Mississippi Presidential Primaries

Today is the primary for President in Mississippi. I voted absentee for DUNCAN HUNTER! Yeah, I know he dropped out, but I could not vote for McCain. Needless to say, no person with a brain can vote for Hillary or Barry. So brainless people, knock yourselves out.

A few weeks ago, I asked a question on Barry's info line and have since received seventy-nine e-mails from the campaign, not one of which has an answer to my question or any other policy proposals. Want to see some? Well, okay.

My very simple question: If Barry wants to pay for his healthcare program by allowing the tax cuts to expire on people making over two hundred fifty thousand dollars a year, what kind of arithmetic is being employed since those tax cuts INCREASED revenue by four percent?

From David Plouffe, the idiot that answers the info mail according to the first twenty-something messages I received. Blah, blah, blah, if you make a donation right now, you will also receive a "One of the Million" supporter t-shirt. Let your friends and family know that you support Barack Obama and are proud to be part of this movement.

My response to his drivel: Mr. Plouffe, thank you for this response, however you must have read my question wrong. I asked, if Obama is planning on paying for his universal healthcare plan by allowing to expire the tax cuts on those making over two hundred fifty thousand a year, how does he do that with less money in revenue? You see, those tax cuts increased revenue to the Fed, the way that they always do. How can Obama spend more money when his very policies reduce revenue? That is what I would like answered, please.

His response to my repeated question: Yadda, yadda, yadda, Early this morning, we reached one million people owning a piece of this campaign. Think about that for a minute. One million people like you own a stake in a grassroots movement that is not just competing, but thriving, in a political process that's been dominated by special interests for far too long. You have given your time, energy, and passion to bring about change. And it's working.

I thought about that for a minute and came to the conclusion that if there are only one million people contributing to his campaign, that means that 164,000,000 Democrats kinda think that he sucks and then I responded: This information is all well and good, but I asked a very specific question about financing of the healthcare plan. I would like to know if Obama allows the tax cuts to expire for those making over 250,000 dollars a year, a tax cut that INCREASED Federal revenues, how does he plan to pay for healthcare with less money? This is a very simple question, is there an answer?

He hits me back: Hundreds of thousands of new supporters have joined our movement for change in the past few weeks, and we want to make sure everyone knows about all the opportunities to get involved in your community and online. Check out the resources below -- learn how you can connect with fellow supporters, organize in your neighborhood, build our national grassroots organization, and stay in touch with the very latest campaign news. Explore these resources yourself and forward this message to anyone you know who wants to get involved.

I step up yet again: I certainly appreciate Senator Obama continuing to send these messages out, however I asked a very direct question and not once have I received a response related to my question. I will ask one more time and then I will report on the fact that I cannot receive any straight answers from Senator Obama. This is the info e-mail address from the website and I have never received an answer to my question, but the campaign has sent me numerous e-mails now requesting my support, vote, and money. To me, this is beginning to qualify as spam.

My question: If Obama plans on paying for his healthcare plan by allowing the tax cuts to expire on people making 250,000 dollars a year or greater, since those tax cuts actually raised the amount of revenue coming into the Federal government, how will he increase spending while diminishing the revenue? This is mathmatically impossible. Please explain.

Again they respond, this time from Mississippi Barry HQ: Yesterday, supporters all across the country responded to Barack's request by making more than 300,000 calls into crucial March 4th primary states. We reached our goal of one million calls much faster than expected, so we're setting a new goal: 1,500,000 calls to voters by Tuesday. Use our online phonebanking tool and start making calls right now:

My turn: I asked a question on the info link on Senator Obama's website three weeks ago. Since that time, I have received thirty-seven e-mails from the campaign requesting donations and help on the campaign, but never once have I received a reply to my question. If Senator Obama so deperately wants my vote, why will the campaign not respond to my question? Maybe the Mississippi Obama campaign group will.

I asked this: Since Senator Obama has decided to pay for his universal healthcare plan by allowing the tax cuts to expire on people earning 250,000 dollars or more a year, how is this possible? The tax cuts on this very segment of our population increased revenues to the Federal government. This is proven by the increased receipts into the IRS. If he makes a policy change that reduces the amount of revenue, how can he increase the expenditures without making cuts somewhere else? That does not make sense. What programs are going to be cut because of this reduction in revenue and by how much?

Mississippi Barry HQ responds, from Aaron Gardner: The race for the Democratic nomination has come to Mississippi. In less than one week, Mississippi voters will be making their voices heard in the Democratic primary on Tuesday, March 11th. The work we do -- or don't do -- between now and Primary Day will make the difference for Barack. So join your fellow supporters as we canvass communities across the state -- going door-to-door and reaching out to Mississippi voters face-to-face. Canvasses are happening every day from Saturday through Tuesday. Sign up now to join a canvass near you.

My final reply, I have given up getting one simple answer from Barry's campaign: Aaron,
I will NOT be voting for Barry Obama in any election. I have e-mailed this campaign thirty-two times to try to get ONE answer to ONE question. I have received, to date, 48 e-mails in less than three weeks from the Obama campaign begging for money and time, but not once has anyone replied to my simple request for information. Obama and his staff are unresponsive to the voters and I will do everything in my power to ensure that Obama never wins another election as long as he lives, simply because he only cares about adding more idiots to the government dole, more idiots like you, Aaron. Aaron, there should be some kind of inkling in your head that you, Aaron Gardner are the dumbest human being to ever walk the face of the Earth because you are so stupid as to back an admitted fascist. Barry Obama is quite possibly the worse candidate, at the worst time, with the worst record. I honestly hope that Barry and his entire staff has a car wreck this afternoon. I really HOPE that. I have given this idiotic campaign the chance to CHANGE from stupid, moronic platitudes and still you refuse. Aaron, go drink some bleach and help the whole world out.

This morning I received my reply, from Michelle, no less: This campaign has always been about more than just an election.
When Barack and I first talked about doing this, we agreed that there was a unique opportunity for change in this country -- a real chance to move beyond the divisive politics of the past and bring people together around our shared hopes for a better future for all Americans.
Today, America is watching Mississippi.
All across the country, people are following the results of today's primary and waiting to see if Mississippi is ready for real change.
Send a message that you're ready for a new kind of leadership and a new kind of politics. Vote for change today, and make sure your friends and family get out and vote as well.
The polls are open from 7:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m., and you can use our online tool to find your polling location: LINK to campaign website.
We've come a long way since last February. And today, the goal of real change is within reach.
But there's still a lot of work to do -- and today, we need you to go to the polls and make your voice heard.
Take a moment and watch this video of a Mississippi supporter talking about the importance of getting out to vote today. Share it with your friends and family and encourage them to join you in voting for change: LINK to Pay-Pal donations site.
Thanks for everything you've done,
Michelle
P.S. -- Here are a few details and rules that should make your day go smoothly:
Polls are open 7:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m. If you are in line at 7:00 p.m., you must be allowed to vote.
All registered voters can vote in the Democratic Primary, even Republicans and Independents.
If you believe you were left off the voter list or otherwise prevented from regular voting by error, you must be allowed to cast a provisional ballot.
No identification is required at the polling place unless you are a first-time voter. If you are a first-time voter in Mississippi who registered by mail and did not provide identification at that time, you should bring a valid photo ID, current utility bill, bank statement, paycheck, government check, or other government document that shows your name and address.
If you have any problems or questions, call our voter hotline at 1-866-675-2008 and press 4. And then a LINK to a legalese thing about whining about being disenfrachised.

My response to Michelle: Ms. Obama, I searched my absentee ballot for the box marked "change." It was not there, but your dumbass husband's name was. I made certain to stay as far away from that box as possible, I do not want your fascist lawyers to try to make some case for your idiot husband getting my vote, where is your integrity, have you no shame? You words are the single most devisive statements that I have ever heard and you should immediately leave this country. This country has offered you everything that you have been given, you deserve none of it. I hope that you know that there are no intelligent people voting for your husband, so if you pull that lever for Barry, you are an idiot. Go to Cuba to be with your comrades, dumbass.

I'll let you know what she replies, because you know that she will.

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

When this blog first started, I used to receive "Get Rich Quick" schemes all the time. I made a point to respond to each and every one hoping to get a response from the scammers. Posted below is an ongoing conversation with one such person. I hope that you find this educational because we are only trying to save lives here.

The First Letter

FROM MELISSA

Dear, (What, do I have no name at all?)

ASSISTANCE TO RELOCATE & INVEST IN YOUR COUNTRY.

I just read your profile from the site, and I am moved with genuine love to contact you. I will like to get to know you better for a serious relationship.
I am Miss Melissa Amani the only child of late Dr.Francis Amani. My father was assassinated by rebel forces here in Ivory Coast few months ago.

As the only child of my father, before his death he informed me of the sum of Ten million dollars only ($10m), which he deposited in a bank here with my name as next of kin.
There is a gruesome war currently raging in the country, that is why I require your assistance urgently to transfer this funds and relocate to join you for investment.
Please reply through my private email for more detailed discussion: melmani05@yahoo.fr, or call me on the tel. number above.

With every good wish.

Melissa
EMAIL:melmani05@yahoo.fr

My Response

Damn, Melissa, you sound hot. Send me a picture and maybe we can hook up. Holla at your boy.

Two Dogs

She hits me Back

Dear Two Dogs,

Thanks for your mail.

I will be glad to send you my picture.

Kindly oblige me with your telephone numbers for easy communication and more detailed discussion.

With every good wish.

Meli

I'm ON!

Well, come on sweet thing, send those photos on. I think that I'm falling in love with you.

Two Dogs

She Thinks I'm Hot, Too!

Two dogs,

You have a funny name.

Whats your real name though?

I promised to send you my pictures, I surely will, I do not go back on my words.

Kindly send me your telephone numbers, we need to talk.

