Friday, March 25, 2011

Avatar - A Movie Review

Well, since I have been back in The 'Sip, I have quickly become exactly who I was before I left. Right down to the not paying a penny to watch movies. Yes, my reviews come a little later than other reviewers, but I do not have to wear clothes to my viewings!

Now, there were plenty of folks that said Avatar was the typical liberal claptrap about hating the United States and our military, anti-capitalism, and a bunch of crystal worshiping bullshit.

THEY WERE RIGHT, but only up to a point. Let's get this done, mmmmkay?

Sigourney Weaver looks just the same as she did in Ghostbusters. Albeit, she is BLUE instead of RED in this movie. Seriously, I have seen a bunch of folks with braces on their teeth and wearing all kinds of dental implements, but never have I witnessed anyone that had teeth that looked as overly orthodontured as Weaver's. How in the mortal Hell does anyone get their teeth to look that freaking FAKE?

Plus, she still doesn't have any curves. What the Hell? Aren't women supposed to put on weight in good places once they start to age? If you took her into the shower and slicked her hair back, she would look just like a ten year old BOY. Now, that I think about it, ALL of the blue people looked like that. Maybe instead of being a granola-crunching libfest, this movie is really about promoting pedophilia?

Anyhoo, the movie was the typical fantasy movie with 90% cartoon action. Now, there have been IDIOTS that said that they wanted to DIE so they could go to Pandora. Ignore the fact that Pandora was a fantasy place FROM A MOVIE. Why imagine dying to go to somewhere when you can see Pandora right here on Earth? Obviously James Cameron did a bunch of SCUBA diving in preparation to film Titanic. Pandora is the Santa Rosa Reef, folks. You don't believe me? Check it out. You might have to scroll down a bit to get past all the BLUE PHOTOS, but seriously, if you could not tell that all that stupid cartoon crap was nothing but jellyfish, maybe you should stay indoors. And humans had to wear SCUBA gear to be there? Good Lord, even those six-legged water buffalo looking animals were Hammerheads. The reason that those people want to DIE to go to Pandora instead of simply diving Santa Rosa is because to actually see that stuff HERE, they would have to go outside and exert actual physical energy. FUCK THAT!!!

Now, if you ignore the fact that Avatar was incredibly boring and stupid, maybe you could get to a critique of the computer generated stuff? Blade Runner's stuff was more interesting and I was not a HUGE fan of Blade Runner. In case you were wondering, Blade Runner came out in 1982, so the computer generated stuff of Avatar, 2009, did not even stack up to that.

So, let's recap the concept, the players, the background, and the technology. You go SCUBA diving, you like the pretty colors, and you want to film a fantasy. You get a bunch of no-names and has-beens to star in your picture so you do not have to pay them anything so you will make an ass-load of cash, you imagine a culture of hillbilly rubes that worship Mother Gaia, and you get a bunch of basement dwelling "Progressive" cretins, who jack off to anime all day long, that you can browbeat on your plantation to put the movie together. That about wraps that whole thing up.

And weird, you pretty much make fun of everyone, ("Progressives," Conservatives, and retarded savages) and I do mean everyone on Earth in the process while making boatloads of dust, too. WIN and WIN!

Now, the plot/story/indoctrination.

Dumb as dirt young man somehow gets crippled. Brother is killed getting robbed. Moron cripple takes smart brother's place in some kind of weird "science" thingy at a money-making operation. Now, the twist. Cripple moron sees that making money is bad and living in trees is awesome. Sounds like Bezerkley, huh?

The only way that someone can grasp the liberal claptrap of drum circles and Kumbaya is to be dumb as dirt. Please keep in mind that Kumbaya is allegedly based on an African spiritual, but that has never been proven. And we all know that Africa is the mostest awesomest place that has all of the things that "Progressives" want. No electricity, rampant starvation, AIDS all over the place, and slaughter. But, the thing Cameron attempts to do with the whole worship the planet thingy contradicts itself so many times as to render the person of minimally average intelligence so confused that he/she/ambiguous other just surrenders and accepts the basic premise. That is cool, THIS IS A MOVIE.

The Blue Folks live in trees, participate in drum circles, do not have any technology, ride on pterodactyls, worship jellyfish, yet STILL Cameron wants you to think that they are more advanced than someone that understands electricity? What "Progressives" fail to even comprehend is that the more advanced a culture or civilization becomes, the MORE humane that culture becomes. An example? ANY THIRD WORLD COUNTRY v. the United States. Ours is a much more advanced culture and we keep those dung-hut-dwelling rubes ALIVE. Another example is that Afghanistan devolved into tribal warlord slaughter even though parts of the country had running water.

Why would anyone make the leap of stupidity to even imagine that the blue people would be anything other than slaughtering savages? OH! That's right, because they believe that the American Indians were not slaughtering savages, thanks to Howard Zinn and countless other useful idiots. I think that is why some folks say that Avatar is Dances with Wolves in space.

No, Avatar is Scooby Doo with killing with jellyfish and dinosaurs.

All that said, Avatar was not unwatchable. Granted, most movies are made for stupid people, by stupid people, with stupid people. This movie entertains the stupid people's target audience, other stupid people, while employing other stupid people. So, if you want to sit down, blow a couple of hours watching stupid cartoon jellyfish and dinosaurs, Avatar will be right up your alley.

And if you go to the library, you can borrow the movie for free and not give Cameron any more money, from what this movie teaches, that is what he wants, anyway.

Final conclusion: Movie is gay and not funny.

Please take the time to comment.


Cousin_Andy said...

Thanks for the review. I wasn't gonna look at it anyway, but appreciate the gay alert.

paul_mitchell said...

The main reason that I looked at it was because everyone screeched about how awesome the special effects were. They lied.