Fulfilling Friend Requests

Our good friend, Andy, asks his readers that have blogs to take this test to see if the algorithm can determine the sex of a blog author.

I always fulfill my friend's requests.

*Click it to see it FULL IN YO' FACE.*

Please take the time to comment.

I Eat Guuuud....

Bopped up to Soulshine to grab a crawfish, Italian sausage, dried tomatoes, and jerked chicken calzone. While waiting, I grabbed a Jackson Free Press to see what lunacy was looking like these days. Standard fare for the JFP. That paper is just garbage. Seriously, the Clarion Ledger is actually borderline NEWS compared to the Free Press. Why would anyone advertise in it or does Ladd just GIVE that space away? Does anyone REALLY read that shit?

My review:


Lemme condense: Donna Ladd stated plainly, "I lived in NYC, I lived in NYC, I lived in NYC, I lived in NYC, I lived in NYC." And then there was a bunch of bullshit. Yes, the writing went DOWNHILL from there.

I wish that it was possible to never eat in a single establishment that advertises in her vainglorious rag, but she obviously puts ads in there for every decent restaurant, even if they pay her or not. Holy Hell, that is depressing.

As long as "Progressive" newspapers are that bad, we NEVER have to worry about morons being anything but "Progressives."

Please take the time to comment.

Save Mr. Splashy Pants

Hell has frozen over because this statement is one that I never thought that I would ever make; I respect the fact that Greenpeace honored the winning name on their poll for some stupid whale. It is the first and only thing that they have ever done that shows any integrity. Furthermore, Greenpeace is possibly the most unfunny organization ever to be formed and the VAST majority of their backers are loony-toon fruitcakes. I mean, they tried to stop a naval destroyer from completing an exercise with the Greenpeace wooden sailboat, which ended badly for the wooden sailboat and for the Navy guys that had to spend their day pulling a bunch of hippies from the ocean when their boat sank.

If anyone actually went to the link that I provided for this little poll, then you know that every single name for this stupid whale was some kind of multi-cutural idiotic name like, Nikki-nikki-timbo-oh-so-rimbo-ooo-ma-muchi-gamma-gamma-guchi, which means "peace, love, and homosexual marriage" in Kontuka. Oddly enough, Mr. Splashy Pants was the most normal name of all the choices. There's another statement that I never thought I would make.

And now that I really put my brain to it, can anyone tell me at all exactly why we would need to save the whales anyway? Let's think like a hippie for a while. Okay, we believe in evolution over creation, because there is no G_d. That belief means that we believe in the premise of everything that is still existing on this planet evolved to its current state. The things that are no longer here, evolved into something that is still surviving. Now, just why in Hell can the whales not evolve into something that doesn't need saving? Because man is killing them and interrupting the true nature of evolution.

If we take this Greenpeace inspired evolutionary train of thought to the next level, we would find that the one thing that Greenpeace members could do to save the world is commit mass suicide, BECAUSE, man is the problem. Methinks that even they don't believe what they are preaching otherwise, they would EVOLVE themselves out of existence. Heaven's Gate, anyone?

Another thought. Whales better be damn glad that I did not follow through with my first impulse after reading MOBY DICK. I'm telling you, I had such a visceral white-hot hatred for whales upon completing that tome, that I would have literally punched a whale right in the damn gullet had I seen one. Then I would have probably hunted the rest of them to extinction.

Anyhoo, thanks Greenpeace, you made your first unbiased statement ever. I am so very sure that it will be your last.

Which brings to mind the old saw; Q: What do you name a whale? A: Anything that you want to because it's not going to come when you call it anyway.

Idiots Control the World

That search is a left-over from my comments on Yolanda Young's article in USA Today that got sent around to every single person that has e-mail. "Oh, Two Dogs, you HAVE to read this." Yeah, I read it and it ruined my day that someone could be so damn stupid. How the Hell did she grip a pencil to write this tripe with her troglodyte hands? Read the original article HERE. Click the colored "HERE" to go to the article. Hurry back and we'll pick this up as soon as you are finished. It's kinda important that you allow the brutal logic of my responses to open your damn mind for minute so you can read this next post for what it is. And know that I found out later that she misrepresented just about every bit of the data contained in the study. Noooooooo!