Yours,

Meli

I'm Getting Frustrated

Thanks for the compliment on my name, Meli. Please send me some pictures, because I don't date ugly chicks. I am really looking forward to some pictures.

Two Dogs

Methinks She Wants Some Hot Phone Sex!

I want to see how handsome you are.

Send me yours first. With your telephone number.

Meli

I'm All For That!

My darling Meli, please find my picture attached. Send me one of you, you're driving me crazy.

Two Dogs

She Sees That I Am DAMN Hot!

Darling,

I have received your pic, and I have also attached mine for you.

You are indeed a very handsome man, and I will like us to meet soon with my inheritance successfully transferred through your bank account.

Kindly send me your telephone number, so that we can talk more.

Yours,

Meli.

She's Hot Too!

Meli,
Dammit, you look some kinda fine in that photo. Do you have any more? I personally like blue. How about a swim suit picture so I can see more of you? I am so looking forward to it.

Two Dogs

Just Like All Women

YOU TALK STUPID, I DON't LIKE STUPID TALKS.

I Try To Defuse The Situation

Meli,
What did I say? I actually gave you a compliment. I think that you are very pretty and asked for more pictures, how can that be stupid? I am sorry that I like attractive women, but I refuse to change that. Send more pictures, please....

Two Dogs

She Ain't Biting

Two Dogs, or three,

I told you, you can go eat your lemon.

I Try To Save Face

My darling, I know not what made you get mad. All I know is that you contacted me from a dating site and now you want to drop me. Please, let me know what I did to upset you. Oh, and send more pictures.

Two Dogs

I'll keep y'all posted of further developments with me and my betrothed. I'm so in love.

Blacks and Their Bad Spending Habits

This Google search sends more people to my site than any other. Again, I must say that anyone that continually posts the USA Today article without pulling out a calculator is a dripping wetbrain. Please do a little research before you pass on the stupidity contained in this article.

I know, I know, it makes more sense to simply press "Forward" than to actually think about what is contained in the article, but rest assured, USA Today is a rag. It is NOT legitimate news.

Here we go AGAIN: From my August 20, 2005 post entitled What Black Folks Think of Black Folks

The Article: (with commentary)

USA Today article on Black Spending Habits:

These are tough economic times (Despite all the evidence to the contrary), especially for African-Americans, whom the unemployment rate is more than 10%.(Actually 8.7%, but who's counting?) Alarmingly, rather than belt-tightening, the response has been to spend more. In many poor neighborhoods, one is likely to notice satellite dishes and expensive new cars. (Did it ever occur to these people that maybe some folks CHOOSE to live in cheaper neighborhoods and drive nicer cars?)

According to Target Market, a company that tracks black consumer spending, blacks spends a significant amount of their income on depreciable products. (As does every other race in the world)

In 2002, the year the economy nose-dived (This said even though the FACTS show exactly the opposite. The economy turned down in 1997, and has been making a recovery since 2001); we spent $22.9 billion ($22,900,000,000.00) on clothes, $3.2 billion ($3,200,000,000.00) on electronics and $11.6 billion ($11,600,000,000.00) on furniture to put into homes that, in many cases, were rented. (A stupid point, but one I will dissect. There are approximately 39.4 million Black people in this country. This is from the 2000 Census. This clothing figure breaks down to $581.00 dollars for each of the 39.4 million people. This does not seem odd to me. Clothes SHOULD always be worn when you are in public. $81 for each on electronics. It seems somewhat low, but they are the figures cited. And a whopping $279 for furniture. The numbers look really daunting out of context, which they are in the article, but here are the totals. Cited figures only amount to $941 per year for each Black person. It just doesn't seem scary now, does it?)

Among our favorite purchases are cars and liquor. Blacks make up only 12% of the U.S. population, yet account for 30% of the country's Scotch consumption. (Whites account for almost 100% of Britney Spears album sales) Detroit, which is 80% black, is the world's No.1 market for Cognac. (What in the Hell is the point here? I'm guessing that Detroit is also the Number One market for Pistons jerseys, too. Nashville is probably the Number One market for banjos and somewhere that has alot of Polka dancers probably invests in a lot of accordians, which is worse? I guess this would bother me if Detroit was the Number One market for child pornography, but oddly enough that is San Francisco which has relatively few minority folks.)

So impressed was Lincoln with the $46.7 billion ($46,700,000,000) ($1168 per person) that blacks spent on cars that the automaker commissioned Sean "P. Diddy" Combs, the entertainment and fashion mogul, to design a limited-edition Navigator replete with six plasma screens, three DVD players and a Sony PlayStation 2. (And you know that Puffy's was the leading selling Navigator of all time, right? Well not exactly. They have not been released and there will only be 100 made. Plus they will sell for $85,000 and Puffy has financed the deal) The only area where blacks seem to be cutting back on spending is books (The same as everyone else. It means that people are finding their information in other venues like Project Gutenberg); total purchases have gone from a high of $356 million in 2000 to $303 million in 2002. This shortsighted behavior, motivated by a desire for instant gratification and social acceptance, comes at the expense of our future. (Hey, might as well just say, "Yo' Mama!" This is about Blacks telling Blacks that they are immature and insecure. Try that at my family reunion and you might get cut)

The National Urban League's "State of Black America 2004" report found that fewer than 50% of black families owned their homes compared with more than 70% of whites. (This is not alarming either. History has shown that the Black population in this country is more migrant than the White population. Why buy a house if you are going to move? I would like to see these stats broken down into age, then there could be a comparison of something that was worthwhile.)

According to published reports, the Ariel Mutual Funds/Charles Schwab 2003 Black Investor Survey found that when comparing households where blacks and whites had roughly the same household incomes, whites saved nearly 20% more each month for retirement, and 30% of African-Americans earning $100,000 a year had less than $5,000 in retirement savings. (These figures ignore the size of the household, and provide no background for the study. I can't find anything regarding the study either. The base figure for people that invest in retirement income IS actually 68%, so that 70% figure is HIGHER than the norm.)

While 79% of whites invest in the stock market, only 61% of African-Americans do. Certainly, higher rates of unemployment, income disparity and credit discrimination are financial impediments to the economic vitality of blacks, but so are our consumer tastes. (Opinion passed off as fact is still not fact and the stock market is more volatile than the bond market, so who's the impulsive race now?)

By finding the courage to change our spending habits, we might be surprised at how far the $631 billion (631,000,000,000.00) we now earn might take us. (This is part of the mob mentality thing that captivates the Left. That money is most definitely NOT in a pool somewhere for all to sup. Vote Democrat because they are more in tune with the needs of the Black race!)

We all send thousands of jokes through e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages regarding life-affirming choices, people think twice about sharing. So please pass this on. (Because we all send thousands of jokes through e-mail. Don't fall for this propaganda, folks. Use your brain to discredit the liars and thieves that want your money)

This public service announcement has been brought to you by Your One-Stop Shop for Information. Don't thank me, it is just my job.

Mercy, Mercy, Me - The Kerry Stalker Part IV

This is just incredible. (Click the picture for the larger screenshot.) This shot was just too asinine to pass up. I bet y'all thought that I was kidding.

My Response

To The Head Moron in Charge,

This is the fourth time that I have unsubscribed from your spam list. It has become obvious that your organization is using a spam-bot to find addresses to mail this unsolicited pandering for dollars. I get less spam-mail from the Viagra people.

Please try to get me off your spam list AND you might want to skip sending this Hurricane e-mail to other people from Mississippi, Alabama, Louisiana, and other states that were affected by the hurricane. At least TRY to have some sense of right and wrong while you are trying to get people to vote for this man that hates our country.

I know that the vast majority of the people working at your organization are complete morons, there is no other reason that you would work for an organization that supports a treasonous, lying, Democrat hack, but at least crank up the old gray matter before hitting send on your spam-bot.

While, I do agree that obviously 48% of the country shares your organization's hatred of this country, you might want to restrict your spamming to the areas of the country where your candidate received a percentage of the vote. We adults in the areas that know beyond a shadow of a doubt what your party stands for DO NOT appreciate it at all when you interrupt our lives with this sophomoric drivel.

By the way, donations of my time and money have been towards my neighbors. I have spent the majority of the afternoon running a chainsaw to try to remove debris from my neighborhood. Trust me, sending money to groups that your organization pimps for falls low on my list. Does the Red Cross know that John F'ing Kerry is pimping for dollars on his website? Well obviously, because when I clicked the link in the e-mail, there was a little redirect that included Kerry's name. Can't have that pimping go unnoticed, huh?

You people should hit your knees tonight and pray to whatever y'all pray to for forgiveness for your overwhelming stupidity. While I am not sure if what your organization is doing falls in the category of being illegal, it sure is tasteless and stupid.

UPDATE: A commenter brought up the point that the Red Cross is a good charity. There is only one problem with that comment, the AMERICAN Red Cross (www.RedCross.org)is a good charity, the INTERNATIONAL Red Cross (www.icrc.org/)is something completely different. Ironically, Kerry's spam-mail links the International Red Cross. Couldn't expect otherwise.

Here We Go Again - The Kerry Stalker Part III

It seems that my best friend John F. Kerry simply cannot take the hint and stop e-mailing me. I think that someone must be signing me up for the e-mail list every week. This will be my third response to Kerry and my third time to unsubscribe. Geez, this people are thick in the head.

And Joe-6-Pack has a little article about other things that you WILL NOT HEAR from the Leftist Press.

Here we go:


Dear Two, (I'm sure that you have plenty of folks in your e-mail list named "Moonbeam", "Chronica", and "Abdulla", but "Two"? Are y'all complete morons? Yes, that goes without saying.)

President Bush has a major opportunity today. He's leaving Crawford to speak to the Veterans of Foreign Wars' convention in Utah. When he does, he needs to leave behind the pep talks, the open-ended "things are looking better" claims and the empty rhetoric. (He should simply say, "The Democrats hate this country and wish that all of you veterans had died in losing wars.")

