Sunday, December 18, 2005

An Idiot's Guide to the Bill of Rights-Amendment Four

Here's the fourth installment of Read the Constitution, Dumbass!

Amendment Number Four: The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Probably the most misunderstood of all the amendments contained in the Bill of Rights, but I shall tackle this one too.

Most hippies think that this means that you can do anything at all in your own home. Well, it doesn't. Most thinking people understand that if you come home in your Trans-Camaro with seventy-two boxes of cold medicine, you are probably up to no good. And trust me, Kemosabe, there are plenty of people in the trailer court that are keeping an eye on you and your mullet.

You see, the po-lice really do have to prove probable cause when they pull you over, but it is relatively simple to do. If you have a Gore bumper sticker, that is a good indication that you are a mouth-breather and probably are holed up at home with a fat spliff.

Even better still, if you have a Panic sticker on your Microbus, chances are really good that you are dining on the field parasols and are what they call "freaking out" right now.

Oh, the Amendment means that Johnny Law has to have a reason to bust in your door, go to a judge and get what is known as a "Search Warrant", and then come kick the door down. Remember the key word here is "unreasonable". I'm guessing that is pretty easy to get around when the police and the judge get their check from the same place.

If you understand anything that I am talking about, pay no attention to the guy on the pole across the street, he's probably just turning off your cable. But why is his van unmarked?