Ready? Here we go.

Shocker! HERE is another one of these articles that is completely off the reservation regarding race and crime. This article is from the San Francisco Chronicle regarding jailing Blacks at a higher rate for drug crimes than Whites. This article is based on data compiled by the Justice Policy Institute. Also know that the mission of the JPI is to reduce incarceration by any means. They fail to offer the ultimate solution, MAKE EVERYTHING LEGAL!

Our country has reached a tipping point, folks. Deny it at your own peril. We have finally reached the plateau of intelligent people, we are the minuscule minority*, and the morons have absolutely taken control of virtually all government positions and media outlets. The fact that our elected representatives are re-elected at an alarming rate and nothing ever changes to save ME money, lends further proof to the fact that WE are getting dumber, too.

Disclaimer: I am including Republicans and Democrats in the mix of elected officials, you friggin' Leftists. Shut up.

This study attempts to manipulate statistical data to show that there is blatant racism going on in our legal system. Remember back in the early 1990's when drug crimes were rampant and normal people wanted something done about it? Well, these are the results that you receive when you pass legislation. There is ALWAYS some fallout. You passed sentencing guidelines to FORCE judges to REQUIRE jail time for drug crimes. There is no racism here, look away folks. It is the Blacks that use and sell drugs at a higher rate than Whites, who drink and get DUI's, therefore they get arrested at a higher rate. IT'S MATH, DAMMIT! Wait, never mind, our public schools are so inept, they cannot even teach American History, much less ciphering.

Please try to wrap your head around this. We have a court, The Ninth Circuit Appeals Court, the judges which are actually paid with your tax-money, that is overturned at a rate higher than 75%. That means that every single thing that they did regarding an overturned case was a complete waste of your tax money. Yes, you attorney-types, there could be one thing that they pick up on that is of some use, but even a moron gets laid occasionally. I'm guessing from the budget numbers for Appellate Courts that I can actually find, that their budget is somewhere in the neighborhood of $380,000,000 a year. THEY WASTE 285 MILLION DOLLARS A DAMN YEAR! We could jail almost 5000 prisoners at $60,000 each, for that price.

DAMMIT!

HERE's another ridiculous article regarding incarceration that brings more stupidity into my life. This article tries to make the claim that if you jail a whole bunch of people in the neighborhood, crime MIGHT actually go up! The only way in Hell that could happen is if you jailed the law-abiding citizens because the criminal element will NEVER call the lawdogs on themselves. Please, fat people are starving? These are the people that give you the news.

All I'm saying is that our country is going to crash and burn if you continue to vote for the stupid people, coupled with the fact that the smart people are not going to run for office. Yeah, tell me all about how great your candidate is. You know that if he/she/ambiguous other had any possibility of making as much money in the private sector as they will as an elected official, they wouldn't run for office either.

So, who to vote for? Whoever says that they will spend their entire term in office trying to undo two hundred years of stupidity. Reagan was the last of a long-dead breed, peeps. If any candidate says one thing about spending money other than protecting our borders, arming our military, and enforcing our Constitution, DO NOT vote for them.




*You must have some semblance of intelligence to read this blog. Not much, but enough to keep from hurting yourself with a bow and arrow. I can only come up with tripping and falling on said bow and arrow, so that doesn't count. I mean like actually shooting yourself with them.

Vote Me Up A Whale Name - Only Part Ever

Today has been pretty productive AND I got to sneak in a thirty minute nap later on this afternoon. It was awesome. I have carried on a debate with another blog FRIEND throughout the day and was overjoyed when I found an election on the Greenpeace website that we can probably agree on.

Since I am Tongan, we usually just call whales, "food" which means "food," but you Americans, y'all are weird about naming animals and stuff. Go HERE, vote and guess what my vote was.

(Hat-Tip: Kissing Suzy Kolber)

UPDATE: Somewhere, in the world, REAL SOON, there's going to be whale named "Mr. Splashy Pants."