It's time for the President to stand and deliver. (You damn skippy!)

That's why I am asking you to support an "America Demands Answers" petition to President Bush. Starting with today's VFW speech, we're going to keep the pressure on George W. Bush until he finally addresses questions that have gone unanswered for far too long. (Like "Where is the information from your Form 180, you miserable excuse for a Lurch wannabe.")

http://www.johnkerry.com/petition/answers.php (Kerry and the Democrats need money!)

Every American deserves straight answers from the President -- and no one deserves them more than America's veterans and our military families. (Here's an answer for you, Herman, there is a thing called "treason" in this country. And your picture is right next to it in the dictionary.)

When will the President get it right in Iraq? (Most Americans fail to see where he got it wrong. Lying about your topic doesn't help your case. Stop this nonsense and just focus on getting felons the right to vote.)

When will he deliver to the nation and those sacrificing so much in Iraq a concrete plan for peace and victory? (He already did. The plan is to kill the people that want everyone else dead or have you not heard that?)

Why, at this late date, is the Pentagon still struggling to get the right supplies and body armor to America's troops? (It could be because of some Senators that voted AGAINST supplying our armed forces every time a spending bill came up.)

When will the President support a military large enough to face the challenges of today's world? (Will you support a military at all or were those votes in the Senate just your sick sense of humor?)

And when will the President stop short-changing America's veterans? When will he stop closing hospitals, cutting benefits, and making veterans wait weeks for a doctor's appointment? (Okay, you can have another Purple Heart and another honorable discharge if you will just get another papercut or something.)

Tell the President, it's time for answers. I am a veteran who is deeply concerned about the administration's lack of clarity on Iraq and lack of compassion on veterans' benefits. Join me in signing the "America Demands Answers" petition. (Wait, you're a veteran? Why have I not heard this like eleventy billion times from your mouth? And the funny thing is that your entire chain of command says that you SUCKED as a soldier. You are a coward and a liar. And furthermore, I'm guessing there will be a lot of "X's" on that petition. The only folks that are on your side of the issue cannot read or write.)

http://www.johnkerry.com/petition/answers.php (Me love you long time!)

Our goal is to announce that thousands of people from all 50 states have signed the petition before the President delivers his VFW address later today. You can help us get there. (Wow, there are actually people in states other than California that hate our country too?)

For what the President and his Republican allies are wasting on pork barrel spending and tax giveaways, we can honor America's promise to our veterans. But, earlier this year, the Department of Veterans Affairs admitted that they were more than $1 billion short of meeting veterans' health care needs this year. Time after time, the President has opposed adequate funding for VA health care. (Yea, and the President is the one that passes spending bills. Oh, wait, no that's the Congress.)

A President who leads a nation into war shouldn't have to be pulled kicking and screaming into keeping America's promise to our veterans and to their families. (George Bush was flying the planes on September 11, 2001? John, you should have come forward with that information earlier. I am sure that Jamie Gorelick would have believed you. Remember her? She's the one in the Clinton administration that penned the memo that made September 11 possible. All from your friends in the Democrat Party.)

With critical votes on the President's budget and the Defense Authorization bill scheduled for September -- and critical deadlines fast approaching in Iraq -- it's time for President Bush to speak to the American people with clarity and conviction. It's time for a plan. (I think that the plan is to continue to show the American people that Democrats want Islamic terrorists to kill all Christians and then peace will finally be within our grasp.)

There's no better time to deliver it than now. And no better place to deliver it than before an audience of those who have served and sacrificed for this great nation. (While I have such an audience, I shall state my case. You are the lowest form of human debris living, besides Cindy Sheehan. You spat on our sevicemen and women, lied to Congress about your own actions, left your own constituents without representation while you pimped for the Presidency, abandoned your family when you found another woman with more money, and continue to attempt to tarnish the reputation of someone that bested you in a National election because you are a sore loser.)

So, please, sign our "America Demands Answers" petition now. And forward this message immediately to others you know who care deeply about the need for President Bush to act. (I will sign up on the day that you provide tha answers that you PROMISED while pimping for the Presidency. You have no crebility with anyone other than your party hacks. And if you continue to e-mail me, I will be forced to resort to tactics that are not nice. Please do not send me anymore of this crap, no one buys it and it is a waste of my time.)

Sincerely,

John Kerry

I'll keep y'all posted of further developments. And if you are the person that keeps signing me up for this, I will find you and make you pay.

UPDATE: Go HERE and check Number Three!

Rolling in the Dust

Those that have read my blog in the past will know that I have a thing about answering "Get Rich Quick" letters and today is no exception. Something is amiss with this one because it rings a bell with a past LETTER. I think that these people MIGHT be fudging the truth a tad, but it's always best to believe that people are basically good. Maybe I'm wrong, let's see.

The Letter:

Dear Mr. Dogs,

Mr Sani And Sister Need You Help.

I Hope This Mail Meets You In Good Health And Spirit, I Am, Sani Mohamed, A Sierra Leonia. Presently, I Live As A Refugee In republic of Senegal Dakar , With My Younger Sister,Mariam.

I Am A Victim Of War And The Son Of Late Chief Dr.Us man .Mohamed The Assassinated Former Assistant Director Of Sierra Leone Gold And Diamond Mining Corporation.

My Father Was Killed With Other Government Officials During Official Hours When The Rebel Troops Stormed And Raided The Mining Corporation Office At The Heat Of The Crisis In My Country.

A Few Weeks Later, The Rebels Also Invaded Our Residential Building In Which My Mother And Two Of Our Security Men Were Killed In The Compound While I Was Out For A Special Research Program And My Younger Sister Was In School.

I Had A Singular Shock And Trauma, Which Compelled Us To Flee From The Country To republic of Senegal Dakar By The Help Of An Army Colonel, Who Is A Close Friend Of My Late Father, I Have First Degree In Marketing And Would Have Further My Education If Not For The Death Of My Parents.

I Have Never Worked To Earn My Living Since My Late Parents Had Enough Wealth For Us.

I Am Contacting You Now Because Of The Present Difficulty I Am Facing. Unfortunately My Father's Two Accounts In West Africa Have Recently Been Frozen.

However This Did Not Affect The Twenty Million And Six Hundred Thousand Dollars (Us$20,600,000), Which He Kept In a security company in Senegal Dakar.

For Now, I Am Having Every Information And Document Needed For The Clearance Of The Money In The security company Here In Senegal Dakar And I Want You To Act As The Beneficiary Of The Fund For Easy And Smooth Transfer To Your Account Abroad For Investment Purposes.

You Will No Doubt Be Adequately Compensated With As Well As A Percentage Of The Profit From Investment Of The Fund. Also You Will See To It That My Sister And I Come Over To Your Country At The Earliest Possible Time. I Am Making This Request To You With Tears In My Eyes And I Feel That God Almighty Will Touch You With His Spirit To Listen To My Cry For Help And Answer Me Without Delay.

Since Our Breadwinner Is No More And This Is The Only Hope For Life. You Positive Response Will Give Me The Greatest Joy And Relief.

God Bless You For Your Kind Assistance We Have Agreed To Offer You 20% Of The Total Sum. Seriously Waiting For Your Urgent Reply.

Best regard

Mr.Sani & Sister

The Two Dogs Response:

You damn annoying little Quince,

Alrighty then! Listen up Sani, I tried to type like you and it got me so damn mad that I chunked my laptop across the room. Thank goodness for all the generous folks at all the damn mining corporations around the world that have embezzled money and socked it away for their whiny kids. I luckily have seventy-four computers that I have purchased for that sole purpose.

Dammit, how in the world do you type like that? I guess that you wear out the caps lock key every month. It is so damn distracting I had to go outside and kick my neighbors kid just to finish reading your mail.

Sorry, where were we again? Ah, yes, the show. Was your dad a doctor or was his name simply "Dr. US-man"? Freaky, dude. I guess that it takes all types though.

Well enough of the chit-chat, let's get down to business. What does your sister look like? Can you send me some pictures? Just make sure that you are not in them. Just the girl, please. You see, I am currently experiencing a, shall we say, drought in the romance department. I even put up a personals ad on some website last week. Man, those people are creepy.

Sani, I know that we have never met but I feel as if I have known you my entire life. Do you have a "Dukes of Hazzard" tattoo like me? (I have attached a picture, show it to your sister) I need friends like you and I am more than willing to send you my banking information.

Hit me back on my spammer account and wipe those damn tears sissy-boy. Oh, and Sani, if you ever type another message in this same manner, I will drop everything that I am doing right now, fly to where you are, and WHIP. YOUR. ASS.

Oh, and tell Mariam that I said "Duh-huh", she'll know what you mean.

Peace out,
Two Dogs

I'll keep y'all posted on developments.

Spammalammadingdong

Someone has obviously signed me up for the John Kerry e-mail list. I am sure that John appreciates this, but I bet he didn't expect to get responses. Well, he got this one.

The Letter:
Dear Two,

This weekend the GOP is kicking off its 2006 campaign cycle at the party's annual summer meeting in Pittsburgh, with Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum playing host. What does it say about the Republican leadership that they're putting a right-wing extremist at the center of their effort to keep control of the Senate? It says that their goal isn't just to hold on to power, but to drag America away from mainstream values and the issues that matter to ordinary Americans.

I'm not up for re-election in 2006, but I - like every Democrat - must do everything in my power to fight to restore responsible leadership in the House and Senate that will act on behalf of the interests of average Americans whose voices are being drowned out in Washington today.

You bet we wanted to win last November, but it turns out that one of the things we did accomplish in 2004 was this: we built an incredibly powerful organizational force online and offline that can come together again in 2006 to win back the House and Senate.

Like it or not, that fight starts now.

With five million supporters and activists, we've formed an organization called Keeping America's Promise. Our work is to mobilize volunteers, activists, donors - and of course voters - in support of tight and winnable races.

