Black Panther - A Movie Review

The transformation is complete in The World of Marvel.

This movie is absolute garbage.

Black Panther is even worse than Wonder Woman.

If Avengers: Infinity War is this bad, I'm done.

If the profanity and obscene gestures in this movie were not bad enough, there is always the overt racism and social justice mantras slapping you upside the head. Seriously, these movies used to be fun, humorous, and entertaining. Now, they are simply insufferable Democrat propaganda.

Marvel, you have one more chance with me.

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Drive-By Blogging - Normal People Better Unite

Man, what in the world is going on in this world? In the last week or so, we've had a Democrat kill fifty-nine people in Vegas, one of the Obama's good Democrat buddies get outed as a serial rapist (everyone was keeping quiet about it for a coupla' decades, well except for the jokes about it at the freakin' Oscars!!!), everyone quit watching professional footbaw (because of the SLAVERY!!!), and Democrat California passed a law, that makes it like a parking ticket, to knowingly infect another human being with human immunodeficiency virus or HIV. Oh, and people with HIV can actually donate blood!!! That's how they killed Arthur Ashe!

Stellar job, people!!!

I guess that since I have not been posting, people forgot what they were supposed to do and how they were supposed to act. I'll correct that by giving few hints in this post.

Number One: Don't murder anyone. To normal people, this is a no-brainer. But, since there are 200 million registered voters, and 48% of them are Democrats, there are at least 96,000,000 people in this country that can legitimately be referred to as "Moderately Impaired or Delayed," according to The Stanford–Binet Intelligence Scale. Normal people refer to the "Moderately Impaired or Delayed" as MORONS, which all Democrats are. Please don't make a single attempt to say that there are smart Democrats, that just makes you look stupid, like a Democrat.

Number Two: Don't rape anyone. Again, to normal people, you really don't have to teach this, but there is a special class that Democrats give that offers up the finer points of how to rape somebody and get them to make jokes about it on color tee-vee. I know, it's very hard to believe, but it is true. That video is from the 2013 Academy Awards and it wasn't funny to me because I didn't know there was a guy raping people!!! Because I am a normal person, I would have told the POLICE!!!

Number Three: If you were never a slave, you cannot complain about being a slave. I guess I need to tip-toe around this issue because I have never been black, but I can honestly say that playing professional footbaw for the minimum wage of Two Million Three Hundred Ten Thousand dollars for your first four years, you do NOT know what slavery is. By way of comparison, even if you were working at fifteen dollars an hour, it would take you 154,000 hours to make that kind of dust. To break it down for you even more, to work that many hours, you would have to work twenty-four hours a day, every day, for six thousand four hundred sixteen years and eight months. Quite frankly, even slaves don't live that long.

And finally, Number Four: Don't infect someone with a life-threatening medical condition to get your rocks off. Since Millennials do not understand Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS), it killed a bunch of sexually promiscuous people and needle junkies back in the day. It was originally called GRID (Gay-Related Immuno Deficiency) or Gay Cancer because it only infected homosexual men, but Harvey Milk made sure that it would get into the blood supply and kill normal people as quickly as the gay men were dying. Yes, that Harvey Milk that is revered as a saint by stupid people everywhere today. I seem to remember Sean Penn, the wife beater and Communist, making a movie about good, ol' Harvey. In case you are wondering, over 230 billion federal tax dollars have been spent on AIDS research since 1981. I'm guessing with the new laws in California, test patients will be numerous for your research grant work, Dr. Government Scientist.

All that carping aside, I would like to state for the record, quit it. Y'all are acting like Democrats to allow these things to keep happening. Until this country, The United States of America, regrows its backbone and starts standing up for the things that are good and right and just, more of these ludicrous things are going to continue. Notice how Roger Goodell wrote that letter right after President Trumperoid said that players that kneel need to be fired? We're all like that, if you make that first move, someone will back you up, even if you are a mediocre President.

I guarantee it.

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Avatar - A Movie Review

Well, since I have been back in The 'Sip, I have quickly become exactly who I was before I left. Right down to the not paying a penny to watch movies. Yes, my reviews come a little later than other reviewers, but I do not have to wear clothes to my viewings!

Now, there were plenty of folks that said Avatar was the typical liberal claptrap about hating the United States and our military, anti-capitalism, and a bunch of crystal worshiping bullshit.

