Originally posted February 1, 2006 and re-run every year since. Because it is impossible to improve upon perfection.
As you all must know by now, February is Black History Month. Beginning as "Negro History Week", the celebration gained enough popularity to prompt President Clumsy Ford in 1976 to declare the whole damn month, "Black History Month". But why February? I find that in itself to be incredibly ironic or something. You do know that February is the shortest month and the only month that doesn't have a consistent number of days. Conspiracy? Yep, I think so. Hey let's give the black race a special month where that is when we talk about "their" history. Then we won't have to even assume that "Black History" is really just history.
Come on, am I the only one that thinks this is crazy? With this mindset, we can always exclude history that involves people of the black race for the whole year until February and then we can just jump on it for the shortest month of the year. Sounds like one of those Democrat programs. Don't just cover the black race like they are human, let's separate them 'cause we know if blacks are assimilated, then they will expect to be treated the same way as everyone else. Let's just set aside a special time to talk about "them".
Okay, I am not Black, but I am not stupid either. The people I see on a daily basis are a very good racial mix because I work for an architecture firm that is minority owned. We have a racial make-up that is freakishly multicultural. I live in a metropolitan area that has pretty much equal displacement white/black. I can honestly say that the people I have spent my entire life around are a racially diverse group and I can also say that the only differences that I notice are the varying amounts of pigment in our skin. Oh, and Black's huge...........(insert inappropriate cliche here)
Let's think about this a bit. Doesn't it make sense to study Dr. King's work alongside the study of the Vietnam War? Doesn't it make sense to handle the studies about slavery alongside the founding of this country, the Revolutionary War, the writing of the Constitution, and the Civil War? Doesn't it make sense to study the first black Supreme Court Justice at the same time as you study exactly how stupid the welfare programs of Lyndon Johnson were? And doesn't it make sense to look into the Tuskegee Airmen at the same time that you are studying D-Day?
If you remove these events from history's time line and push them into one month of study, you disrupt the flow of history in its context. Kids will never know that the Montgomery Bus Boycott happened when we were at war with Korea. They will never understand that it took eight long years from the point of the Emancipation Proclamation until a Black man could vote. They will not understand that even though Black men were given the right to vote by the Fifteenth Amendment in 1870, Black women were still not given that right until the same time that White women were allowed to vote. (it was called Women's Suffrage and ended with the ratification of the Nineteenth Amendment in 1920, in case you were wondering)
All I'm saying is this; you that believe dividing our culture into all these little racial groups are ruining the "Melting Pot" idea of our country. We are the mixed-up population that accepts anyone into the fold with glee.
Anyhoo, Black History Month is a travesty. I think that the sooner we get to the point of doing away with it, the sooner that we can achieve a true color blind society, like Dr. King advocated. I am against anything that draws attention to our differences according to physical traits over which we have no control. The similarities of all people are the things that need to be highlighted.
Oh, and I love your hair, can I touch it?
And now I present the rest of the months after the vetting process to breakout all of the protected minorities.....
Juanary: The month set aside to study the contributions of the brown folks from South of the Border. However with the explosive rate of the Hispanic population, shortly this month may need to be reclaimed to offer a more fitting minority their month. I am of the mind that when the Hispanics do become the majority, the month shall revert back to "January" and be dedicated to the study of Jan-Michael Vincent and his awesome movies. You see, there is only ONE Jan-Michael Vincent.
Blackuary: See above. However in a bitter twist of irony, on Blackuary 29, every four years, we shall celebrate "Lily-White Cracker Day". On this holiday, slavery will again be legal for twenty-four hours and all Blacks will have to look away from white folks and be called "Toby".
Harsh: The women's month. Schoolchildren will study, completely out of context, the women's movement, suffrage, abortion rights, NOW, menstrual cycles, and the female orgasm. Myth? Probably.
Atheisist/Agnostic Ril (Yea, I know that one sucks, you do better): The month for the freedom from G_d. All references of the Almighty will be removed from public view. Also, Tax Day continues to fall on the fifteenth, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt, there is no G_d.
Gay: Well, that just writes itself, huh? All Red State dwellers are forced to leave their spouses and move in next door with a member of the same sex. Bring on the Astroglide, Kevin. Not observed in the Blue States, 'cause, well, you know, they are all gay anyway.
Jew: Duh. All males will be forced to be circumcised. All food will be Kosher, the Sabbath will be observed on Saturday, and everyone will say stuff like, "Oy vey!". Whatever the Hell that means.
Jew-Lie: The obvious gets more obviouser. This is the month that we cuddle up with those peaceful Muslims, everyone straps on TNT vests, and all references to the State of Israel are abolished. Also, no pork will be sold. As an added plus, German History Week falls in Jew-Lie. All Holocaust evidence shall be burned.
Animalust: Ah, the month of all our four-legged, fuzzy citizens. Not to piss off all the arachnids and other crappy pests, but Fido is much more lovable and friendly. All pets shall rule the roost more than usual and actually receive voting rights for the whole month. Luckily, there are few elections in Animalust. (Alternative Number One: AFL-CIOgust. Only people affiliated with the cause for the loss of damn near every manufacturing job in the whole damn country shall be offered any civil rights.) (Alternative Number Two. Animegust. Only blue-haired, big doe-eyed animated Japanese people shall have any rights. This one needs more work.)
Sextember: The month for NAMBLA! Woo hoo! All the man-boy love you can stand. Sexual deviancy is allowed with no "holes" barred. Man-pig, man-bird, and even man-vegetable sex is allowed. Clothing is optional in public and masturbation enthusiastically encouraged on public transportation. See an attractive potential sex partner walking down the street? Bend him/her/ambiguous over a trash receptacle and go to town, IT'S SEXTEMBER!
Octogenarianism-ber (Another one that sucks): The month set aside of the study of old people and the Supreme Court. Only old people are allowed to drive and be outside. Also, people must continually carp about their health problems. The speed limit reverts to twenty miles an hour and all coffee is free. Oh, and free Depends for everyone! Also, we learn about the boring ol' Supreme Court that rules our every move.
Nativember: Obviously the month that deals with "The People That Were Here First". NO WHEELS ALLOWED! No interstate trucking is allowed, but ironically Roulette is encouraged. Thanksgiving will be renamed "Kemosabe" which actually means "asshole" in Tishamingo. And Tonto will be the figurehead of the month.
Deathcember: The month all prepubescent teens are waiting for, the month of the Goths. Yes, I know that these folks are generally white, upper middle class kids, but dammit, they deserve their month. Freakish dress, multiple piercings, and malaise, woe, and suicide rule the day. All references to Christmas will be changed to references of the Black Arts, cattle mutilation, and other things of the occult. In another bitter twist of fate, to make their lives more miserable, hence, better for the tortured souls, all television shall show mimes and clowns, all day, every day.
I hope that we can all get along now that all protected minorities have their own months without the disturbance of having to acknowledge them damn whiteys except for one day.
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