Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Save Mr. Splashy Pants

Hell has frozen over because this statement is one that I never thought that I would ever make; I respect the fact that Greenpeace honored the winning name on their poll for some stupid whale. It is the first and only thing that they have ever done that shows any integrity. Furthermore, Greenpeace is possibly the most unfunny organization ever to be formed and the VAST majority of their backers are loony-toon fruitcakes. I mean, they tried to stop a naval destroyer from completing an exercise with the Greenpeace wooden sailboat, which ended badly for the wooden sailboat and for the Navy guys that had to spend their day pulling a bunch of hippies from the ocean when their boat sank.

If anyone actually went to the link that I provided for this little poll, then you know that every single name for this stupid whale was some kind of multi-cutural idiotic name like, Nikki-nikki-timbo-oh-so-rimbo-ooo-ma-muchi-gamma-gamma-guchi, which means "peace, love, and homosexual marriage" in Kontuka. Oddly enough, Mr. Splashy Pants was the most normal name of all the choices. There's another statement that I never thought I would make.

And now that I really put my brain to it, can anyone tell me at all exactly why we would need to save the whales anyway? Let's think like a hippie for a while. Okay, we believe in evolution over creation, because there is no G_d. That belief means that we believe in the premise of everything that is still existing on this planet evolved to its current state. The things that are no longer here, evolved into something that is still surviving. Now, just why in Hell can the whales not evolve into something that doesn't need saving? Because man is killing them and interrupting the true nature of evolution.

If we take this Greenpeace inspired evolutionary train of thought to the next level, we would find that the one thing that Greenpeace members could do to save the world is commit mass suicide, BECAUSE, man is the problem. Methinks that even they don't believe what they are preaching otherwise, they would EVOLVE themselves out of existence. Heaven's Gate, anyone?

Another thought. Whales better be damn glad that I did not follow through with my first impulse after reading MOBY DICK. I'm telling you, I had such a visceral white-hot hatred for whales upon completing that tome, that I would have literally punched a whale right in the damn gullet had I seen one. Then I would have probably hunted the rest of them to extinction.

Anyhoo, thanks Greenpeace, you made your first unbiased statement ever. I am so very sure that it will be your last.

Which brings to mind the old saw; Q: What do you name a whale? A: Anything that you want to because it's not going to come when you call it anyway.