Thursday, December 25, 2008

A Christmas Story

A blog friend of mine had a trainwreck Christmas and his comments reminded me of a funny Christmas story. Well, it's funny NOW.

My father and I do not speak. Haven't for about five or six years now. How that came about is that he is a friggin' TURD. After he and my ma were married, he kicked the shit out of her and my sister all the time. Big man, big man. I guess I was too small too be a punching bag up until the time that I was about four. Then that all changed. My mother was retarded for putting up with it for so long, but she wouldn't have had my awesome ass if she woulda quit him before 1964, you know. Que sera on the deddy beatdowns, it made me realize a bunch of stuff at an early age about love and who you care about. Most people would blindly go forward and simply state, "He's my dad, I love him even if he is a bad guy! He's my dad."

That statement is stupid, folks. I fall firmly on the side of justice and I never offer my love to people that do not deserve it simply because of who they are. People must earn my love and respect. Now, the story.

Back in 1985, I met a girl that I thought hung the moon. Bunches of folks told me that she was no damn good and that I was stupid for dating her, even the guy that introduced me to her. That should have given me a damn clue, but I was young and stupid.

Anyhoo, we wound up at the church in late December 1986 to be wed. My father was my "best man." He did not show up for the rehearsal, he did not show up for the dinner, he did not show up until very late that night and threw a friggin' hissy fit at the hotel because they had already given his room away. I got him another.

The next day at the church, he was even late getting there for the ceremony and I had even gotten another one of my groomsmen to be the stand-in to be my best man. (He had done the walk-through the night before so he was prepared.) My father showed up right when the rest of us were heading into the church.

By the way, sorry Gnutcase that y'all had to wear those plaid bow-ties and cucumber-buns. <--inside joke, y'all. But, it was Christmas-y.

When my future bride started in the back of the church, my father leaned over to me and said, "Dammit, she looks like a whore." Swear.

Even though he turned out to be right, he could have held on to that thought for the rest of his life and kept his friggin' mouth shut, but he didn't. Trust me when I say that was the beginning of the end of my association with that douche nozzle. Of course, it took quite a few more years for me to come to grips with the fact that my father is just no damn good.

But, after the wedding, my new bride and I went to do the Christmas thing with my family. We stayed in my father's guest house. The first day there, when I was getting out of the shower, the mirror (four feet by eight feet) fell off of the wall and shattered into a million pieces. I had to walk over the glass to get out of the bathroom. Barefoot.

Then after the usual family Christmas ritual, where my grandmother makes her two kids cry every stinking year, the bride and I headed to Gulf Shores for the honeymoon. While there, we both ate a shitload of oysters and got food poisoning. We saw the warning on television immediately after consuming enough to feed the entire cast of the Debbie Does Dallas series. We stayed deathly ill the whole week we were there. Two exits, NO WAITING!

Just so you know, I still blame my father for the whole fiasco and I'm cool with it. Also, my ex-brother in law called me this past Saturday to remind me that if his sister and I had stayed married, we would have been celebrating our twenty-second anniversary that day. We laughed like crazy people about that. He's a pretty good guy.

And I certainly wish that I had gone to spend Christmas with my grandmother this year because seriously she is the funniest thing that I have ever seen. I have no clue why my ma and her brother don't like being called "fat" and why exactly that it makes them cry. My grandmother is 88 years old and still drives, still mows her five acre yard herself and is about five feet tall and one hundred pounds soaking wet. And she's mean as Hell and I love her to death. Plus, neither my mother nor her brother are fat. Funny.

Can you top my worst Christmas?

Please take the time to comment.


Dee said...

Gosh, 2D, that was a sad Christmas story. It sort of explains your crabbiness.
You come on so strong and mean but inside, you are just looking for love, just like the rest of us.
Fortunately for me, I met my husband when we were teenagers and we have been married our entire adult lives. We now have 2 grown sons and 2 g-sons.
I like your blog and your stories. I might keep reading your blog.
Now be nicer to me and try to understand my perspective instead of just yours. We both might learn something!

Paul Mitchell said...

Dee, I am not crabby in the least. I am tired of paying for bad government. I became self-employed last year to try to keep what I made and this year, I shall stand with my hand out and receive my Earned Income Tax Credit like all the other people that produce and contribute nothing.

The story is terribly funny these days, Dee. At the time, not so much. My choices in the past were stupid and I learned from them in the most harsh manner that can be taught. I did not make the same mistakes twice. Love is easily produced and gained, respect and mutual understanding are harder to find and keep.

Congrats on your marriage and spawning excellence, them kiddies are a joy. But, thank goodness mine is 19 and on his own now. No, he can never spend the night in my house ever again.

Dee said...

I am so close to my sons and g-sons.
Males are different than females.
They love to flip channels, love football, never ask for directions and like to have the last word. They are not huggy and do not like to shed a tear in public, but are really teddy bears on the inside. I notice it in all the men in my life.
You sound the same.

Paul Mitchell said...

Dee, I never cry. I have no reason to perform that bodily function, my life is too good. Yes, I am very emotional, but my emotions have meaning, something most people cannot state.

I get angry when money is stolen from me to give to deadbeats and drug addicts that spawn helpless children because of their stupidity. I feel sadness when a child is raped by an evil man. I feel confused when great numbers of people surrender their lives to a single man and depend upon him for their sustenance. And I feel utter rage when someone attempts to remove my God-given freedoms because they think I do not possess the intelligence to be responsible for my own actions.

