Sunday, February 05, 2006

An Idiot's Guide to the Bill of Rights-Amendments Seven and Eight

And from the vault of "How Can You Feed Yourself, Hippie?" comes the continuation of the Bill of Rights.....

Amendment Number Seven: In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

I think that this amendment has to have been updated. I just can't see that anyone would go to court over twenty dollars, except for my mother that drives to seventeen different Walgreens to find a pack of gum that is on sale for eight cents off.

Anyhoo, this amendment means that if you have a civil suit worth more than twenty dead presidents, you can get a jury. I wonder what the jury would think if you made them sit through four hours of hearings for twenty bucks? I bet they would give the chair and I personally feel they would be jusitfied in their decision.

Amendment Number Eight: Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

Even the most coked up lunatic can probably understand this. Bail is set according to the crime for which the defendant is charged, his ability to pay, and the flight risk. This means if you are charged with the rape of a six year old boy, and are a millionaire, bail will be set at seven (7) dollars.

In the same vein, if you are an unemployed, black man charged with selling a little ghanja, there will be no bail. You will stay in jail until trial.

I do understand that cruel punishment thing to mean that no one will be subjected to naked pictures of Rosie O'Donnell, but I just don't know what "unusual" means. I guess that means that no one will be required to a fellate a blind, albino midget riding a shetland pony. In my mouth, I up threw a little.