Sunday, January 22, 2006

Brokeback Mountain Review-The Two Dogs Way!

Bring on the STEAMY HOT MAN SEX!

My pool boy, Lamar, finally talked me into attending a showing of the wildly acclaimed blockbuster hit, Brokeback Mountain. I readily agreed because there is nothing more that I want to see than a couple of dudes love up on each other up in the mountains. Here we go with the review.

If you are a gay man and are looking forward to the steamy man-sex, you are going to be disappointed. If you are a woman that wants to see a love story, you are up the creek as well. And even if you are a cinema buff and want to see some great directing, I would recommend Underworld Evolution before Brokeback. (yea, I saw UE and it sucked too)

All in all, there was nothing to attract anyone to this movie other than the hype. Below I have broken this down into bullet points for simplicity.

1. The movie was boring as Hell. It drug on for about two and a half hours.

2. The dialogue was idiotic. Jack Swift: “Enis, I am tired of beans.” Enis: “Yea, Jack, I’m tired of beans, too.”

3. Where in the Hell did they get all the whiskey while they were on the mountain? I’m guessing that the head sheep herder didn’t supply it, but these guys stayed drunk the entire two months that they were out there. Strange.

4. The movie started with a year captioned at the bottom to let you know WHEN the Hell it was, but all the other settings didn’t supply the time reference. I had to try to keep up with the time frame by judging how old the trucks were. Confusing, Ang. Just remember in the future that cohesion is necessary for a good story.

5. What in the Hell did Enis do to make money after working for the sheep herder? You heard about working the ranch, but you never saw the place.

6. Did I mention that it was boring as Hell?

7. The theatre was packed and the first show sold out. This was a little misleading because it was shown on the smallest screen at Tinseltown. Underworld sold more tickets, but the theatre where it played was not sold out because there were 2.5 times more seats. Go figger.

8. The majority of the crash observers were 45-60 year old women. I don’t know what to think about that, but they were ALL yawning when they emerged. Yea, there were a few man/woman couples and fewer same sex couples, but most were the women with their friends.

9. The only reason that I can establish for this movie to win any awards is because the story is supposedly about a long time love affair between two men. Having seen the movie, I can tell you that it is really not about gay men, but more about men that lie to their wives and family to stay in the closet.

10. Uber boring.

11. Nice settings in the mountains. If there was an award for backdrop, I think that Brokeback would come in fourth or fifth, quintile.

12. Enis drank Budweiser. Everyone knows that gay men drink Miller Lite.

13. The best part of the movie was that they actually played the WORST Allman Brothers song, “Sweet Melissa”.

14. Near the end, the movie completely fell apart. The plot line dissolved. Sighing was heard throughout the theatre and I think that there was a mad rush to the door at the end to keep from dying from boredom. Did I mention that the movie was boring?

15. The guy behind me brought a whole box of bubble wrap from which to eat his popcorn. Pretty annoying. Folks, if you have no movie manners and are suffering for tuberculosis, stay home and give the rest of us a break, PLEASE.

16. Near the end of the movie, there was a completely random “Flashback” scene. It was stupid, it offered nothing to the story, and it was stupid and boring.

17. If there is a cure for insomnia, this movie is it.

18. The previews were much better than the ones that we saw before Underworld.

My opinion: Wait for this one on DVD, folks. You will be glad you did. And if you don’t, stay away from the guy with the bubble wrap.

My Significant Other review: It was actually worse than “Queen of the Damned”. (Ed Note: No it's not!) And what about their names, Jack Swift and _Enis? That was just weird.