Saturday, June 04, 2005

Obligatory Beer-Thirty Update

Having just now regained control of my senses and steadied my shaking hands, I figured that I should let y'all in on the comings and goings on the absolute prowess of our little ol' group in Jackson.

Last night will enter the Guinness Book of World Records. Our office attended the Mississippi Braves (AA) game as a group last night and witnessed numerous world records falling by the wayside.

Side Note: NEVER drink Budweiser "E". I liken the experience to drinking cough syrup, but some of the more descriptive analogies include: "Tastes like Mueslix." "Hey, I'm drinking Raisin Bran." "Dammit, I'm going to have to lick my own ass to get this taste outta my mouth." "They should all burn in Hell." and my personal favorite was "Maybe it tastes better coming back up."

The first record that was broken last night was the "Most Idiotic Parking Idea". It seems that the facility over sold the tickets for the event and did not have enough parking for the patrons. Couple that with the fireworks display that appeared to take up at least twenty-five percent of available parking and it makes for a logistical nightmare. After paying four dollars for parking, our foursome eventually just parked on the side of the entry drive. And then the trek to the stadium began.

The second record that was completely demolished was the "Finest Minor League Facility in the World" record. Man, we have a beautiful ballpark with great features, the best of those was the beer vendor every six feet feature. Lines to concessions were long, but miraculously, the beer man had NO LINE AT ALL! Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

The third and most devastating record to fall last night was "The Most Beer Spilled in a Seven Minute Interval" record. Shattering all former records, professional beer-spiller extraordinaire, June, spilled on average 64 ounces of beer every minute for seven minutes at the cost of approximately $32,000.00. Talk about alcohol abuse. Congrats June, and welcome to the traditional Beer-Thirty lunacy. Please come back.

Finally, the fourth record to fall was the "Oh My G_d, How Loud Can Fireworks Be" record. Having virtually no hearing at all due to a childhood accident, I was still damn near frightened to death at the sheer decibel level of the explosives. They were pretty, but damn, do they have to be that loud? Kids were crying and running for the exits. It looked like the Who show in Cincinnati back in 1979. Scared Hell outta me, too.

Also, it seemed that there was chili in the air, everyone got some on their clothes and we never figured out where it was coming from. I accidentally whacked Teeeerrrrr with a bat on his shinbone so hard it brought tears to his eyes. (He's going to kill me on Monday, nice knowing y'all) Then there was a mix-up heading to the cars and we almost left him.

Anyhoo, the Braves won, bigtime. We had a good time and I fully plan on going back many times this Summer. Note to self, never whack a body-builder on the shinbone with a bat.

Oh, and keep those letters coming for Ask Dr. Akeith. The first slew of letters and answers will be posted on Monday night. Judging by the questions received, y'all are some SICK, SICK puppies. Relax, help is on the way.

UPDATE: Welcome to all from the Carnival of Comedy. Frontpage is HERE.


Paul Mitchell said...

Oh quit it. We tried the Budweiser "E' thinking that it would make us drunk and awake. It was absolutely the worst stuff ever.

Anonymous said...

that was only the begining of the night for me.
good times in Jack-town!

Anonymous said...

Budweiser "E"! There goes your chance of ever becoming "Yoda".

Paul Mitchell said...

Never, ever drink that shit, Wharfrat. And T-mack is the one that said, "Maybe it tastes better coming back up." I almost found out from laughing about that one.

Anonymous said...

You should know not the listen to him. How long have you known each other. Following T-Mack's suggestion on beer is on the same lines has going to "J-Boy" for relationship advise.

Paul Mitchell said...

We have all known each other since 1997, almost ten years. Ain't that some shit?

Paul Mitchell said...

Imara, you are invited as my guest to our next Beer-Thirty tomorrow night. I believe that we shall make it a special one in your honor.