Without you, the Senate and House will stay in the hands of outside-the-mainstream Republicans. Please support our preparations for victory in 2006 by making a donation to Keeping America's Promise today:

Make a Contribution

Consider what's at stake in just Democrat Bob Casey's race against Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum. Santorum is totally out of touch with the reality facing American families and totally out of touch with mainstream American values. And yet he has become the mainstream within the Republican Party:

Santorum believes millions of people are uninsured because, "some people don't want [insurance] - like the Amish." [Harrisburg Patriot, 6/10/97]
Santorum believes child care is a "Washington" issue that ordinary Americans don't care about. [Congressional Quarterly, 3/9/05]
He said that the environmental movement's days are numbered and that environmentalism is against nature. [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 4/24/95]
He believes in privatizing Social Security. [Congressional Record, S3231, 4/5/05]
Santorum thinks it's wrong to help single mothers earn a college degree. In his book, It Takes a Family, Santorum said that "The notion that college education is a cost-effective way to help poor, low-skill, unmarried mothers with high school diplomas or GEDs move up the economic ladder is just wrong." [It Takes a Family, pg. 138]

By the time the GOP wraps up its summer summit on Saturday afternoon, we need to have raised $500,000 to support our work to defeat extremists like Rick Santorum.

Make a Contribution

The 2006 Congressional election cycle will be a fight between two competing visions of America's future:

Democrats see an America where everyone has an opportunity to work hard and get ahead. Republicans see an America where the special interests get their way and families get the short end of the stick. Democrats see an America that is energy independent and a good steward of the environment. Republicans see an America that continues to send its hard earned paychecks to the Saudis and risks sending our sons and daughters to the battlefields of the Middle East over oil that's beyond our control, in the hands of unstable and undemocratic regimes.

Winning back the majority in the US Congress is an essential step toward realizing an American future that you and I want for our families and for our children.

And because of the power we built together in this amazing online and offline community, your continuing support of Keeping America's Promise is now a critical ingredient to winning the fight.

But we can only compete and win if you stand with us. Please make a donation today:

Make a Contribution

Thank you,

John Kerry

The Response:

My Dear Mr. Kerry,
Please understand that I offer my most humble condolences on your absolute loss of sanity. While I certainly appreciate your attempt to try to sway me to the side of the morons, I must regretfully decline. You see, my head is not completely up my ass like the dumbasses that vote for your LOSER party. And just out of curiosity, does it look odd that you addressed this spammer mail to someone named "Two"?

Let's look at the drivel contained in your spam-mail that was sent to me completely unsolicited. I have never witnessed such utter whoring for money in all my born days. Your letter looks like an Oral Roberts plea for funds. Maybe you are actually his long lost brother, "Anal".

Here we go. You start this crap not by spelling out your intentions for our country but by once again attacking Republicans. Santorum is a "right-wing extremist"? How does it look when the Democrat Party has an Far-Left, Purple Heart stealing, Lurch-resembling, traitorous, lying, gold-digging, appeasement monkey as its Presidential candidate? Nobody is buying your crap. Oh, and you throw and catch like a girl. No offense to all those girls that can actually throw and catch. You know what I mean.

Funny thing that you should point out all these things that Rick believes and never point out what you believe. Let me help.

You believe that instead of people taking care of themselves, everyone should be FORCED into some nationalized healthcare program run with more of my own DAMN money. You believe that the government should control our kids in the ridiculous Head-Start programs to further indoctrinate them in the ways of the Left. You believe that the Far-Left terrorist organizations like PETA and ELF should provide the foundations for crippling businesses with oppressive environmental programs that do nothing to protect our planet. You believe that the "little people" should never be able to build real wealth by managing the 13% of our income that you confiscate to purchase more votes from ill-informed seniors that you have scared to death. There is no LOCKBOX, dumbass. And finally you believe that the single mother should be forced to leave her kids in government subsidized daycare getting brain-washed while she goes to school to learn how to clean one of your many mansions.

Did it ever occur to you that maybe someone would be tricked into voting for your far left ideas if you would simply admit that you are a Splodeydope? Dammit boy, most people want to hear what you are FOR, not what you are AGAINST. Please Johnny, I'm begging you, just come out and say that your's is the party of Moonbats. "Birds of a feather" and all.

You are not up for re-election because you did not have the guts to resign your Senate seat like any self-respecting person would do when they were running for President. Uh, think Bob Dole. He knew his was a lost cause but still had the fortitude to do the LEGAL thing. Not good for you, John-boy. Maybe you can actually get charged with a crime for that.

I am sure that you did want to win last November, but I am also sure that you knew you wouldn't. Why else would you continue to hold your Senate seat much to the dismay of everyone concerned about this country? Furthermore, I hate to be the one to tell you, but the chances of the Democrats winning back the Congress at any point in the near future are slim to none. Maybe you didn't notice, but y'all elected that dumbass Howard Dean as Chairman of your party and since that time donations have slowed to a trickle. Stupid move, you morons.

Wow! Y'all have an organization of five million people? Man that sounds just like the membership of Moveon.stupid. Coincidence? Prolly not. Did it ever occur to you that you might want to look into trying to trick people that can actually vote? An organization consisting of five million felons and Muslim terrorists will probably not win too many elections, but hey, keep trying. And if you are counting the heads that you are spamming, maybe you need to do one of those world famous Democrat recounts that y'all cry about all the time. It seems that I am among those fortunate five million.

I am so glad that you have recognized that Republicans are outside of the mainstream. That is one of the reasons that they win elections. It's 'cause they are so few and far between. Does this makes sense to you? It doesn't make sense to all of us people that vote Republican and are outside of the mainstream. WTF?

Man, your senseless crap just really ticks me off. There can't be anyone that would actually think that you have the slightest clue what you are talking about. Do you remember that you are the dumbass that wants to rollback the tax cuts? Can you come to the conclusion that is the reason that WORKING people don't vote for your stupid party?

Do you really think that anyone that can add thinks that the current Social Security program is a good idea? Man, you have got to be kidding. I promise if you will just let me out of the program, you can keep the dollars I have paid up to this point. Just let me out.

The only thing missing from this e-mail is the mind-controlling subliminal sounds that you would have to play to get thinking people to believe one thing that you have said here. Geez, you ARE dumber that Chimpy McHitlerburton. Your comparisons of the two parties are further from the truth than Harry Potter books.

Johnny, please stop spamming me and I promise not to come to one of your twelve multi-million dollar houses, you "Man of the Working People", and KICK. YOUR. ASS. Oh, and tell Teeeereeeeeeza to put a bag over her scary face, she's making all of us sick and making the kids have nightmares.

I offer you the right to use this and any of the subsequent correspondence that you WILL receive from me if you keep up this spamming crap. Just put this e-mail up on your website to show everyone exactly how far outta the damn mainstream that I am.

Oh, and thanks for thanking me for helping Paul Hackett lose in Ohio in your other spam-mail. Yeah, y'all can't even get a veteran elected anymore. Too bad that Republicans are so far out of the mainstream.

Massachusetts sucks and you do too.

With love and kisses,
Two Dogs

The Country of New California

My friend, Erin, sent me this little Hate-America e-mail sent by one of the "Are we there, yet?" crowd. I think that I shall respond. Oh, and this is for Lew as well. For Lew: MY COMMENTS WILL BE IN ITALICS AND I WILL TYPE SLOWLY.

The Letter:

Dear Red States,

We've decided we're leaving. (Well, damn, it's about time.) We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. (Don't let the screen door hit you in the ass.)

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, (We whole-heartedly agree, we love it, y'all hate it.) and especially to the people of the new country of New California. (Hey, you have no argument from us. And we expect you to put the land mass together and get it outta our yard.)

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. (Uh, not to nitpick, but slavery has been against the damn law since 1862. But y'all will have it in New California purdy damn quick.) We get stem cell research (Try some Brain-Cell research first, Splodeydope.) and the best beaches. (Forgot about Florida and her Keys, North Carolina, and Alabama?) We get Elliot Spitzer. (Better clone him, cause y'all get all the crime too.) You get Ken Lay. (You have to take Jimmy Carter.)

We get the Statue of Liberty. (From France, y'all need it.) You get Dollywood. (And Nashville and Athens) We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. (And the vast majority of electricity. Those computers work on tofu remember. Uh, sorry, we get the soybeans too, so NO TOFU FOR YOU!) We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. (Yea, that William Faulkner just sucks, but let's play football!)

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. (And where is ALL the damn gold and where are all the minting facilities?) You get Alabama. (and Auburn, FSU, and Miami, LET'S PLAY FOOTBALL!) We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, (Moron, y'all will cripple business within weeks.) you get to make the red states pay their fair share. (All our folks work and the companies will all move to our country. Just try to keep Bill Gates.)

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's (the whistling you hear is the vacuum in your head), we get a bunch of happy families. (Meet my two daddies!) You get a bunch of single moms. (And we will take care of them, too. You get all the diseased needle-junkies.)

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice (As long as it is killing the unborn) and anti-war (Surrender Monkey), and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. (Ask them where they want to live, we will force no one to live in oppression and slavery.) If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. (How about the existing military forces? 75% of them are from our States. Good thing y'all are anti-war 'cause you ain't got no Army) They have kids (Do you mean adults that volunteer to serve their country?) they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, (How about saving innocent people from terrorists that want to kill them?) and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. (We care deeply about our soldiers and Marines. We honor our military unlike some that are protected by the men and women they loath.) We do wish you success in Iraq, (That is a damn lie) and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire. (You said "quagmire"! What a dumbass. Your IQ is a quagmire. Again, you have very few military guys and gals. And only 25% of the bases, so shut up already)

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water (Not true, Alaska alone has more.), more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (We kinda like beer, Dolt.) (you can serve French wines at state dinners [If your calculations are correct, why don't we serve the 5% of fine wine that comes from our place?]) 90 percent of all cheese (French much?), 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias (Them's are pretty, but you can't use them for construction, so what do you build with?) and condors (Tastes like chicken!!), all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. (Well, let's see how to address this. We have NASA, all nuclear weapons and most meat. Also, we have a more temperate climate that is more conducive to growing and pretty much all the farmers. When y'all tax your big agriculture outta business, y'all will starve, damn. Oh, and run your cars off of solar power. Yep, we have 98% of natural gas and oil.)

