The Mannings SUCK, just like Ole Miss

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Happy Ma's Day - It is none of my business...

For some unknown reason, Mother's Day is always really weird for me. My mother always asks me if I called my grandmother and I always want to know why I should call her on Mother's Day, she ain't my Ma!

Then it hits me like my mother's cornbread does to my stomach, like a ton of river slag. It's that collectivist mentality that DEMANDS that the VILLAGE raises a child. Nope, the village taxes the shit outta us, it doesn't raise our children.

In a "Progressive" world, they want us to honor ALL mothers, not just our own. Sorry, that ain't me. Yes, I call my grandmother, because she is my ma's ma, but I do not tip my chapeau (a little French gayness for Ma's Day!) to all the chicks in the grocery store because it is Mother's Day. They did not sit up all night with me because of an ear infection. They did not sit by in horror as I went nutz on the ear doctor because he was a dumbass. (Yes, I was nine years old.) They did not silently weep when my name was added at the very bottom of the high school graduation program because I missed too many days in Mr. Wilson's class and had to write that twenty page paper on "The Uses of the Quadratic Function in Today's Society" in order to graduate. Nope, those chicks in the grocery store were raising someone else.

So, if you are a mother to a child and they do not wish you a "Happy Mother's Day," you are failure and you should be ashamed that you want me to wish you something for being a failure.

Now, let's look at the very FIRST thing that you need to do to break the endless cycle of stupidity that makes you want everyone to wish you a Happy Mother's Day when you did NOT make Swedish meatballs twenty-two days in a row for supper for me. (Yes, this happened and they were burned every, single night, too.)

YOU are responsible for YOUR own life. No one else is. So, if YOU receive Food Stamps or live on federal subsidized housing allowances, YOU are a failure at life. Sorry, that is the way it is. Not only that, YOU will continue to fail at life as long as YOU expect someone else to come through and provide for YOUR life.

The stigma needs to be reattached to the folks that survive on the "kindness" of others. If you delve into The Bible more than just a little bit, you find that Jesus and his followers found hard work to be one of the most admired traits in anyone. If you are curious what The Bible says about Barry Obama and the "Progressive" movement in general, check out Proverbs 14:23, it pretty much says it all about what the idiots on the left believe.

In all labour there is profit: but the talk of the lips [tendeth] only to penury. Of course, there is much more wisdom in Proverbs 14 and can really, really be mixed up if you do not read all of it together. Basically what Solomon is saying here is that if you are "Progressive," you are an idiot.

Oh, and Happy Mother's Day, Ma. You look great.

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Things that NEED to be Said - A Never-Ending Series

Dr. Thomas Sowell has a series of articles that he publishes called, "Random Thoughts on a Passing Scene." I guess this post is kinda like that without the smartiness awesome!

* The powers that be at CNN do not understand science, mathematics, history, language, or anything else for that matter.

* There is a right and a wrong in every situation.

* Abortion is WRONG. There is no way to make it right. AT ALL.

* Taking money from people that earn it and giving it to people that do NOTHING to earn ANY money is WRONG. And it is certainly NOT Biblical teaching.

* Barry Obama has set the Being President Barre so low that John Kruk could do a better job.

* Or, G_d forbid, even Hillary Clinton. (She's almost as smart as Krukkie, right?

* It just dawned on me the way to tell if something is right or wrong is to find out what "Progressives" believe and do the exact opposite. They have never been right on a single issue.

* When a "Progressive" makes a declarative statement, just point and laugh.

* Comcast has a tendency to Peter Principle people into supervisory roles.

* Firing dumbasses is better than promoting them out of producing areas of your company. Just saying.

* If you are wondering why the DJIA is UP at this particular point in time, find out how much tax money that has been given to the Wall Street guys by their buddy, Barry Obama.

* Posting really has nothing to do with how much traffic a blog gets. Especially when the blog in question ranks as number one or two on Teh Google for a bunch of different chicks NUDE.

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The Internet, On A Disc « The 401st Blow :: Thoughts On Media

The Internet, On A Disc « The 401st Blow :: Thoughts On Media: "- Sent using Google Toolbar"

This is what I need right now. Thanks, Comcast!

Brett Favre's Penis

Dude, come on, you are searching for "Brett Favre's PENIS."

Weirdo.

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RiffTrax MST3K - Lord of the Rings

I cannot wait to see this. I used to love watching these shows.

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A Little Humor

Since the FAILbook will not let me link these two stories for some weird reason, here they are. I found them both hilarious because they both hit really close to home.

