Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Lasagna - The Two Dogs Way!

Every time that Bean and I are together, I cook a bunch of stuff to keep her from surviving on nothing but Skittles. She is twenty-three and did not do the obligatory kitchen apprentice work under her grandmother's tutelage. Damn kids. This visit, I cooked Lazy-Man Lasagna. It is quite easy, but I have pointed out my mistakes in the process. If you cook this, HEED my damn warnings, yo'.

You need:
* One bunch of damn lasagna noodle pasta stuff
* 1.5 pounds lean ground beef (I always use ground round or the most expensive damn meat I can find.)
* 1 big can of spaghetti sauce (I think it's 22 ounces.)
* 2 inches of tube sausage (Ha! Bean eats turkey so it really didn't work so well.)
* 2 eggs
* 32 ounces shredded cheese (Mozzarella/Parmesan mix is good.)
* 2 tubs of ricotta cheese (Do NOT eat this crap! I cannot stress that enough!)
* Some green stuff, like parsley or something flaky and green. (Must be green!)
* Whatever other crap you just dump into everything you cook

Here we go, plan to spend about an hour and a half because you know you forgot something at the damn store.

1. Brown the ground beef and sausage, add some green stuff. I like to do this really fast because the meat is going in the oven. No sense in cooking it too damn long, you are a man, remember? 2. Kiss Bean on the forehead, it tastes like chocolate! And remember, men NEVER shave on the weekends. Man Law. 3. Spray Olive Oil! Live it up, baby! Oh, that's the damn dish this crap is going in the oven in. 4. Boil noodles, with about three metric tons of salt. (Oh, yeah, you need salt, too. That should be on that list up there, oh well.) Remember, don't break the noodles up, you are making lasagna. They don't have to fully cook either. Some folks say that you don't even have to boil them for lasagna, those folks are dead wrong and have become my lifelong enemies.

5. Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit, not Celsius, I did use Celsius one time and melted a Pyrex bowl. This was when my oven was made of asbestos, by the way. 6. Make display with your cheeses on your counter that is too small. 7. Make another display with the eggs and the bowl, along with the toaster that Bean bought this morning. Who the Hell needs a toaster? 8. Remember suddenly that the noodles were boiling and take them out with your hand to cool (flat dammit!) on a piece of foil. (You probably need foil, too. Add that to the list.)

9. Look at can. 10. Put contents of said can in meat skillet. Make it messy, do not drain the fat off the meat, you bought the good stuff and it ain't got no fat. 11. Mix all the cheeses, eggs, more green stuff, and salt in bowl. 11A. DO NOT EAT THIS, IT TASTES LIKE SHIT! 12. Always rinse stuff and place in dishwasher while you are cooking. That way there is not too much for Bean to clean up and we can go our fat selves to sleep right after eating.

13. Mix all contents in bowl. 13A. I am warning you, if you eat this, you are going to be mad. 14. Make a pretty layer of that wonderful meat stuff in the bottom of your baking dish thing. Inhale the aroma. Thank G-d that you are a man and eat meat. 15. Overlap the flattened noodles over the meat stuff. 16. Spoon that obnoxious cheese vomit out onto the top of the noodles. I am warning you about that flava'.

17. Mo' meat, mo' noodles. You can actually do this as many times as you desire. It was just Bean and me, so I didn't go nuts like I usually do. 18. Mo' vomit. Top this layer with noodles, sorry, I forgot that photo. 19. Tho' the thing in the oven and forget it for a couple of whiles. It is done when you see the noodles in the center are kinda wavy and bubbling. Mine took about forty minutes. 19A. That is what happens when you do not boil your noodles first. My pan was about one inch too long for the noodles when the layers made it to the top. 20. You must let this crap cool for about ten minutes before you cut it, otherwise it turns to Chili-Noodles. That is not too good for presentation work. Oh, and throw some more green stuff on the top. Bean sprinkled some on the plate to make it appear nice.

Understand, first and foremost, you are a man. There is only one reason that you are cooking and that is for the sex that comes from you serving her a good meal. I actually fried corn to go with this. I made the mistake of raking the corn off of the cutting board with my hand and it was too sweet for me to eat after it touched my skin. Oh, always buy a bag of that Ceasar salad to go with this, too. We just got lettuce, croutons and other stuff and I made the salad myself, but that is NOT the man way. Oh, what the Hell, I got a little "flouncy" in me.

Please take the time to comment.


Skunkfeathers said...

LOL...anytime I attempt to cook, my smoke detector is set to autodial the fire department, and with a fully-charged fire hose, order me to back away from the kitchen slowly...

Fortunately, I have a good Italian restaurant nearby, with excellent lasagna on the menu. In fact, I should take some storm chasing; bet the tornado would like it, too LMAO...

benning said...

Lasagna is good, and your recipe looks tasty. But I tend to throw some meat in a dish, sprinkle it with seasonings and let it cook. Less fuss.

And more time to sip my beer and read blogs! LOL

Paul Mitchell said...

Benning, it was really for the sex! I, too, enjoy that tasty dish meat.

benning said...