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs [How is their health care our responsibilty, aren't they grown? And our fat chicks are prettier than your skinny ones.]), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes (Y'all have John Kerry), nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes (Y'all have Paris Hilton), 90 percent of the hurricanes (Y'all have Helen Thomas and Hillary Clinton), 99 percent of all Southern Baptists (Y'all have the Muslims), virtually 100 percent of all televangelists (Y'all have the lawyers), Rush Limbaugh (Al Franken), Bob Jones University (Berkley), Clemson and the University of Georgia (Go Dawgs!).

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you. (We might take Yosemite back, so don't thank us yet. But don't cry, we won't hurt you.)

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, (Y'all believe in Socialism, which is worse??) 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty (No, we still believe it's sacred, that's why we put to death someone that doesn't believe it is.) or gun laws (I have no idea what that means. Guns and "life is sacred"?), 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, (Uh, is that why they call it the "Theory of Evolution"?) 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 (No, but 100% of you dumbasses think that we do.) and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties. (No, it's closer to 100% of us crazy bastards. You better not forget that we are crazy or we will WHIP. YOUR. ASS.)

By the way, we're taking (smoking) the good pot, too. (We know that. That's the only way that you can imagine that you can survive without us, the producers.) You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico. (Nah, y'all can have that, too. Hell, y'all are going to be conquered by Mexico anyway and then those guys will come in and sheet rock your whole country.)

Sincerely,
Unknown Author of New California

Now, any intelligent people that are left in the blue states need to get your asses to the Buckle of the Bible Belt. You are safe with us. And any Leftists that care to live better, you do the same.

Hey, Here's A New Spammer!

I just received an e-mail from John Glenn. He sure has hit an all-time low now by becoming a spammer from JohnKerry.com. Man, I remember when he was a hero, now he is the same as a pornographer, but I digress.

Since Democrats hate our military and want us to lose the War on Islamic Terrorism, I guess they tried to brainwash someone to run on their ticket and further degrade our military. This is what they have now.

THE E-MAIL: Remember, this is SPAM.

Dear Two,

Next Tuesday -- just five days from now -- Ohio can make history and provide genuine battle-tested leadership in Congress.

In the special election in the state's 2nd Congressional District, Paul Hackett, a proud Marine who bravely volunteered to serve America in Iraq, is running for Congress.

There are many reasons why America needs Paul Hackett in Washington not the least of which is this: At a time when Congress is making crucial decisions about U.S. policy in Iraq and veterans return home to find veterans' programs underfunded, we need the voice of a person who has lived through that experience. He'll be a voice for all our brothers in arms.

There's so much I could tell you about Paul Hackett and his leadership. But, here's one of the facts that impresses me the most. Paul didn't just volunteer to go to Iraq. When he got there, he volunteered again. Only two months into his tour of duty in Iraq, Paul volunteered to go to Fallujah. Vicious extremists and insurgents had seized the city and Paul knew they had to be stopped.

Now Paul is volunteering to serve once more.

Just like we all learned while serving in uniform, when the bullets are flying character is what counts, not whether you're a Democrat or a Republican. This is about our country. Please help the Hackett for Congress campaign step up its vital voter turnout efforts in these critical closing days. We don't have a moment to lose.

Contribute to Hackett for Congress

I know that my experience as a veteran deeply guided me in my years in the United States Senate. And I'm positive that Paul Hackett's experience will inform his role in Congress if you and I help him win next Tuesday.

He can speak about the war in Iraq from a deeply personal perspective. He can let Congress and America know what our brave soldiers are going through in Iraq and what support they need. But, he can do something more as well.

As a veteran, Paul Hackett can play a leadership role in making sure our veterans and our military families get the support they need and deserve. Like you, I am deeply disturbed that, at a time of war, as we create a new generation of veterans, there are those in Washington standing by allowing cuts in veterans' benefits and refusing to take the steps necessary to meet the health care and other needs of those who have served America so proudly.

We only have five days left. Act now.

Contribute to Hackett for Congress (Ed Note: Yes the link is good.)

I can't think of a better person to serve in Congress than a veteran of active military duty in Iraq. We've relied on his leadership already -- and I know we can count on his leadership again.

Please act right now. America needs Paul Hackett and Paul Hackett needs you.

Sincerely,

John Glenn

Dammit, you suck, John Glenn.

Man, This Came at the Right Time

Yesterday presented somewhat of an upheaval for me. It seems that our office was forced into a restructuring of our priorities and our full-time staff was purged to allow for less overhead costs. I was asked to accept a contracting type position that allows me some more freedom in my endeavors. I guess I welcome the change, but what the future holds is something of an indefinite at this particular point.

That said, I checked my spammer mail account and guess what? Free money! If you live your life right and shy away from idiotic thoughts and schemes, money just jumps in your lap. Yes, there is a G_d and He knows the right time for everything.

The Letter:(All stupidity and misspellings are his)

CAMARA SESSI
DEH HARZZER 54-56
1088DH AMSTERDAM-NETHERLANDS

ATTN: SIR/MADAM,

PERMIT ME TO INFORM YOU OF MY DESIRE OF GOING INTO BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. I GOT YOUR AND CONTACT FROM THE NETHERLANDS CHAMBER OF COMMERCE AND INDUSTRY. I PRAYED OVER IT AND SELECTED YOUR AMONG OTHER S DUE TO IT'S ESTEEMING NATURE AND THE RECOMMENDATIONS GIVEN TO ME AS A REPUTABLE AND TRUST WORTHY PERSON I CAN CONFIDE ON AND BY THEIR RECOMMENDATIONS I MUST NOT HESITATE TO CONFIDE IN YOU FOR THIS SIMPLE AND SINCERE REQUEST.

I AM CAMARA SESSI,A 22YEARS OLD BOY, THE ONLY SON OF LATE CHIEF AND MRS CHRISTOPHER SESSI. MY FATHER WAS A VERY WEALTHY COCOA MERCHANT BASED IN ABIDJAN, THE ECONOMIC CAPITAL OF IVORY COAST BEFORE HE WAS POISONED TO DEATH BY HIS BUSINESS ASSOCIATES ON ONE OF THEIR EVENING OUTING TO DISCUSSON A BUSINESS DEAL.

WHEN MY MOTHER DIED ON THE 21ST OCTOBER 1990, MY FATHER TOOK ME SO SPECIAL BECAUSE I AM MOTHERLESS. BEFORE THE DEATH OF MY FATHER ON 24TH APRIL 2002, IN A PRIVATE HOSPITAL IN ABIDJAN, HE SECRETLY CALLED ME ON HIS BED SIDE AND TOLD ME THAT HE HAS A SUM OF US$7M (SEVEN MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS) LEFT IN A BANK HERE IN AMSTERDAM NETHERLANDS.

THAT HE USED MY AS HIS ONLY SON FOR THE NEXT OF KIN IN DEPOSIT OF THE FUND. HE ALSO EXPLAINED TO ME THAT IT WAS BECAUSE OF THIS WEALTH THAT HE WAS POISONED BY HIS
BUSINESS ASSOCIATES, THAT I SHOULD SEEK FOR A FOREIGN PARTNER IN A COUNTRY OF MY CHOICE WHERE I WILL TRANSFER THIS MONEY AND USE IT FOR INVESTMENT PURPOSE.

FOR THIS SIMPLE REASON, I ARRANGED WITH A TRAVEL AGENT, WHO HELPED ME TO TRAVEL TO AMSTERDAM-NETHERLANDS WHERE THE FUND IS DEPOSITED. I AM RIGHT NOW IN AMSTERDAM AS A REFUGEE.

I AM HONOURABLY SEEKING YOUR ASSISTANCE IN THE FOLLOWING WAYS.
1) TO HELP ME RETRIEVE THIS FUND AND HELP PROVIDE A BANK ACCOUNT WHERE THIS MONEY WOULD BE TRANSFERED INTO.
2) TO SERVE AS THE GUARDIAN OF THIS FUND AND ME
3) TO MAKE ARRANGEMENT FOR ME TO COME OVER TO YOUR COUNTRY TO FURTHER MY EDUCATION AND TO SECURE A RESIDENTIAL PERMIT FOR ME IN YOUR COUNTRY.

MOREOVER, SIR, I AM WILLING TO OFFER YOU 15% OF THE TOTAL SUM AS COMPENSATION FOR YOUR EFFORT/INPUT AFTER THE SUCCESSFUL TRANSFER OF THIS FUND TO YOUR NOMINATED ACCOUNT OVERSEA. FURTHERMORE, YOU CAN INDICATE YOUR OPTION TOWARDS ASSISTING ME AS I BELIEVE THAT THIS TRANSACTION WOULD BE CONCLUDED WITHIN SEVEN (7) DAYS,
YOU SIGNIFY INTEREST TO ASSIST ME.

ANTICIPATING HEARING FROM YOU SOON.

THANKS AND GOD BLESS.

EMAIL ME DIRECTLY ON camarasessipvt@netscape.net

BEST REGARD
CAMARA SESSI

Woooooooo Hooooooooo!

The Response:

What up, Camara?

I usually don't respond to people that are too stupid to depress the "caps lock" key, but you have e-mailed me at a time when I am feeling a little less judgmental than usual. Lucky you.

