Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Mean Ol' Meany-The Millionaire: Continued

Yep, another letter has arrived, actually two this week, but I am only going to put one up. You see, I have this soft spot for people that have lost a parent in the political uprising in Sierra Leone. Damn, that place had to have the richest persons per capita until the serfs took over. As usual, all bastardization of the English language is theirs, not mine....

The Letter:

Dear Two Dogs,
I know this letter will come to you as a surprise because we don't have previous contact or arrangment,before but kindly take it as an offer of investment assistance.I got your contact through the NET from my seriousness and anxiousness in contacting a reputable foreigner who will assist me in investing overseas and have decided to seek your personal assistance in this transaction for future benefit of both parties.
I am Miss joy osita, a Sierra-Leonian now seeking nassylum in Dakar-Senegal under
UNHCR).My father (late) chief fejoku osita was the managing director of Rainbow Gold and Diamond Mine company in (KENEMA) Sierra-Leone, but was killed during the civil war by the rebels,but before his untimely death,while he was in the hospital,he told me of some vital deposit documents in his strong room which bears the total sum of nine million five hundred thousand united states
dollars(US9.500,000.00) he deposited in a Security and Finance Company here in
Dakar,Senegal on my name as the next of kin and beneficiary if he is unseen.He further warned and advised me not to invest this money in any war zones countries rather makes a foreign contact for my brighter life.I and my mother is presently residing at Dakar Senegal pending the period we should succeed in investing the fund overseas and we have
maped out 20% as a partly reward for your assistance during this process.I have all the neccesary backing/proofs in respect of this consignment.
Awaiting your earnest response.Please handle this transaction with ulmost confidentiality.
You should contact me immediately as soon as you receive this mail through the above email for further directives. you can contert me with this address joy55osita@yahoo.ca
Yours sincerely.
joy osita

My Humble Response:

Miss Joy,

Hey sweetheart, how's tricks? This sounds pretty good, let me get my calculator. Nine point five million dollars times twenty percent. Wait a damn minute, carry the one, cipher a little and......

One point nine million? Are you f*cking kidding me? You blithering moron, I don't get out of my bed for a measly 1.9. DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!?!?!?!

I, my dear, am Two Dogs! I wipe my ass with 1.9 million every day! Ever since my NET windfall, I scoff at you little peons from Sierra Leone. I actually think that I should buy you, your mother, and your miserable country. How does being my house servant sound?

By the way, why don't you take your little hometown of Kenema and shove it up your....sorry, that is just too easy. Rainbow Gold and Diamond Mine Company? Was Daddy Dearest just a little on the swishy side? Sounds like a sandal bender to me. No wonder the rebels wanted his fancy pants self out of the country.

You say that before his untimely death, while he was in the hospital, he told you of this money? Are you saying that when he told you, you cut off his life support? You must be a Democrat.

You know, this investment assistance thing is becoming quite a time consuming hobby for me. Anyway, if you just have to have someplace to stash 9.5 million dollars, yea, oh Hell yea, I'll take it. I got a special place picked out already. I have a friend who just happens to have developed the perfect male potency drug. He just needs a little start up capital. I'm sure you want to be in on that.

So, if you want to do business with me, just give me a shout out on my spammer account again and we'll get this ball rolling. Oh, and damn girl, learn some grammar before you start sending e-mails around. You type worse than a twelve year old on AOL.

Peace out,
Two Dogs

I'll keep you posted.

UPDATE AGAIN: I just realized that I now have 150 g-mail invitations. Those damn things are like Church's chicken, the more you chew, the bigger it gets. Send me an e-mail if you want one. Put "You are the greatest thing since autoerotica" in the subject line and I'll show you the love. (NO HOMO)



Tom said...

Great post!

I have a gmail account, and only have 50 accounts to give away.

I make people pay me in the flesh of my enemies, for one.

Paul Mitchell said...

Tom, they renew the invitations every month on my three accounts, so I can't get rid of them.

The Mayor said...

How heteronormative of you. You my friend are in need of some Re-education.

Paul Mitchell said...

Forgive me, Mr. Mayor, I am a man.

Two Dogs said...

Tom, they renew the invitations every month on my three accounts, so I can't get rid of them.