A coffee cup story.

You might want to not drink on this next one.

A website design story.

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Draw Muhammad Day - UPDATED!!!

In honor of the Religion of Peace's cult leader, I submit my entry into the Draw Mulehammered Day contest.
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I call this piece of high quality artwork, "Mulehamster and New Bride Check Out Their Bitching New Ride!"

Basil has an interview with Molehammich.

Andy has NUDE PHOTOS of Miss USA and Mornhamling.

Classicaliberal has an entry into photographic history of Mudhagar and his boyfriend Kevn.

Pam Meister has a rendering of the pedophile, Moonraker.

The Jawa Report submits pr0n movies with the prophet, Manhandler.
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Moonbattery has a hip-hop M-Dawg.
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I do not even want to contemplate Dan Collins entry.
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UPDATE: And WTF?!?!?! I want to KILL Innominatus for this one. After I get through puking.

Even Gateway Pundit has joined in the fun!
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UPDATE: Big Hollywood shows how Mo-Harmed's mellow gets harshed.
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UPDATE: Doug Mataconis has the Lars Vilks originals.
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But, Jumping in Pools stays above the fray.

Have a great Draw Mooooolhammit Day!!!

UPDATE: Shocker of all schockers, the Religion of Peace has brought out the Death Threat Ray.....
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Nothing But The Good News, Baby

When Dean from Nonsensible Shoes made his comment this morning, it really hit home. Thanks, Dean, I am really getting too negative lately. I know your comment was tongue in cheek, but still it was right. Then Patrick from Born Again Redneck made the comment about my blood pressure, too. So, nothing but good news today, mmmkay?

RIGHT GIRL IS BACK!!! And it is Topless Wednesday. Yes, this is the second time I have linked this today, but I wanted it to stay at the top of the page, so sue me.

Timbow made a 22 on the Wonderlic!!! In case you are a girl or someone that goes to uSCCC, the Wonderlic is the "Smarts Test" for prospective players that have finished playing real footbaw and are moving on to the Seniors' Tour in the NFL. By the way, I took a sample Wonderlic in 2008. My score was 45 and my dog got a 35.

Have you ever tried to sell something online and failed miserably? Soccer is FOR GIRLS.

Speaking of soccer, The Mayor has some cycle riding fools at his joint, today. Once you see the post, you shall know what I did right there.

I know that you thought that Time Magazine had been headed for the trash heap lately, but not really, they have been headed that way since minimally 1965. Here's an online article talking about how awesome Judge Tom Brady is. Yes, the same DIXIECRAT Tom Brady that always hated black folks. So, yes, Time was a joke when I was ONE YEAR OLD.

Nancy Pelosi shows the whopping brain on her neck. We have to pass ObamaCare so we can see what is in the bill. SAY WHAT???

Cali sets an unemployment record!!! I know some folks that are NOT cheering that, today. Praying for y'all, dude.

Zo Doctor.....



And now, a photo dump....click 'em to see the Big 'Un!

I was talking to a mother of a young boy the other day and she expressed some consternation about the possibility that he could turn out gay. This is a sure-fire way to know if he is.

When you are as outspoken as I am, this shit happens all the damn time.

The Google KNOWS.

Just a research project I am working on.

Seriously, what can you even SAY about this? Well, other than, "Where can I get one?"

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Dang, I am Slowing Down Somewhat

Created by Oatmeal

My old answer was, "You shall die of old age." Now look at me. Under two minutes.

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(Dead) Tommy 5 is on Craig's List

*Click the image to see it full size*

And (Dead) Tommy 5 says, "Come buy these fucking blocks, you morons."

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WTW - Late Night Pseudo-Good Mood

[This was moved back to the top because (Dead) Tommy 5 got sand in his vagina and threw a hissy fit. Look below for newer stuff.]

I got this from Steve Rankin at Southern Crown.

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.

"Hello?"

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Got this one from Clanium. Hats of Meat. It's MEAT!!! And it's a HAT!!!

I think that (Dead) Tommy 5's wife sent this one. "There, I fixed it!"

The Long-Haired, Rock-n-Roll, Hippie Engineer sent these in of the ULTIMATE HUNT MOBILE!!! Yes, Amite County, Mississippi. Insert obligatory "Mother of Invention" comment here. (Please also recognize that three wheeler production was ended somewhere around 1988.)







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Hammering the Point Home

I think that most of us recognize what is happening in the world today, but we always have difficulty putting things together. I have to continually remind myself that NOTHING IS MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE.