Sir/Madam? What the Hell did you call me? Did you know that them there are fighting words around my parts? And when was the last time you saw a woman wear black chaps with blue trim? Women wear pink trimmed chaps, moron.

Camara, how in the Hell did you arrive at the conclusion that 22 years old is a "boy"? In most parts of the world that is a man that is rapidly approaching middle-age. The amazing part of your statement proudly proclaiming "boyhood" is that you actually appear to believe it. You say your father took you "so special" because you were motherless? I think he took you "so special" because he was without a regular piece of trim. And maybe the reason you think of yourself as a boy is because of your father's need for you to continually shave your entire body.

You also say about dear ol' Dad "THAT HE USED MY AS HIS ONLY SON FOR THE NEXT OF KIN". Just what in Hell did he use as his only son? Did you forget an "S" in that declarative sentence? This just makes no sense whatsoever. I realize that you obviously are not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but damn "boy" try to proofread your damn e-mails before pressing the send button.

If you are in Amsterdam, why don't you look up my friend, Mr. Franklin Brown, and see if he can help you set up a man-boy love association there? He is already working for me as the curator of my hashish and pet store, called "Dope and Dogs". We are making a killing. Just don't let him know that you are 22, he prefers his boymeat a little younger than that.

Oh, what makes you think that I need an uneducated "boy" hanging around my place? Is there anything about my site that leads you to believe that I have any feminine tendencies? I.WILL.KICK.YOUR.ASS.

Anyway, send me the damn money. E-mail me and let me know how you want to set this up. Please include this is the subject line, "My, what a lovely tea party." and I'll get right back to you.

Hey, the Ivory Coast sucks and you do too; your Daddy said you were the best!

Thanks 'tard,
Two Dogs

I'll keep y'all posted as developments occur.
.

A Moonbat Smackdown

Daily, I read Imara and soundboyz. Usually I find more to agree with than not, but today was a little much. It seems that soundboyz honestly believes some of the Moonbat barking. As I was writing my comments, I realized that I needed too much space to do the article justice, so here it is. My comments are in italics.

Here we go....

So, you mean to tell me that President Bush ended up WINNING the 2000 election , even though Al Gore WON the popular vote?

Yes, that is called the Electoral College. That is how we elect a President and Vice-President in this Republic. Comes from the Constitution, Federal elections are decided by the States, not the populace. At least try to learn some history. By the way, Bush won the 2004 election with over 50% of the popular vote, something that Clinton never came close to doing. So I guess that you want to repeal everything that Clinton did in office?

So, you mean to tell me that it all boiled down to a state in which his brother, Jeb is the governor?

Yep, so what? If Al Gore had won his home state, he would have been President. Talk about a loser.

So, you mean to tell me that the Florida Supreme Court ruled that Bush was the winner because it was in the best interest of the country?

Well said, but exactly 100% false. The Florida Supreme Court interpreted Florida law incorrectly because they wanted Gore to win; slightly different from your post. The Federal Supreme Court overturned their ruling 7-2. Furthermore, through every recount done every way imaginable, Bush won every single one.

So, you mean to tell me that the National Security Advisor repeatedly try to warn the Bush Administration about people willing to use hijacked airplanes as missiles on targets in the U.S. , but was frequently ignored?

I have never heard that Condi said this and she was the National Security Advisor. She has adamantly denied any knowledge beforehand; personally I believe her because of her historical integrity. Maybe you are talking about Sandy Berger who was recently indicted on theft charges stemming from his shredding of documents pertaining to the Clinton Administration's handling of terrorism. Or worse still, maybe you just made this one up.

So, you mean to tell me that a PDB(Presidential daily briefing) was sitting on Bush's desk warning him about a potential 9/11 scenario , while he was clearing brush in Crawford Texas?

Presidential briefings are general information. There are not a whole lot of specifics about anything. Usually these are in memo form and offer no "eyes only" info. So, I'm guessing that this could have said something about a fifty foot tall Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man crushing churches and it wouldn't have mattered.

So, you mean to tell me that hours after 9/11 , the names, pictures , and information of all 19 hijackers were known and broadcasted on television, yet 9/11 could not be prevented?

Yea, it's called detective work. Look at the manifest and names. Then narrow it down to Arabs. Probably took a whopping six minutes.

So, you mean to tell me that we went into Iraq because Bush tried to link Saddam Hussein to 9/11?

Nope, the United States invaded Iraq because we are the damn UN police officer and we enforced the 14 resolutions that Iraq ignored. Bush asked if Saddam was involved with 9-11 and come to find out he was not in that specific incident. However, the numerous ties betwen Saddam and OBL that the 9-11 Commission pointed out, prove that there might still come a time when that evidence is uncovered. You see, criminals usually don't write down stuff like: 1. Get dumbasses to fly planes into buildings. 2. Get check from Saddam.

So, you mean to tell me that when they failed to link Iraq to 9/11, the Bush administration claimed that Iraq posed a THREAT to us with weapons of mass destruction?

Uh, no, the Democrats said that Bush said that. Bush said that he was going to enforce the UN resolutions. Bet you can't find that quote from Bush about an emminent threat.

So, you mean to tell me that when the U.N. was about to declare Iraq FREE of WMD, Bush rushed us to war with Iraq?

Uh, the UN was going to declare Iraq free of WMD's even though Saddam wouldn't let inspectors in until the United States had amassed an army on their border? Too little, too late. Let's make some glass!

So, you mean to tell me that the plan to invade Iraq was in the works since Bush 41, but was rejected as crazy and impractical, and also because there was no EXIT strategy?

Well, maybe the Clinton Administration was keeping that in reserve if Bill was actually charged with the rape of Juanita Broderick.

So, you mean to tell me that these same "Neo-Conservatives" that planned this war in Iraq since the 80's, are the SAME ones in KEY positions in the Bush 43 administration?

Yea, well when you can get the experienced veterans that know the business instead a bunch of Leftist appeasement monkeys, go for 'em. Seemed to work pretty well from where I'm standing. Oh, and they are Conservatives, Neo.

So, you mean to tell me that with all the evidence that has come out to show that the American people have been repeatedly LIED to , there is no call, or movement, to do anything about it?

Well, the American people seemed to come out and vote overwhelmingly against the liar, Kerry, so I guess something has been done. Oh, and he still hasn't signed the Form 180. What's up with that? Did he actually get court-martialed or is that just a rumor?

So, you mean to tell me that American Soldiers have been exposed as war criminals, and abusers of prisoners in Iraq, yet only "foot soldiers" are taking the blame, when the Administration stated early on in the war that they would NOT abide by the Geneva convention?

Well, no, we didn't sign the idiotic treaty forming an International Court. And the one war criminal that I am aware of, was sentenced to death last week. Yea, chunk a grenade into tents with your fellow soldiers and see what happens.

So, you mean to tell me that the U.S. is holding INNOCENT human beings in Guantanimo Bay, yet these human beings have NO rights or due process?

Innocent terrorists? Yea, that's right. Failure to follow the Geneva Convention in wartime causes you to lose any protections of the Convention.

So, you mean to tell me that these people being held in Gitmo are being subjected to inhumane and degrading torture and nothing is being done to stop this?

Yea, if you call three hots and a cot, torture. Hey, I'll stop that shit, if given the chance.

So, you mean to tell me that we appointed Chalibi as OIL MINISTER in Iraq, yet we claim that we are NOT after their OIL?

Uh, WTF? There were elections held in Iraq, a government was put in place and now they fill the cabinet. Please tell me that you don't think that we are manipulating things. Oh, well. To the victor, go the spoils. Bring on the free oil!

So, you mean to tell me that Bush "won" the 2004 elections because he "won" Ohio which heavily relied in electronic voting machines created by Diabolt,whose owner is a big Republican supporter of Bush, who "promised" him the win before hand?

It's Deibold, but yes Bush won handily, except in the urban areas, just as happened in every state across the country. Seems that morons flock to large cities. But everyone already knew that. You gotta be a dumbass to live in the same place as millions of other folks. Oh, and how does someone that only supplies 3% of the voting machines promise the election? Oh, he has faith in the American people. Most people knew the extent of Kerry's stupidity.

So, you mean to tell me that American Press no longer has the right to report the truth?

The Press is just now being forced to print the truth from as far back as Vietnam. Believe me, it's going to take many more blog outings of the lies of the press, but eventually the truth will begin to sift back into the MSM.

What ARE you telling me?

That obviously, you have some problems with this country and should seek asylum in some third world country that hates George Bush as much as you do.

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Mean Ol' Meany-The Millionaire: Continued

Yep, another letter has arrived, actually two this week, but I am only going to put one up. You see, I have this soft spot for people that have lost a parent in the political uprising in Sierra Leone. Damn, that place had to have the richest persons per capita until the serfs took over. As usual, all bastardization of the English language is theirs, not mine....

The Letter:

Dear Two Dogs,
I know this letter will come to you as a surprise because we don't have previous contact or arrangment,before but kindly take it as an offer of investment assistance.I got your contact through the NET from my seriousness and anxiousness in contacting a reputable foreigner who will assist me in investing overseas and have decided to seek your personal assistance in this transaction for future benefit of both parties.
I am Miss joy osita, a Sierra-Leonian now seeking nassylum in Dakar-Senegal under
UNHCR).My father (late) chief fejoku osita was the managing director of Rainbow Gold and Diamond Mine company in (KENEMA) Sierra-Leone, but was killed during the civil war by the rebels,but before his untimely death,while he was in the hospital,he told me of some vital deposit documents in his strong room which bears the total sum of nine million five hundred thousand united states
dollars(US9.500,000.00) he deposited in a Security and Finance Company here in
Dakar,Senegal on my name as the next of kin and beneficiary if he is unseen.He further warned and advised me not to invest this money in any war zones countries rather makes a foreign contact for my brighter life.I and my mother is presently residing at Dakar Senegal pending the period we should succeed in investing the fund overseas and we have
maped out 20% as a partly reward for your assistance during this process.I have all the neccesary backing/proofs in respect of this consignment.
Awaiting your earnest response.Please handle this transaction with ulmost confidentiality.
You should contact me immediately as soon as you receive this mail through the above email for further directives. you can contert me with this address joy55osita@yahoo.ca
Thanks.
Yours sincerely.
joy osita

My Humble Response:

Miss Joy,

Hey sweetheart, how's tricks? This sounds pretty good, let me get my calculator. Nine point five million dollars times twenty percent. Wait a damn minute, carry the one, cipher a little and......