THEY WERE RIGHT, but only up to a point. Let's get this done, mmmmkay?

Sigourney Weaver looks just the same as she did in Ghostbusters. Albeit, she is BLUE instead of RED in this movie. Seriously, I have seen a bunch of folks with braces on their teeth and wearing all kinds of dental implements, but never have I witnessed anyone that had teeth that looked as overly orthodontured as Weaver's. How in the mortal Hell does anyone get their teeth to look that freaking FAKE?

Plus, she still doesn't have any curves. What the Hell? Aren't women supposed to put on weight in good places once they start to age? If you took her into the shower and slicked her hair back, she would look just like a ten year old BOY. Now, that I think about it, ALL of the blue people looked like that. Maybe instead of being a granola-crunching libfest, this movie is really about promoting pedophilia?

Anyhoo, the movie was the typical fantasy movie with 90% cartoon action. Now, there have been IDIOTS that said that they wanted to DIE so they could go to Pandora. Ignore the fact that Pandora was a fantasy place FROM A MOVIE. Why imagine dying to go to somewhere when you can see Pandora right here on Earth? Obviously James Cameron did a bunch of SCUBA diving in preparation to film Titanic. Pandora is the Santa Rosa Reef, folks. You don't believe me? Check it out. You might have to scroll down a bit to get past all the BLUE PHOTOS, but seriously, if you could not tell that all that stupid cartoon crap was nothing but jellyfish, maybe you should stay indoors. And humans had to wear SCUBA gear to be there? Good Lord, even those six-legged water buffalo looking animals were Hammerheads. The reason that those people want to DIE to go to Pandora instead of simply diving Santa Rosa is because to actually see that stuff HERE, they would have to go outside and exert actual physical energy. FUCK THAT!!!

Now, if you ignore the fact that Avatar was incredibly boring and stupid, maybe you could get to a critique of the computer generated stuff? Blade Runner's stuff was more interesting and I was not a HUGE fan of Blade Runner. In case you were wondering, Blade Runner came out in 1982, so the computer generated stuff of Avatar, 2009, did not even stack up to that.

So, let's recap the concept, the players, the background, and the technology. You go SCUBA diving, you like the pretty colors, and you want to film a fantasy. You get a bunch of no-names and has-beens to star in your picture so you do not have to pay them anything so you will make an ass-load of cash, you imagine a culture of hillbilly rubes that worship Mother Gaia, and you get a bunch of basement dwelling "Progressive" cretins, who jack off to anime all day long, that you can browbeat on your plantation to put the movie together. That about wraps that whole thing up.

And weird, you pretty much make fun of everyone, ("Progressives," Conservatives, and retarded savages) and I do mean everyone on Earth in the process while making boatloads of dust, too. WIN and WIN!

Now, the plot/story/indoctrination.

Dumb as dirt young man somehow gets crippled. Brother is killed getting robbed. Moron cripple takes smart brother's place in some kind of weird "science" thingy at a money-making operation. Now, the twist. Cripple moron sees that making money is bad and living in trees is awesome. Sounds like Bezerkley, huh?

The only way that someone can grasp the liberal claptrap of drum circles and Kumbaya is to be dumb as dirt. Please keep in mind that Kumbaya is allegedly based on an African spiritual, but that has never been proven. And we all know that Africa is the mostest awesomest place that has all of the things that "Progressives" want. No electricity, rampant starvation, AIDS all over the place, and slaughter. But, the thing Cameron attempts to do with the whole worship the planet thingy contradicts itself so many times as to render the person of minimally average intelligence so confused that he/she/ambiguous other just surrenders and accepts the basic premise. That is cool, THIS IS A MOVIE.

The Blue Folks live in trees, participate in drum circles, do not have any technology, ride on pterodactyls, worship jellyfish, yet STILL Cameron wants you to think that they are more advanced than someone that understands electricity? What "Progressives" fail to even comprehend is that the more advanced a culture or civilization becomes, the MORE humane that culture becomes. An example? ANY THIRD WORLD COUNTRY v. the United States. Ours is a much more advanced culture and we keep those dung-hut-dwelling rubes ALIVE. Another example is that Afghanistan devolved into tribal warlord slaughter even though parts of the country had running water.