Point in case, we simply have to elect to office only the most incompetent people available because people that are motivated, intelligent, and productive do not go into politics. You see how that works?

What about Roman Polanski, the pedophile anal raper, gets arrested in Europe and immediately our New Moron President jets to Europe. I am unsure if Barry wants to go ass-rape chirren with his buddy Roman or if he thinks that he is young enough for Polanski to anally rape him, BUT nothing is mutually exclusive. I think that Barry actually bought into the lie that HE IS YOUNG DAMMIT!!! As if almost fifty is young.

Not only does the New Moron President support anally raping small chirren, but so does the entire power structure in Hollywood. Working in movies and tee-vee = evil. Get it? Did anyone really believe that Woody Allen would NOT support anally raping thirteen year old girls? ANYONE? My friend, Pam Meister, follows up on the Polanski thingy at Big Hollywood.

You only hate the New Moron President if you are white or black, or something.

I am seriously trying to follow the corruption involved with the New Moron President and his buddy, Anthony Mozilo of Countrywide. With the media trying so hard to cover up this overwhelmingly criminal enterprise, things get a little hairy, though. It seems that there might be a Republican trying to find some of this stuff out. Representative Darrell Issa is about to get suicided by the Barry White House, though. RIP, Issa. (I love typing Barry White House.)

If you think that New Orleans sucks, maybe you should read this about Detroit. It took them sixty years to reduce their population by half. Jack-troit only took twenty to accomplish the same thing. Democrat governance is awesome!!! At least Detroit does have the ability to lose more jobs, something that Jack-troit has lacked for years.

And now to the important stuff....

College Gameday, Boston, Flarda State v. Boston College. FUCK ME TO TEARS.

Dawg Sports SEC Power Poll.

A GaTech Leftie sent this BCS trashing article in. He is seriously trying to pull himself from the asininity of leftist groupthink. THE BCS IS BAD AND STUPID.

Tuesday morning Quarterback fisks Monday Morning Quarterback, which is a name blatantly stolen from Sunday Morning Quarterback. (When you click on Andy's link, read the new comments at the top right. Huge star, he is.)

And there is always HUMOR here.

Baby, I'm HONGRY.



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Dropping Some Links

One of things that is actually important to me is ranking higher than JFP on BlogNetNews, an accomplishment that has not happened in a couple of months after owning them for a solid damn year. I have come to realize that I have no clue and there is literally no explanation for the ranking system there. I can have a record-setting traffic week and drop out of the Top 20, but still stay at the top of the Conservative blog rankings. Then I can have a week when I rarely post, my hit count falls to nothing and suddenly, I am the number one political blog in Mississippi again. I am tenth this morning. That just makes no sense at all. Nevermind that this is a humor blog.

Also, I always wanted to rank higher than The Clarion Ledger on Twittah and had always maintained a first place or second place ranking in Jackson, swapping places with iEllie, almost daily. Well, it is obvious that the C-L and WJTV have hired Twittah advisors or something, but still I beat out the C-L this morning. But, THIRD blows.

Well, I know that y'all want to know more about me, but we have a job to do since we have neglected it to the nth degree the last two days while watching the World Trade Center posts and then Tea Party and college footbaw stuff yesterday. Seriously, I have not hit a lick at a snake since Thursday except for the meeting with the blue-hairs yesterday. I suck.

In no particular order, I got to get to work, MAIN. Sorry.

A firsthand account of the Trade Center that day.

Evan Sayet on the Muslim attacks on freedom.

Democrats, terrorists, and your money that was squandered on "STIMULUS."

Homeland Security was how Booooosh took away our liberties, but now? 3.4 BILLION.

Barry's 29th delivery of the very same speech on "healthcare." Condensed. Remember, Obama is an idiot.

Obama's speech condensed, again.

Oddly, the AP pulls a Joe Wilson on the Obamoron's speech.

Democrats roll out an idiot to reply to Joe Wilson. Democrat=Idiot.

In case y'all are unaware, the REAL number of people that are uninsured and cannot afford medical services is TWELVE MILLION. This number represents 0.036% of our population. Great Britain's population that is still not covered with their idiotic plan is FOUR PERCENT. Just saying. For Democrats, the facts SUCK.

What does Britain say about cancer patients? Um, FUCK 'em.

Black conservatives, RACISM!!!! Why in the mortal Hell is it a big deal when a SMART black person speaks? Are the only black folks that are supposed to speak in public supposed to be as dumb as the president? Joe Biden is NOT BLACK.

