Monday, April 07, 2008

Why I Choose NOT to Carry a Firearm

Quite simply because I would be unable to keep myself from USING it to resolve conflicts. I would go broke from purchasing ammunition, there are so many prime targets. And you would get to see my picture plastered all over the interwebs with a damn S.W.A.T. team surrounding me as I lay on the ground, with bullet holes all in me, just because my order was wrong at McDonalds. (Yeah, we sure do need to raise minimum wage, it's vital to the working poor.) I admit that I just simply do not like people. It is a bad character flaw, too. (Really, I am unrepentant.)

As most people know, we had a bit of a dustup in the Bold New City on Friday. (Yes, that actually IS the city's motto or whatever the Hell you want to call it.) Electricity has not been restored to all areas. Electricity is necessary for proper functioning traffic lights. Morons drive only when there are problems with traffic or when particularly in a feisty mood.

I can actually picture this conversation happening.

"You know Mildred, the power ain't on in Jackson."

"Well, Hank, let's load the seventeen chillun' up in the Rambler and roll around town to see the damage."

People, when the traffic signals do not work, roll up to the light and stop, check the traffic from ALL directions, proceed in the order that you arrived at the intersection. This ain't friggin' rocket science. Sure, it slows things down a bit, but damn, two hours to get from one side of town to the other? Insane.

The amazing thing that I experienced was that when actually coming to an actual, actual, actual four-way stop, that doesn't have a damn traffic signal, the moron family had trouble navigating through that as well. What makes this so difficult? Oh, that's right, y'all are idiots.

Oh, and when the damn power is not on, the gas pumps do not work either. I counted at least thirty cars parked on the side of the road. Wonder why?

"Hey, let's load the kids up and go to the gas station!"

"But, we don't have any gas."

"Let's go get some."

Damn. Damn. Damn.

Pick a peeve, what 'cha got?