That said, I like puppies, too. But, not kitties.

Dee said...

We have a Golden Retriever. A good boy named Butch. He is so lovable and loyal. He is getting kind of old. We got him as a puppy in 1977. He sleeps in our room and is by my side right now and each evening, even when hubby goes bowling on some nights.

I also get angry at violence. All the Hate Crimes make me first sad, then angry, then wishing for a way all of these crimes could be stopped. But then, I feel that way about ALL crimes.

I also get angry at Drug Use! I dont know why it happens although I do know a few people that have abused drugs or alcohol. I dont blame them. I view it as a weakness.

I think if I had not been lucky enough to meet my husband (and he was lucky too) at a young age, who knows what would have happened and who knows what choices I would have made.

You might call me a knee jerk liberal, but I wish for Peace and for ALL of us to get along.
I do not know the answers for the big issues we have. I wish I did. I do not want open borders, but given we have 12M here and we let them in and exploited them, I do not agree that mass deportation is the way to solve this.

If nothing else, stop all the gd racial profiling for Heavens Sake! And the Hate Crimes! Be nice to Latinos. We are people too. And most of us are hard working and very nice and we join the Military!! And we Love America!!! And our Families!!

Paul Mitchell said...

Dee, racism is stupid. Committing crime is stupid. The two are not the same stupidity. Crime is crime, hatred is hatred. You can never stop crime completely, but singling out crimes because of racism is fomenting crime for other reasons to reduce the criminal's sentencing. Do you see the truth in that?

"No sir, I didn't kill him 'cause he was gay! I am gay, too!"

Dee, we depart ways on your use of the term "Hate Crime." I am unaware of anyone ever committing crimes of love, indifference, or disinterest.

Racial profiling to solve crime is also known by another term, a description of the suspect. To ignore the race of a perpetrator of a crime is to ignore a MAJOR part of the description. This is necessary information. As a matter of fact, it should be the first term used when describing anything.

My friend Flip: black, 6'3" tall, 190 pounds.

My truck: Blue GMC Sonoma with the stepside, you get the picture.

The people that hijack planes are of Arab descent, male, usually between 20-35. That is not racial profiling. I have no idea how to see religion, but if that were possible, nailing the terrorists would be much easier, because they are 100% Muslim.

You may call me a knee-jerk Conservative, but I too wish for world peace and for all of us to get along. However, I know that as long as there is evil in this world, that goal is unattainable. Completely. I am also known as a rational man, that means that I refuse to see things as what I hope them to be, I see them for what they are. That is why I said that Bush was the second best President in my lifetime.

I am certainly so glad that you are happily married, chances of you committing any crime are reduced exponentially because of that, too. But, I guess that is Relationship Profiling to you, huh? Does that fall under hate crime as well?

Paul Mitchell said...

Yes, there are those reasons of bigotry that are the instigators of crime, and when you prosecute because of that, you allow the sentence for other crimes to be reduced, Dee. That is the problem with trying to offer unequal rights for specific groups, you lose all sense of morality and legitimacy. But those of you that want special protection, above and beyond the Constitutional Rights, do not think far enough ahead to realize the exact consequence of your pet projects. Only those that can be proven to attack victims because of the victim's skin color, sexual deviancy, or beliefs are going to be charged, the rest of us shall become prey because of a stupid concept and never be avenged. Criminals will begin to confirm their victims particulars before they attack. Think past breakfast, please.

Timothy McVeigh was not a terrorist, he was a mass murderer. He was not a member of any particular group that specialized in that act. Completely different. He had a personal grievance against the Fed, as we all do, he just followed through with his lunacy. NOT. A. TERRORIST.

There is no other reason for what you call racial profiling other than reducing crime or arresting a suspect. Oddly, minorities perpetrate crimes at a much higher percentage than "whites," soooooooo........terrorists are NOT eighty year old Asian women, YET. but, with your philosophy, they shall soon be paid handsomely enough to become the criminals. Again, your concepts return the exact opposite of what we all seek.

Dee said...

But I do have to admit, I do like chatting with you!
I hope you have a nice New Years!
Have a toast on me!
I will do the same for you!

Paul Mitchell said...

If only women WERE in the minority! In your scenario, profiling would lead us to heterosexuals. I am trying to figure out how to profile that, but I just got nothing.

Involvement in a militia is guaranteed alongside gun ownership in the Second Amendment. Dee, yours is an over broad generalization regarding McVeigh. He was an anarchist, which means that he was a far right Democrat. (Yes, Democrats by definition are either far left, socialists, or far right anarchists. Republicans by definition are the very center.) So, I am guessing that you advocate arresting all Democrats? We definitely agree on that, maybe I can afford to send my kid to med school now.

Your statement about minorities lacking the intelligence to perform higher skill jobs was extremely racist and hurtful to my Native American heritage. Take it back. <--this is a joke, in case you do not know it, but I am 25% Cherokee.

Dee, I thoroughly enjoy a debate with anyone that is willing to undertake it. An active mind allows everyone to reach common philosophical ground, as long as they admit that I am correct.

And yes, if someone harms the wimmen in my neighborhood, they have a beatdown coming.