One point nine million? Are you f*cking kidding me? You blithering moron, I don't get out of my bed for a measly 1.9. DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!?!?!?!

I, my dear, am Two Dogs! I wipe my ass with 1.9 million every day! Ever since my NET windfall, I scoff at you little peons from Sierra Leone. I actually think that I should buy you, your mother, and your miserable country. How does being my house servant sound?

By the way, why don't you take your little hometown of Kenema and shove it up your....sorry, that is just too easy. Rainbow Gold and Diamond Mine Company? Was Daddy Dearest just a little on the swishy side? Sounds like a sandal bender to me. No wonder the rebels wanted his fancy pants self out of the country.

You say that before his untimely death, while he was in the hospital, he told you of this money? Are you saying that when he told you, you cut off his life support? You must be a Democrat.

You know, this investment assistance thing is becoming quite a time consuming hobby for me. Anyway, if you just have to have someplace to stash 9.5 million dollars, yea, oh Hell yea, I'll take it. I got a special place picked out already. I have a friend who just happens to have developed the perfect male potency drug. He just needs a little start up capital. I'm sure you want to be in on that.

So, if you want to do business with me, just give me a shout out on my spammer account again and we'll get this ball rolling. Oh, and damn girl, learn some grammar before you start sending e-mails around. You type worse than a twelve year old on AOL.

Peace out,
Two Dogs

I'll keep you posted.

UPDATE AGAIN: I just realized that I now have 150 g-mail invitations. Those damn things are like Church's chicken, the more you chew, the bigger it gets. Send me an e-mail if you want one. Put "You are the greatest thing since autoerotica" in the subject line and I'll show you the love. (NO HOMO)

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Tolerance and the Lack Thereof

Most people can understand that I write my thoughts here for my amusement and the amusement of a few others, most notably Pam. If you find yourself upset by some of the things that I do write, you are probably a thinking person and probably are justified in your emotional reaction or just weak intellectually. Take your pick.

That said, I have had the good fortune to have had numerous debates/disagreements with folks that comment here and rarely has it gotten ugly. My last post was one that linked an article from the Denver Channel, obviously a place that has more money than good sense, but I digress.

It seems that this post raised the ilk of a humanoid that goes by the name of Phq Mi Run'n who is obviously plagued by feelings of inadequacy of biblical proportions. (If your bidness is too small player, I can send you some links to "Grow Your Schlong, Inc.") While I am not sure whether this person is male or female, laborer or management, leaded or unleaded, fight or flight, this person also knows little if anything about me. Therefore, I will make the determination that I care NOT for them ever returning to read my work and will dissect their obvious stupidity with all the love and understanding that I can muster.

Belly up to the Two Dogs Humiliation Bar, Phq Mi Run'n, what's your poison? From this point in time, to save time, I shall refer to this person as Festering Asshole, FA for short....

FA's comment: You so intorerant of people for having different names. You wirr burn in herr!

While I have trouble dealing with your gianormous grasp of the English language, I am guessing that FA means that "Two Dogs, you will burn in Hell!"

FA's Idiotic Point #1: Two Dogs wrote something that made fun of exotic names. Nope, not once did I do that, I simply linked an article that stated some weak statistical findings that are so completely elementary that FA could even see that there was no value. Wait, obviously NOT. But, since you mention it, wonder what the dumbest name in the history of the world could be? Yep, the English translation of your name, "F*ck Me Running".

FA's Idiotic Point #2: Two Dogs is intolerant of other people that are not like him. Again I say all I did was link. I challenge anyone to point to anything that states my opinion in the post, unless it's my suggested satirical names. Thirty-four words were written by me, two of which were posing as proper names. Congrats, Ass-hat, your grasp of the English language is only topped by your reading prowess.

FA's Idiotic Point #3: Two Dog's salvation is determined by an Ass-hat that has no idea who I am and for what I stand. With fourteen words, FA has set the Stupidity Bar at an all-time high. Howard Dean can never reach this level, well, yea, he probably will, but it's going to be difficult.

Anyhoo, thanks for playing, Mr. Tons of Tolerance, you are the laughing stock of at least three people in the world. Please return and share more of your reams of wisdom with all the unwashed masses.

Additional Info: One of the first linkers to this site is having a tough time right now, hit your knees and keep Nzyme in your prayers.

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Dammit, How Much Money Can One Person Stand?

Again, and again, people keep giving me money. How much can I take? I mean I already have received 18.6 million from Mr. Smith Bowani, another 9 million from Aliyu Ahmed.jnr, and now this:

The Letter:

QUEENS LOTTERY PROMO INTERNATIONAL.
****************************
PROMOTIONS/PRIZE AWARD DEPARTMENT
DEAR WINNER,
RESULTS FOR SECOND CATEGORY DRAWS.
After a successful completion of the second category
draws of QUEENS LOTTERY PROMO INTERNATIONAL.

You have emerged one of the winners of the QUEENS LOTTERY PROMO INTERNATIONAL, which is part of our promotional draws. Participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from 30,000 email addresses of individuals and companies from America,Africa, Asia, Australia, Canada, Europe, Middle East, and New Zealand as part of our InternationalPromotions Program.
*********************************************************************
You/Your Company, attached to:
TICKET NUMBER:VGT/FRS/BBK/SNSS
REFERENCE NUMBER:77710/3401/SNSS
*********************************************************************
As a category winner, you have been selected by computer balloting system where only email addresses are soughted,from a total numbers of 30,000 email addresses drawn from all over the globe. After an automated computer ballot of our International Promotions Program consequently won in the second Category. You have therefore been awarded a lump sum pay out of One Million Five Hundred thousand Euros(EUROS1,500,000.00) in cash, which is the winning payout for second category winner. This is from the total prize money of 13,000,000.00Euros shared among the eight international winners in the SECOND category.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have to contact the(S.N.S SECURITIES) for immediate remittance
your E-mail address won the lucky number. To avoid mix up of numbers and names of any kind, we request that you keep this award strictly from public notice until the entire process of transferring your claims has been completed, and your funds remitted to your account. This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming or unscrupulous acts by participants of this program.
required by the (S.N.S SECURITIES).
We also wish to bring to your notice our End of Year(2005) high stakes where you stand a chance of winning up to 13 million Euros; We hope that with a part of your prize you will participate. To begin your claims process please contact your claims agent.
*********************************************************************
MR.FRANKLYN BROWN.
FOREIGN SERVICE MANAGER.
S.N.S SECURITIES.
115 LEIDENSTRAATSEWEG
LANSLEG 2567 KJ
AMSTERDAM, THE NETHERLANDS
Tel: + 31-613-669-160
Fax: + 31-847-535-293
EMAIL:(snssecuritiesbv@netscape.net)
**********************************************************************
for due processing and remittance of your prize money to a designated account of your choice. Remember, you must contact your claim agent not later than one week of
receiving this message. NOTE: To avoid unnecessary delays and complications,please remember to quote your reference and batch numbers provided below in every one of your correspondence with your claims agent. You are to provide the below details,to enable the speedy evaluation and processing of your winnings. we advice that you adhere strictly to their procedures to avoid any disqualifications and subsequent cancellation.

1. My Full Names:
2. Adresses:Home/Office
3. Direct Telephone/Fax Numbers

the above detailed information will be absolutely necessary to file in your claims.

Congratulations once again from all our staffs of(S.N.S SECURITIES.) thank you for being part of our promotions program.
Sincerely,
THE LOTTERY COORDINATOR,
QUEENS LOTTERY PROMO INTERNATIONAL.

What the Hell am I supposed to do with all this money?

My Humble Response:

Dammit Frankyn,

I simply DO NOT want this money. I am so sick and tired of everyone thinking that I need it. So far this year, I have received a total of 27.6 million dollars in United States currency from other sources. What in the Hell do you think that I am going to do with Euros? It would be different if it was in coins and I needed to prop up an uneven pool table leg, but I just bought a new one with my unexpected windfall. And believe it or not, it is made out of Euros! How ironic!

This said, maybe you should donate this money to help the efforts to allow every French speaking person to never have to work again. Do you know that they are having to slave almost a total of 36 hours a week? It seems that they could work in the time to bathe, huh? Ah, the humanity!

Wait, I got it. If you would simply become my representative and open that quaint little hash bar in the Netherlands that I always wanted, it would much please me. You see, I have always dreamed of owning a place that every middle-class, white, American, hippie kid could retreat to before starting on his/her/ambiguous path towards adulthood. I just can't help it, I have become a softy for every Left-wing cause that you can imagine. Nah, I just don't have the patience for that, I might have to do some paperwork or something.

Maybe you could donate the money to the Democrat Party in the United States. I don't know if you are aware, but since they made Howard Dean the Chairman of the party, donations have dropped a bit. It seems the Liberals aren't even stupid enough to back this party now. I guess I gotta help out just to maintain the comedic material.

Anyway, I hereby assign all duties required for dispensing this money to you. Oh, and thank your 'staffs', too. Best of luck in your endeavors, 'tard. Don't worry your pretty little head (NO HOMO), I'll keep this on the down-low, player.

Amsterdam sucks and you do too,
Two Dogs

I'll keep you posted.
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BIG-TIME Part II, Oh Yeah, I'm Loaded Now!