Barry's former employer and political ally, ACORN, kinda turns the prostitutes out in Baltimore. Oh, and in DC, too. Underage, illegal prostitutes? Oh shit yeah, that is COOL with Barry and ACORN!!!

How do we turn back the idiot tide? Well, quit spending ridiculous money on education.

What about a Communist President starting a trade war with his ideological homeland? If we had a president that loved the United States, we would crush China, but.....

How is that housing market doing since Barry pulled us back from the brink of financial ruin? Well, near record high foreclosures!!! Yay! Barry!

Edward is STREET.

Boomer Sooner.

Twittah Sales Force.

Awkward Family Photos.

Crowder!!


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The Daily Lickskillet

If you are not reading "Lickskillet" daily, you are dead to me. *Click it to see it FULL SKREEM.*

Check it HERE. Daily, or choose dead to me.

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I Find Myself to be a Humorous Sort

Anyone that knows me also knows that I think that I am the smartest, funniest, most attractive human being to ever live. FACTS matter.

Anyhoo, while going through the Reader a few minutes ago, I found myself laughing out loud at a very witty, pithy post that was thoroughly and brutally enjoyable. I scrolled back up to see which genius blog I was reading and IT WAS MINE!!!!!

Narcissism is beautiful.

I am also retarded, because I just wrote the post this morning.

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A College Gameday Post (Not Really!)

We are now a mere 18 days away from College Gameday. As you are well aware, this blog is the main source linked by The Google as your College Gameday headquarters. This college footbaw season, I shall be posting the location for the Four Letter's College Gameday trips, because you never want to be without that information and the actual site IS FLASH!!!! (And we all KNOW how badly Flash sucks.)

Anyhoo, here's the Sunday Link-A-Rama.

If the Blogfather actually finds you important enough to pen a few words about your post, you really do SUCK. Glenn's interpretation is BRUTAL and so very out of character. By the way, I rarely link Instapundit because his blog is mostly a link aggregater anyway, so he should be sending me an e-mail asking if I am okay or off my meds. (Glenn, do not waste the characters, I am going to ignore the e-mail anyway, I have you flagged as SPAM.)

All of y'all know that there is nothing that makes me happy like a TRUE. BLOG. BEATDOWN. Dan Riehl drags out the razor bladed, barbed-wire wrapped 2 x 4 in this one! I virtually cried.

DPUD administers a First Round KO in this one. BUTTHURT.

A reasoned rebuttal from Doug. Unanimous decision.

Patrick takes on the entire Leftist World Body. He goes all in on the Communists.

No Sheeples Here.

Here's a bunch of words that might be silenced in the name of diversity. WTF?

If you were trying to spread a HOAX about some kind of FAULTY SCIENCE, wouldn't you HIDE THE DATA that proves you wrong? The Climatic Research Unit certainly does.

So, even though I never watch or listen to O'Reilly, I still know that he is the kind of leftist that is interested in making money. (YES! O'Reilly is NOT conservative, check him out!) To compare O'Reilly to The Olberdouche really goes beyond the pale. Keith GOT FIRED from The Four Letter. What kinda special idiot gets fired from The Four Letter? Keith.

I have never seen nor read a single Harry Potter movie or book, so I have no clue why he got a tee-vee show. I wish that I didn't have to shave MY face.

More of the Little Wizard Boy.

YAY! Free healthcare! Teeth? Oh, who fucking needs those things?

I lurve me some boycotts! I have been boycotting wimmerns dress shops for my entire life. And for some reason, I have NEVAH stepped foot into a Whole Foods. It must be that I am boycotting them, too!

Do you remember when they were talking about The Obamoron's foreign policy experience? This kid surpasses Barry worldliness and has the certificate to PROVE IT.

Good Lord, I almost coughed up my skull laughing at this. It is simply because I am a racist, too. And here is some EXTREME RACIST FUNNY.

For you women that are looking for the ultimate workout, please get one of these. Use it for a couple of months, then give me a call.

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Let the Profit Taking Commence

Today we launch the MONEY MAKING POWAH of this lower-edge of mediocrity blorg. Our "Beer and Skittles Fund" is located on the right sidebar just below the FAILBOAT staff. We are going to pithy that BaSF section up a tad in coming days. Money is the ONLY reason for living, you know? But, please do understand we shall not be pimping anything that we do not regularly use and even though we drink whiskey in lieu of water and watch pr0n in lieu of reading, there shall never be any of those ads.