Note: I have no idea what in the Hell a Tongan is or where they are from, it was just the first whale recipe site that I found and it just doesn't interest me enough to find out anything about them. But damn, I want to eat some whale now. Those whale steaks looked great.

This is Damn Funny

The links at the bottom of the linked post continue the hilarity. You! Go HERE right now and laugh yourself silly.

Captions for the photo:

Dr. Thorpe: And, god, as if it weren't hard enough to keep from licking babies to begin with.

Zack: The only safe baby costume is just a bigger baby. So you remember that it's a baby, but maybe you're also a little afraid of it. Like when grandpa used to hug you a little too long.

(Hat-Tip: Tom)

A Two Dogs Public Service Announcement

After going outside to drag my tongue through dirt under a tree where no grass grows, I came back to post this Public Service Announcement. Please let me get the feeling back in my mouth soon. On second thought, let the ol' sense of taste stay muted for a while, it needs a rest after that shock.

For the LOVE OF G-D, MAN! These are vile! Why in the mortal Hell would Mr. Ruffle do this to me? Whatever in Hell I did to him, he has gotten me back tenfold. And I shall never, ever purchase any Ruffles ever again. The flavor of these "crisps" simply scares me. I posted the ingredients and the nutritional information to allow you some knowledge into what tastes bad. Anything that contains one (1) of these ingredients should be avoided at all costs to ensure that you never experience what I did. Boy, I took one for the team and y'all owe me. Damn, the whole world owes me.

These are BAKED! and according to the package, loudly baked. They are supposed to be less bad for you, I guess. Obviously at the expense of flavor.

And not only that, they have absolutely NO nutritional value at all. Why, oh why, would anyone choose to eat anything that tastes like it belongs in a 1978 JC Penny leisure suit section? Seriously folks, these are made from rayon, that is the only thing that could produce the distinctive taste of these.

All I can say in closing is that if this is the direction that healthy snacks are heading, let me simply go get a can of potted meat and some saltines. Slogan of the new Two Dogs snack stolen from The Sneeze: "Made for, by, and with assholes."

Gorillas are Cool, You Know

I was actually listening to Phil Collins when I stumbled upon this, not In The Air Tonight, mind you, but I Wish It Would Rain Down with Eric Clapton on the intro and the solo. This video shamelessly and blatantly stolen from The Squib. Thanks, Mark, you made my damn day, well except for talking to Bean on the phone and getting pictures from her, and thinking about being with her, well, you get the point. Thanks.

Is this better than the little boys, chicken and egg commercial? Why yes, yes it is. Thanks Easter bunny! Bock, bock.

And with a twist of irony, the remix is better than the original to me. Enjoy.



One more.



And here's the tune to which I was listening. Eight full minutes.

How Much Are You Worth, DEAD?

I was thinking of selling my body to science since I just k-n-e-w that I could get like a million bucks for it up front. So many doctors have wanted to study my physique, but I ain't falling for that, y'all. Judging from this cadaver calculator, I think that I'll just skip the old selling of the future dead flesh, I couldn't even buy Bean a nice hat for that kinda money. Click the image to find out how much your lifeless lump of flesh is worth.

$4225.00The Cadaver Calculator - Find out how much your body is worth.

The Coolest Site in the World!

B-O-R-I-N-G!

Since I really, really don't like basketball and Phil Jackson got in trouble for saying something about Brokeback Mountain, I thought that I would post this. It's funny, but hide the kids for a minute. You know that you have a crate or Pet-Porter you can put them in, you KNOW you do.




Blatantly stolen from Everyday Should Be Saturday.

'Cause I Am AWESOME!

Well, I used to look at my stats because I done got the big head, but now I rarely look because I simply don't care. This morning I noticed some weird things going on with the traffic and checked the stats. Lo and behold, I am back in the top 1000 of blogs on the ecosystem, 682 to be exact. Out of 29,000,000. WTF?

Who cares? Well, it is a good barometer on exactly what folks are doing in this country. When they are reading this here little blog, it means that the intelligence level of the average citizen is trolling the depths of stupidity, but I digress.