Regular readers of this never-to-be-humble blog will remember a previous post where I responded to a letter from Mr. Smith Bowani about some money that he had just lying around waiting for some place to deposit it. Well, no response and I'm getting worried. Today, I received another letter from another gentleman that promises almost half of Mr. Smith Bowani's dead presidents and I am intrigued to say the least.

Here we go.

The Letter: (All grammatical errors are his)

Goodday,
I know this letter will come to you as a surprise; but this letter is borne out
of my desire to establish a mutual business relationship with you,please keep it confidential!.
I am Mr Aliyu Ahmed the son of Dr Ibrahim Ahmed the former deputy
finance minister under the ousted civilian government in Sierra Leone.
My father was killed and mutilated by the military junta led by Major
Paul Koroma after over throwing the elected government of President
Tejan Kabba.
Though, I do not know to what extent you are familiar with events
disturbances in Sierra leone, but the,pressure of war drove me and my mother
out of Sierra Leone into exile in South Africa.Where we have been
living under political asylum for three years.
Sadly, my mother died of cancer three [3] months ago and was buried
here in South Africa. Prior to her death, she handed over to me a
certificate meant for a secret deposit which my father made in a
security/finance company in South Africa. This deposit is worth [US $ 9.000.000.00] Nine Million United States Dollars only. And this money is in cash.
My father made this deposit in the heat of the conflict then in my
country, with the hope to convert it[money] to his personal use at the end
of the war, unfortunately he was killed when the conflict intensified
as result of his opposition to the rebel forces.
After my mother's funeral, I contacted the security company to confirm
this deposit and establish ownership as well made an arrangement for
this deposit to be moved through diplomatic channel to United
Arab Emirates Presently, this sum of U.S$9,000,000.00 (nine million dollars) is
currently being deposited in a security vault in Dubai. I am seeking
for your honest and sincere participation in the retrievement and reinvestment of this
money.
I cannot do it alone due to my complete ignorance of the business
world, more over I am only 27 years old I will give you a negotiable
percentage of the principal sum in deposit if you assist me to retrieve and
reinvest this money in any profitable area of business in your country.
Please, I need your assistance urgently, because the more this
consignment is still with the company, the more the demurrage accumulates.
Contact me through the same email address.
God Bless You,
Thanks yours
Aliyu Ahmed.jnr.

My Obligatory Response:

My Dear Mr. Ahmed,
I am so sorry to hear of your difficulties in life, but you seem to be somewhat of a cry-baby. I am not making one of my standard value judgments here, but just writing back to offer a piece of advice.

Junior, may I call you Junior? You see, here in the United States, we do not take kindly to some little deposed snot-nose writing and whining about how life has been so unfair. While I do understand your deep dismay at losing both of your parents in such a short period of time, I gotta say, "DAMN BOY, QUITCHER BELLY-ACHING!" And two more points; one, if you are going to be a 'Junior', you're supposed to have the same as your father, moron. And two, 'Goodday' is an Australian term, I am from the United States, we say 'howdy', moron.

Junior, your dad was probably some kind of perverted government official that enjoyed making less fortunate others squirm. He probably deserved whatever he got. I promise you this though, he probably didn't e-mail someone with some kinda sob story about needing some place to hide some money that he STOLE from all the hard working people in Sierra Leone. Junior, your dad is probably spinning in his shallow grave somewhere because he was such a failure at raising a "big boy".

It is not everyday that I receive such a letter from a damn old little cry-baby, Junior. Damn son, you are twenty-seven years old. I was a father, owned my own home and had basically been taking care of myself for eleven years at that age. Have you never been out of your parents' back yard? Has your wittle mommy always cut your meat for you? Have you never run barefoot through the whatever y'all run barefoot through over there with a topless young lady? Junior, my advice to you is this; go out to the nearest club, find the hottest little hand maiden you can find, and tell her that you have nine million dollars. I guarantee that you won't have it for long. And I guarantee that you will freely part with your unexpected windfall.

Oh wait, I see now. You're liking you some boys, aren't you? Damn Junior, don't you know that you will wind up getting sick if you are a pillow biter? You know that Sierra Leone is not known for its hygienic sissy boys, don't you?

Anyway, never mind all that. Just send me the damn money. I don't know what the Hell that I'm going to do with it, but I'll try to find some place to store $9 million in cash. I bet the damn shipping alone is going to cost me a damn arm and a leg.

Furthermore, I do not know what the Hell your problems have to do with me, you can't even see Sierra Leone from my trailer. Why in the damn world would anyone want to be the leader of that armpit of civilization? Are y'all stupid or something?

E-mail me back at my spammer mail account and I'll try to figger out something to do with this money. Why just last week I was talking to my Uncle Ned about putting a new deck on my double-wide and he commented that I should go ahead and get one of them car-porches like they sell on TV, too.

When you e-mail me, please remember to send a picture of yourself holding a sign that reads, "I'm a Big-Boy, not a Whiner" and include "Howdy from Mr. Rainbow Fancy-Pants" in the subject line. This will make my response happen much, much quicker.

Thanks for your money,
Two Dogs

I'll keep y'all posted.

UPDATE: Oh, and when you finally get to the States remember THIS which I stole from Armageddon Project. (Hat-Tip and Second-Hand theft: Travis)

UPDATE 2: This post has been linked by IMAO in the Carnival of Comedy. Go check it out.

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I Have Made the BIGTIME!

I knew that there were no other bloggers that could be better at this posting thing than me, but I had no idea that I would come of age so quickly. And you say, "What in the Hell are you talking about, Two Dogs?"

Yes, I have been the recipient of the trolling for dumbass scheme from the African bankers. I am golden.

Anyway, I have decided that I will craft a response to this wonderful man that is offering me a mere 18.5 million dollars. Damn, it's about time someone wanted to pay me MY reparations and from Africa no less! It's kinda like that old two birds with one stone thing. And for our friend soundboyz, man I am about to collect a bunch of money so how much do you think that I owe you?

The Letter:

Hello Two Dogs,

I am Mr. Smith Bowani, an auditor of a reputable bank in Johannesburg,
Gauteng Province in the Republic of South Africa. I have an urgent and
very confidential business proposition for you.

We had a foreign client named Mr. Chung, Timothy, who deposited a huge
sum of money (18.6 Million United States Dollars), with our bank.
Eventually, this client died in a plane crash and since his death we have
not had anybody come up for the claims as the next of kin.

You may want to take a look at other passengers, who were on the same
plane; here is a site for your
perusal.http://www.cnn.com/WORLD/9708/06/guam.passenger.lit/

A situation I have monitored closely with my position in the bank. Now
having monitored this deposit and managed it over
the years before his death, and hence nobody has showed up as the next
of kin for the past years I now solicit for your assistance to present
you as the next of kin as every other arrangement/ processes will be
monitored by me and my partner involved. However I got your contact from
a trade consultant here in South Africa, though I did not disclose the
purpose of my seeking for a foreign business partner to him. Although
we will still have to sign some agreement before the final transfer of
the fund into any of your designated bank account.

I have involved a very senior official in the operational department,
and we have agreed that after the transfer of the money into your
account, you shall be entitled to 30% of the total sum, my colleagues and I
will have 65% while 5% will be used to reimburse any expenses incurred.
All necessary precautions have been taken to ensure a risk free
situation on the side of both parties. Please note that this deal can only
take place on the following conditions;
1. Absolute confidentiality and sincerity will be required and
guaranteed, considering our positions in the bank.
2. Assurance that our own share will be released to us in good faith
when this money finally gets into your account.
Please treat with utmost confidentiality. Contact me as quickly as
possible through my e-mail.

Expecting your urgent response,

Best Regards,
Mr. Smith Bowani

THE REPLY: THE TWO DOGS WAY....

My Dear Mr. Smith Bowani,
You can hardly imagine my utter dismay upon learning of my dear, dear Uncle Chunky Tim's passing. My sister/wife and I are absolutely distraught. I may never be the same again. Uncle CT (that's what we called him) was a wonderful man that taught us many fun games as children. One of my favorites was 'Hijack the Plane and Crash It'. I just never knew that he might actually get to play this game for real, sho'nuff.

Anyhoo, since my contacts in the humongous South African trading company with which I do business have thought you an honest businessman, I guess that I should trust you completely without asking any questions about your undying loyalty to Uncle CT. I just didn't know that Uncle CT was privy to my tradings in South Africa. I thought that I had kept these transactions secret from the rest of the cabal, I mean 'family'. (Wink, wink, nudge, nudge)

With all that said, I must respectfully decline that I make any contributions of my account numbers until the point where my 37.2 million dollars has been deposited into your account. No, no, no, in my religion, Dogma, we will never accept millions of dollars from anyone until they accept double the amount from us. I absolutely insist on this, Mr. Smith Bowani, for if I do not follow the teachings of the Great and Powerful soundboyz, I shall never be allowed into the Kingdom of Badunkadunkdunk. Believe me, Mr. Smith Bowani, I would never do anything, and I do mean ANYTHING, that would jeopardize that. You see, I WORSHIP the badunkadunkdunk. All hot-blooded dawgs do.

Please contact me again at your earliest convenience at my spammer mail account like you did before. Please remember to include in the subject line: "I worship the Badunkadunkdunk"

Oh, and tell my friend, Mr. Very Senior Official in the Operational Department, if he keeps giving out my e-mail address to every Tom, Dick, and Harry with a few million dollars lying around, I am going to KICK. HIS. ASS. I am sooooooo sick of getting all this free money from all of my stupid-ass relatives that get killed in the dumbest ways possible. I am absolutely terrified everytime that I crank up my El Camino thinking that hordes of killer weasels are about to attack my testicles.

Best Wishes and may the Great and Powerful soundboyz bless your thong,
Love ya!
Two Dogs

PS: Please hurry, this 37.2 millions dollars is burning 'a-hole' in my pocket.

UPDATE: I'll keep y'all posted of further developments.

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