All that said, our first sponsor and big financial backer, is none other than BLITZ CORNER, a sports aggreGATOR with news, rumor, and crazy shit about LSU uniforms. Even if they were not paying in excess of ONE MILLION dollars a month, I would still read the site. You should too.

Consider me sufficiently WHORED out for the day.

On to the fashion portion of today's program.

While it is expressly forbidden to attack the children of any politician, except for George W. Bush, something must be said about Barry and Arms' oldest spawn, Malia. When you allow your adolescent daughter to be seen in public wearing something that is utterly idiotarian, that ignores science, mocks religion, and generally is MOONBAT wear, it must be noted. Good Lord, do they not know that nuclear power has experienced a LITTLE PROGRESS since 1959? You might as well drag your rug runner to an ABORTION RALLY if you want to look this stupid.

Not only did they allow her to wear that last one, they allowed her to wear yet another. And G_d only knows what Arms Obama is doing in that second photo, but I shall never say what she looks like. EVAR. That's RACIST! Dammit, that is one FUGLY woman.

Can someone PUH-LEEEZE tell me why a person even needs a six thousand dollar purse? Are you going to carry diamonds and precious gems around in it? Former SLAVE OWNERS piss me off no end, y'all. By the way, who do you believe in a contest between the designer of something and the Obamas? Who do you believe between a steaming hot cow turd and the Obamas?

You know, since Barry even LIES about where he met his DAMN MUD FENCE wife? And guess what? Everyone is coming to realize that Barry is a really bad guy and dumb as his philosophical brethren. 'Bout time, folks. Only four years too late.

B-CZAR-ness.

Do we even want to dip into fisking the news today? Shit, I certainly do not, but I must persevere.

Condom distribution, to kids, DOES NOT WORK to reduce pregnancies! Who knew? Can we please try some sensible methods of teaching? Just ONE SUCH METHOD would make me ecstatic, just ONE. Teachers are some of the dumbest people in the world.

SEA ICE!!!! GONE!!!!! AL GORE WAS RIGHT!!!!! Wait, back up, reverse that. He could not have been more wrong. Well, he could have been on something else, but not on Global Warming.

Remember that T. Boone Pickens plan that I told you folks not to fall for? Guess who else did not fall for it? Yep, T. Boone Pickens in the end. Can someone please tell me that I am smarter than T. Boone Pickens? It's MY BIRTHDAY!

May I be the first to thank Sarah Palin for killing Michael Jackson? Thanks, Sarah! Call me! Ask anyone, I am a really nice guy! (With Al Sharpton pr0n!)

Since I am rapidly coming to the end of today's show, let's briefly touch on the recovery of the economy! Since Barry's plan is kicking ASS! The market is up today almost a WHOLE HALF of a point! Woo Hoo!

RSM did NOT just "Told you so."

Money, wealth, jobby-job pichurs.

National real estate prices continue to fall. (With a sneaky nutpunch to Jim Cramer. By the way, 6038 of 12 real economists HATE, HATE, HATE Jim Cramer. THAT'S MATH!)

C-Nut piles on Goldman.

And in the Thirty Second Round-up of the program, see if you can tell what makes me laugh in these posts.

DANG! That is one tough Love Purse, Darling!

Excuse me, but I am somewhat uncomfortable interviewing you, Mr. Jackson.

"Double down in the Death Pool, folks," so says The Mayor.

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BREAKING NEWS!!!!

Here, READ THIS.

And sorry y'all, I gotta turn the TURING word thingy back on in the Blogger comments section. Spammers galore.

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Microsoft Continues Search FAIL!

Most of y'all are aware that Microsoft just rolled out its new search engine Bing. Today I received my first hit from Bing, "how meany people at the start of the world." Bing sent these misspell-y folks to the blog's front page.

FAIL.

Not only does the search engine NOT work, it also appears to NOT work EXACTLY like Live Search, Microsoft's last failed search engine. Here's the rub, Microsoft is NO LONGER the big boy in the computer technology world, yet dumb people STILL hate them, and at the same time, support the big boy, Google. People are just weird.

Let's check in on the humor and technology file, since we are laughing at Microsoft already.

While Microsoft is busy playing rover on the webbytubes softball team and kicking the ball around while runs score, Google is getting ready to snatch a hot one at third and turn the double play by giving us Wave. Here's six game-changing features of the Google infield.

While Microsoft is concentrating on doing more and more stupid things on the interblogs, they have made GREAT strides in video gaming hardware stuff. The Project Natal Motion Sensing Controller is flat out awesome!

The twelve weirdest Obama novelties.

And finally, the translated version of Star Wars Revenge of the Sith.

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