Why would anyone make the leap of stupidity to even imagine that the blue people would be anything other than slaughtering savages? OH! That's right, because they believe that the American Indians were not slaughtering savages, thanks to Howard Zinn and countless other useful idiots. I think that is why some folks say that Avatar is Dances with Wolves in space.

No, Avatar is Scooby Doo with killing with jellyfish and dinosaurs.

All that said, Avatar was not unwatchable. Granted, most movies are made for stupid people, by stupid people, with stupid people. This movie entertains the stupid people's target audience, other stupid people, while employing other stupid people. So, if you want to sit down, blow a couple of hours watching stupid cartoon jellyfish and dinosaurs, Avatar will be right up your alley.

And if you go to the library, you can borrow the movie for free and not give Cameron any more money, from what this movie teaches, that is what he wants, anyway.

Final conclusion: Movie is gay and not funny.

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Slumdog Millionaire - A Movie Review

Well, I heard so much about this movie that when it happened to catch my eye at the library yesterday, I grabbed it. Coupled with the TEN! Academy Award nominations and eight wins, I thought that it would rival any of my favorites.

It was a freaking romantic comedy, y'all. Yes, it was watchable, but it was the kind of movie that you would expect Julia Roberts as the female lead. This was the BEST picture in 2009? Sorry, but I just do not remember, did 2009 really, really suck for movies? Let's see.

(By the way, Freida Pinto was the kinda lead female and she is hot. Freida Pinto NUDE!!!)

OH YEAH. Other Best Picture nominees were Milk, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Frost/Nixon, and The Reader. I have seen NONE of these, but they cannot be worse than Slumdog, huh? 2009 was also the year of The Dark Knight, which was awful, and Hellboy II. Dammit, they made another Hellboy? Wasn't the first Hellboy bad enough?

Oh, wait, the 2009 Oscar season was also the year of Ironman!!! So, I have now seen a total of three of the movies nominated by the Academy for awards that year. Obviously, Ironman was the best of the three and was pretty damned boring.

If you want to burn a couple of hours watching a movie that is not Southland Tales bad, Slumdog is doable.

Make no mistake, the ONLY reason that Slumdog Millionaire won Best Picture is because at least four times in the movie, it is pointed out that the main male character is MUSLIM.

That makes at least fourteen years in a row where being the nominees for Academy Awards means NOTHING. I guess that I'll get a movie from 2010 next time. The Hurt Locker won Best Picture, any comments on that?

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The Dark Knight - The Two Dogs Way!

Hideous waste of time. Even Val Kilmer was a better Batman. Holy Lord, this movie sucked to epic proportions. Anyone that even remotely enjoyed this movie should be avoided at all costs, they suffer from severe brain damage and are dangerous to themselves and to everyone that is around them. The Dark Knight is no Southland Tales, but it is tuuurrrrrible.

Christian Bale is the worst Batman ever in the history of cinema AND television. His performance is actually criminal in thirty-seven countries and anywhere there exist people with taste and intelligence.

Heath Ledger turned in a surprisingly uninspired performance as somebody that is utterly forgettable. Seriously, I do not even remember the part that he even played in this movie. Seems like it was a gay sheepherder, but really do not quote me on that, I could certainly be wrong. I am positive, however, that there will be people that claim his was a great performance. I like to call those people "morons" or "fools."

And to go from Tommy Lee Jones, who is an absolute moron, but a pretty good actor, to Aaron Eckhart as Harvey Dent, is a travesty. You probably will recall that Eckhart was in Any Given Sunday. You don't remember? Probably because this guy has never had a single role in any movie other than "Man #6 at bus stop while the bus goes careening by" in Speed. In a sane world, that would have been his defining moment.

What y'all did to Gary Oldman is criminal. I think Oldman is very talented and enjoy watching him. Y'all turned him into Abe Fucking Vigoda, who is none of the above.

Even Michael Caine is horrible in this movie and plays an utterly useless part in Alfred. Remember the first three Batman movies? Michael Gough, who played Alfred, actually needed to be in the movie for plot cohesion. Michael Caine's part offered NOTHING and his performance certainly lived up to the need for his part.

Oh, and as far as the cinematography is concerned, to director Christopher Nolan I offer this humble critique: "Sir, there is a little thing called 'light' that is required to capture images on film. As a director, picture quality is important. Try LIGHTING, it helps muches to get a good picture. Just because the movie is titled as it is, it is not necessary to provide two solid hours of a screen so dark that your viewers cannot discern what the Hell is happening. Try parlor bingo as a career instead, making movies is NOT your forte. You suck as bad, if not worse, than tOSU."

