Sunday, April 03, 2005

Bizarro Two Dogs Hijacks the Site!

I have always thought that I was capable of arguing any point no matter how ridiculous it was, so here we go....

At a time when most Americans are terrified of losing their wonderful Social Security Retirement Program, our benevolent government has undertaken the task of ridding us of the one program that is beneficial to us. I have used the mainstream press to try to formulate these opinions so they just might not make sense to a rational thinking human being, so just remember: Right is Wrong, Black is White, and cats love dogs.

You see, Social Security appeared on the scene when ordinary Americans were held hostage by a government of the wealthy, by the wealthy, and for the wealthy, not unlike this current climate perpetrated by the twice appointed George Bush. All the little guy could hope to accomplish was to die before he became a burden to his family. Then we elected the second greatest President that we have ever had. Of course, William Jefferson Clinton is by far the GREATEST PRESIDENT that we will ever have; ever, ever again.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt was this second greatest President. Not only did he pull this country from the quagmire that was the Great Depression (caused by the evil Republicans, Hell-bent on starving everyone that was not wealthy), he also realized the importance of attacking a country, Germany, that posed no immediate threat to our Land of the Free. However, Germany had perpetrated a heinous crime against obviously the most enlightened country in the world, France. This is thought of as a just war, because we really didn't have a dog in that fight, Halliburton thought it was a bad idea, and there was no oil to be had in Europe. (To be honest, I'm not really sure that there is anything in Europe, I think that it might be kinda like that George Lucas created moonwalk thing back in 1969.)

Anyway, having established the fact that Roosevelt was our second greatest President by showing the absolute brilliance of his actions, I shall now show why social security should never be changed. You see, at the time the program was put together, Americans were the dumbest people on the planet. Most never finished high school, which is the perfect example of why they were so stupid. Everyone knows that without a high school diploma, no one can earn more than minimum wage, which is not enough money to support a family of four.

Social Security was designed on the sole premise that Americans are stupid. We can never be trusted to secure our own future because we just simply do not understand how money works. It comes from being the most arrogant species of human ever to live. The amazing thing about this Federal Program is that all of the money that has been relieved from your salary has been "invested" in other programs solely designed to benefit the poor man. You would think that if this money was supposed to pay for a future expenditure, the government would put it aside so the money would be there when it was needed. Kinda like a 'lockbox'. You stupid American, that is why Social Security is needed, because you don't understand how money works.

All that explained to you, now you know that in order to have any money for a future purpose, instead of saving, you MUST immediately spend that money on something else. This thinking is best explained by saying, "If you want to have money to make groceries at the end of the week, you must take that money, go to the bar, and purchased drinks for all of your friends." That concept would have never occurred to you because you are a stupid, stupid American. Sorry, that was redundant.

So, we now know that in order to have money for future retirees, we must never fail to spend that money beforehand, we must never fail to allow the work force that produces that money to get smaller in ratio to retirees year after year, and we must never allow stupid Americans to have any control over any money at all.

Oh, and to make a final point, we should develop a system of Federally subsidized health care so stupid Americans won't have to provide for their own well-being at all.

Class dismissed.




Erik Grow said...

The content of the satirical post is entertaining, but too ludicrous to argue the contents of.

As an aside though, sadly, I would have to say that most Americans DON'T know much about how money works.

Paul Mitchell said...

Well, I did use your team's take on things. Damn hard to argue with an idea as stupid as Social Security.

And I disagree with the comment that most Americans don't understand how money works. That is the difference betwen the Liberal mentality and the Conservative one. Your side thinks that everyone else is stupid and my side realizes that public education has made them that way, if they are.

It only takes one paycheck to realize that entitlement programs are snatching away a good portion of your income unless you're a moron.

Wayne World said...

> I have always thought that I was capable of arguing any point no matter how ridiculous it was

Yea , we figured that much out!

The Bobo Knitter said...

Once again, you hit the nail on the head with this satire. Too bad that people actually think this way. . .

Paul Mitchell said...

Two Dogs kicks the ground, blushes, hands in pockets. "You are too kind."