My Intellectual Property

If you find something on this site that you like and would like to crib it and place it somewhere else, please feel free to do so. I need someone else to take some of the heat from my kitchen. And it swells my damn gianormous head no end, like I need that anymore than usual, huh, Bean?

That said, rwdflynavy, please e-mail me, I like your posts on your forum, and I somehow think that we are kindred spirits or that I simply must know you. Coupled with the fact that I cannot join the forum because it will not allow a g-mail address.

Tommy Z

Hello All, Two Dogs is on hiatus and I am keeping his blog going (even though he decided to hate on the brown people, we always come through!:) In the spirit of the great "Sip"-Mississippi for the older guys and gals (us young folks are deciding to keep with the Southern mantra of leaving out words and giving up on saying a whole word, opting to shorten it for the sake of cramming more useless words into a sentence)- here's a short clip of a great band that recently played here. This band is named Tommy Z and they are out of New York...but they got their soul from the South- of course it didn't take Captain Obvious to know that the only real talent is talent brewed in the South. (And yes, I do believe the South will rise again..just without the hate on blackie theme) Can you guess the song he's singing? For more awesome tunes of this blues musician..check out his website and nab some free tunes (can't turn down a free good thing!!)

Website HERE.

More Cool Useless Crap

Stop Motion Piano And Drums - Watch more free videos

This must have taken a long time to create, but it proves that you don't have to be a musician to make music.

Monday Rant!

Man, if I hear or see one more person talk about the fact that there are two BLACK Head Coaches in the Super Bowl this year I am going to flip out. Hell, I might as well get it out of the way now.

Did it ever occur to these jabber-jawing morons that the color of the coach's skin doesn't matter? It has something to do with winning the most games throughout the year and winning again in the playoffs. Do the coaches want to be reduced to just being Black or would they like to be recognized for their damn coaching skills? If you keep this crap up, I'm going to start to believe this is another one of those give the Oscar to the Black person kinda thing. "We had to give it to Denzel and Halle, they were b*l*a*c*k." Y'all had to fix the contest because everyone knows that Black coaches are inferior to White coaches.

I absolutely hate sportscasters and their minions.

Another thing. I had the severe misfortune to be stuck in front of a television this morning and was subjected to The Early Show on one of the alphabet channels. I have never seen such horendous crap ever in my entire damn life. It was like a trainwreck and I couldn't look away. Then came Rachel Ray. I would rather have my head pierced with a meat hook than have to ever listen to her blackbird-hitting-a-windowpane voice ever again.

I absolutely hate whoever came up the idea for these two programs.

*spoken in a whisper, you know.

Christmas Gift Ideas for Your Lady - NSFW!

This is absolutely the greatest gift idea ever in the history of the world. Sorry Ma, it's dirty.

(Hat-Tip: Dave)

Silly Farner Thursday!

While perusing some photos for one of our projects, I tapped into the Mother Lode of pictures of the kid from Brazil looking silly. I think that I have enough for a once a week feature called Silly Farner Thursday. What do you think?

Click the photo to get a big 'un!

Buy Two Dogs Some Chrimma!

For all you wannabe rappers out there, "I DROP BOMBS ON THE DECKS!"


How about for the people that want to get beat-up? "MY OTHER RIDE IS YOUR MOTHER"


And my personal favorite. Yea, I'd wear it.

For all of your Christmas shopping, go HERE now.

And the Bigotry Continues.....

Okay HERE's some fags......

Bet they play in the Big Twelve......

THIS is damn cool!

Kuh-Leese Blows!

I honestly have had the most unfortunate experience of my life this morning. I actually heard the "song" from Kelis called "Bossy." I would rather have someone run a block plane up my shinbone than have to actually hear another one of those hits.

Anyhoo, since this song is so damn popular with the crowd that has absolutely no musical sense (which is obviously a huge number of dillweeds) I thought that I would sit down and get to know the folks that put together this crap.

The first interview that I held was with the genius behind the lyrical content. I caught up with him while he was flying to the MTV Europe Awards with Kanye. Needless to say, that went poorly. As far as I can tell, all he could actually say was, "Diamonds on my neck, di-diamonds on my grill." Wonder where that shit came from?






