife is hawt, too.

And me sitting at home alone, no one to comfort me in my airplane bed. No friggin' co-pilot. Dammit, where is that Finesse?

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