Seriously, this movie did not even need to be shot in color. The contrast was so bad and the color was so bleached out, there was no need at all to even use color. The Blair Witch Project was higher movie quality and it looked like it was filmed by a jonesing heroin junkie from a moving roller coaster.

In other words, Academy Awards for everyone. Remember, they gave one to Halle Berry for Monster's Ball. That movie made watching Halle Berry get nailed the most boring sex scene that I have ever had the misfortune to watch. But, it did launch that cottage industry of Viagra.

But, it gets even worse.

There will be another movie made with the same terrible cast and crew. Plus. Eddie. Murphy. The fact that The Riddler has already been in the 1995 Batman Forever movie and was played by Jim Carrey to the level of nausea makes no difference to people that cannot remember yesterday. Oddly enough, that was the Val Kilmer Batman movie and it is only 10 x 76 to the 49th power better than The Dark Knight. And it sucked.

Futhermore, the soon to be announced new Batman movie will also star a relatively unknown, untalented hack named Shia LeBouf. (Shown here practicing for his role of Robin.)

Long story short, quit watching Batman movies. They are going to be really bad and Hollywood is going to keep making them if you keep paying to see them.

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FYI and FMI

I went to the video store today because I wanted to watch a movie tonight to avoid continuing to read "You Can't Go Home Again." *asterisk* I wandered the aisles for about half an hour and nothing, nothing, nothing appealed to me. I have decided that tomorrow I shall return and rent "Epic Movie." If no one tells me that it absolutely terrible and I rent it, watch it, and hate it, y'all are all in trouble. I ain't lying.

Thumbs up? Thumbs down?

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* I started reading YCGHA on the plane coming back from OKC on June 5. I read about two pages every night, much to my chagrin. It ranks right up there with Pride and Prejudice as being butt-humpingly bad, but still not to the suckitude of Moby Dick. And no, I have read at least six other books during that same time frame.

Beowulf - A Movie Review

Very rarely do Bean and I share opinions of movies. We both like Talledega Nights but, not too many more come to mind.

We both hated this movie. Dammit, this was awful, never, never, never rent it and fight anyone to the death that tries to make you watch it. It is NOT 300.



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Correction Number Two on the Day

Scroll down one post for the first apology.

I got into a heated conversation with a friend of mine tonight about The Wedding Crashers. He maintained that it was one of the funniest movies that he had ever seen and I told him that he was gay. Okay, I admit that I am not a big movie watcher. Bean and I rent movies quite a bit, but they are secondary to us just spending time together laying around with me playing with her Fred Flintstone feet under a blanket.

Anyhoo, the romantic comedy genre is not one of my favorites. Which is what The Wedding Crashers is. The same as Notting Hill or Pretty Woman. Hugh Grant=gay, Richard Gere=gay. When I first saw Owen Wilson in The Wedding Crashers, my first statement was that he was having a hard time playing a straight guy. And when I saw You, Me, and Dupree, again I had the same thought. And when I saw Meet the Fockers and Ben Stiller was in it too, the overt gayness was as overwhelming as Zoolander.

I just always assumed he was gay. I have no problem with guys being gay, it is just odd to me because I like women. A lot. But it seems that if you got a straight actor to play a straight role, it would be less awkward than having a flaming homosexual try to kiss and love on a woman. Well, long, boring story short, I was shocked when I saw this photo above. And then I studied the photo, Owen Wilson brought a dude in drag to this red carpet affair! That is a dude, I'm telling you....so this is not really a correction , but an I told you so!

This post brought to you because my friend gnutcase sent me THIS, of which, this post is the blatantly obvious progression.

Look, the above link was funny. I know what is funny and THIS is funny, too.

Bean agreed with me, The Wedding Crashers? Not funny, gay.

Brokeback Mountain Review-The Two Dogs Way!

Bring on the STEAMY HOT MAN SEX!

My pool boy, Lamar, finally talked me into attending a showing of the wildly acclaimed blockbuster hit, Brokeback Mountain. I readily agreed because there is nothing more that I want to see than a couple of dudes love up on each other up in the mountains. Here we go with the review.