The next talent that I could get in touch with was the dude in charge of the "music." I actually walked in while he was laying down the last track of his next smash hit. I am afraid that I will never be the same. And the facial tics are damn irritating.













And now, I leave you with the lyrics. Please stop buying this crap. Please.

Aye Yo... You don't have to love me..... you don't even have to like me...... but you will respect me........

you know why cause Im a boss

Uh uh... watch the beat go...
Uh uh... watch the beat go...
Uh uh... watch the beat go...
Uh uh... watch that beat go...

[Kelis]
I'm bossy
I'm the first girl to scream on a track
I switched up the beat of the drum
That's right i brought all the boys to the yard
And that's right, i'm the one that's tattooed on his arm
I'm bossy
I'm the b!tch y'all love to hate
I'm the chick that's raised the stakes
I told young stunna he should switch debate
I'm back with an 808 cause i'm bossy

Ooh lemme slow it down so ya can catch the flow
Screw it up make it go extra slow
Real girls get down on the flo
(on the flo get down, on the flo)
Ooh i gave you a taste you want some more
Touch down lemme do it up like a pro
I ride the beat like a bicycle, I'm icy cold
Ooh from the 6-4 hoppers up in crenshaw
The money makin playas up in harlem
Don't want no problems
We gon keep it pumpin while the 808 is jumpin

Diamonds on my neck, di-diamonds on my grill
Diamonds on my neck, di-diamonds on my grill

I'm bossy
I'm the first girl to scream on a track
I switched up the beat of the drum
That's right i brought all the boys to the yard
And that's right, i'm the one that's tattooed on his arm
I'm bossy
I'm the b!tch y'all love to hate
I'm the chick that's raised the stakes
I told john sterling he should switch to BAPE
I'm back with an 808 cause i'm bossy

Ooh (i bet i bet i bet) i bet cha neva heard it like this before
My baby be closin'them phantom doors
Got the bar poppin this that you can't afford (can't afford)
Ooh i'm drinkin blastin the crowds it's all smokin
All the while i'm all open
Me and my girls we stay fly and we love to stay high
Ooh from the 6-4 hoppers up in crenshaw
To the money makin playas up in harlem
Don't want no problems
We gon keep it pumpin while the 808 is jumpin

Diamonds on my neck, di-diamonds on my grill
Diamonds on my neck, di-diamonds on my grill

I'm bossy
I'm the first girl to scream on a track
I switched up the beat of the drum
That's right i brought all the boys to the yard
And that's right i'm the one that's tattooed on his arm
I'm bossy
I'm the b!tch ya'll love to hate
I'm the chick that's raised the stakes
I told young stunna he should switch to BAPE
I'm back with an 808 cause i'm bossy

[Too $hort]
It's bout time that she get with me
Can't stop starin, she's fine and she's pretty
Damn girl, don't hurt em
don't bite back, you gon work em
Put your mack down, i know your background
Whatchu want girl, you gettin mad now
That's how you do it, huh?
Well i'm the coolest one
In fact, bitches in the back bring em to the front, bitch!
Tell that man you's a boss bitch
Make some noise, raise your hand if you's a boss bitch
I don't think he understand you's a boss bitch
Get some help if you can cause he lost it
Ain't no refunds, she spent the cash mayne
In your benz with her friends in the fast lane
Flossin, you say "how much it cost me?"
About a million dollars playa, she's bossy

[Kelis]
I'm bossy
I'm the first girl to scream on a track
I switched up the beat of the drum
That's right i brought all the boys to the yard
And that's right i'm the one that's tattooed on his arm
I'm bossy
I'm the b!tch y'all love to hate
I'm the chick that's raised the stakes
I told john sterling he should switch to BAPE
I'm back with an 808 cause i'm bossy

Uh uh... watch the beat go...
Uh uh... watch the beat go...
Uh uh... watch the beat go...
Uh uh... watch the beat go...
Uh uh... watch the beat go...
Uh uh... watch the beat go...
Uh uh... watch the beat go...
Uh uh... watch the beat go...
Uh uh...