Saturday, February 19, 2005

STEROIDS: Independent Minded Insignificant Nobody Chimes In

Much ado has been made about athletes taking steroids and juicing, especially here in the last couple of weeks with Jose Canseco's new book coming out. Ben Shapiro wrote an ARTICLE on this very topic.

While I do believe that Mr. Shapiro is an extremely intelligent young man,(I read his stuff religiously) I must politely disagree with his take on this problem.

I consider myself one, crazed sports lunatic, except for hockey, and I WANT these guys to juice if they want to. I want to turn on my television and see a guy that weighs 650 pounds, with arms the size of tree trunks, hit a ball 650 feet. (One foot per pound) I want to see a guy that is six feet eight inches tall, weighing 425 pounds run a 4.3 second forty yard dash. I want to put mics on everyone on the field and hear, I mean HEAR, the hits.

I do not want the administrative bookworms telling me that so-and-so should have an asterisk by his name in the record books because he inhaled depleted uranium. Barry juiced? Dammit, you know he did. Maguire? Yep. Sosa? See a pattern here?

A little side note here: If you think for one second that Sammy Sosa did NOT know that his bat was corked, you are living on another planet. He knew just as all real gamers would know if that bat was 1/32" smaller, or 1/16 of an ounce lighter. Sammy, you are full of crap and are ruining the game acting all innocent about this. He should be banned for life, just like Shoeless Joe Jackson. Look it up if you don't know what I am ranting about.

My point is this, when you get to the level of your game that these guys are, you have to have some advantage. Do I want to watch Jason Giambi on steroids or not? Give me the Giambi that had 38 inch biceps every time. Give me the Barry with the hands like canned hams. Give me the Maguire with the Secretariat looking face, okay, he always looked like that, but you know what I mean.

If you want to watch a bunch of accountants and librarians play sports, turn on soccer or curling. Give me the John Henry-esque looking dudes that frighten small children and feminists. Give me the guys with the Teddy Kennedy shaped heads and physical builds that throw planets out of orbit.