If you are a gay man and are looking forward to the steamy man-sex, you are going to be disappointed. If you are a woman that wants to see a love story, you are up the creek as well. And even if you are a cinema buff and want to see some great directing, I would recommend Underworld Evolution before Brokeback. (yea, I saw UE and it sucked too)

All in all, there was nothing to attract anyone to this movie other than the hype. Below I have broken this down into bullet points for simplicity.

1. The movie was boring as Hell. It drug on for about two and a half hours.

2. The dialogue was idiotic. Jack Swift: “Enis, I am tired of beans.” Enis: “Yea, Jack, I’m tired of beans, too.”

3. Where in the Hell did they get all the whiskey while they were on the mountain? I’m guessing that the head sheep herder didn’t supply it, but these guys stayed drunk the entire two months that they were out there. Strange.

4. The movie started with a year captioned at the bottom to let you know WHEN the Hell it was, but all the other settings didn’t supply the time reference. I had to try to keep up with the time frame by judging how old the trucks were. Confusing, Ang. Just remember in the future that cohesion is necessary for a good story.

5. What in the Hell did Enis do to make money after working for the sheep herder? You heard about working the ranch, but you never saw the place.

6. Did I mention that it was boring as Hell?

7. The theatre was packed and the first show sold out. This was a little misleading because it was shown on the smallest screen at Tinseltown. Underworld sold more tickets, but the theatre where it played was not sold out because there were 2.5 times more seats. Go figger.

8. The majority of the crash observers were 45-60 year old women. I don’t know what to think about that, but they were ALL yawning when they emerged. Yea, there were a few man/woman couples and fewer same sex couples, but most were the women with their friends.

9. The only reason that I can establish for this movie to win any awards is because the story is supposedly about a long time love affair between two men. Having seen the movie, I can tell you that it is really not about gay men, but more about men that lie to their wives and family to stay in the closet.

10. Uber boring.

11. Nice settings in the mountains. If there was an award for backdrop, I think that Brokeback would come in fourth or fifth, quintile.

12. Enis drank Budweiser. Everyone knows that gay men drink Miller Lite.

13. The best part of the movie was that they actually played the WORST Allman Brothers song, “Sweet Melissa”.

14. Near the end, the movie completely fell apart. The plot line dissolved. Sighing was heard throughout the theatre and I think that there was a mad rush to the door at the end to keep from dying from boredom. Did I mention that the movie was boring?

15. The guy behind me brought a whole box of bubble wrap from which to eat his popcorn. Pretty annoying. Folks, if you have no movie manners and are suffering for tuberculosis, stay home and give the rest of us a break, PLEASE.

16. Near the end of the movie, there was a completely random “Flashback” scene. It was stupid, it offered nothing to the story, and it was stupid and boring.

17. If there is a cure for insomnia, this movie is it.

18. The previews were much better than the ones that we saw before Underworld.

My opinion: Wait for this one on DVD, folks. You will be glad you did. And if you don’t, stay away from the guy with the bubble wrap.

My Significant Other review: It was actually worse than “Queen of the Damned”. (Ed Note: No it's not!) And what about their names, Jack Swift and _Enis? That was just weird.

Gay Cowboys, Oh My!

I was really trying to understand what the big deal is about "Brokeback Mountain". Then I went to the website. "Group Ticket Sales"? Wow, Lamar, we can get a bunch of our girlfriends together, get some Zimas, and go watch these "roughnecks" love on each other.

The movie tag-lines describe the film as "following the 20-year forbidden romance between two roughneck ranch hands". Man, I just threw up in my mouth a little. Who in Hell wants to see this? And why in Hell didn't some of the other "roughnecks" do something about it?

I can picture the conversation now.

"Y' know, Clem, I think them boys is sweet on each other. Kinda makes me sick."

"Red, I think you may be right. They sure do slip off to the hayloft together a bunch."

"Maybe we should take them into town and show them what a girl is."

"Hell, I ain't putting them sissies in my truck. Somebody might see them with me."

Anyway, there seems to be some problems with the take as advertised about this movie. From the numbers that have been released regarding the Box Office take, either the theaters have somewhere in the neighborhood of 1500 seats or tickets for this movie cost $45.00 each.

Justice will be served for Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal if they are stereotyped in their gay cowboy roles.

Hey! Let's rename the movie. Here's mine, "Sticky Back Mounting". Okay, that was damn nasty.