Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Dr. Akeith Responds

When you thought that you would simply go crazy with anticipation, Dr. Akeith returns. We have been remiss in answering these pleas for help, but as always, Dr. Akeith comes through for this week's suffering person.

Here we go....

Letter #1

Dear Dr. Akeith,
I am a single man in my late twenties and I am uptight around women. I like women, but I just don't know how to act when they are around. When I meet a woman, I just get can't get up the nerve to talk to her or if I do, I just say stupid things.

I really want to meet that special someone and get married, have children, and all the picket fence stuff, but I just don't know how to get that.

Is there any hope for me to find that special someone?

Lonely Dude

The Doctor is IN!

Hell, Lonely Dude, I got the perfect woman for you, yeah , it's Mrs. Dr. Akeith. Here it is, you can have my wife. Being being married ain't always what it's cracked up to be. Trust me, you get married and you'll morph from being 'Lonely Dude' to being "Lonely, broke, cut your boys loose, have your ass home before the street lights come on, never getting sex dude". Sorry for venting on you dude, but you asked for it, so here it goes.....

The first thing that people always say is that it's the places you hang out, but I disagree because the same women are everywhere. The woman that you saw at the bar is the same woman buying pork bellies at the supermarket. It's not the places, it's the attitude. A woman's attitude is different when she is at the club than when she is at the market or the park.

We guys usually do things in reverse when it comes to dating or picking up girls. Say you have a scenario where you meet a girl, would you (A) rather meet her in the market or (B) in the club? The more sensible place would likely be (A). When you first meet the girl in a calm place, let her see the real you and then you take her to the club, get her drunk and it's all downhill from there.

Also, Lonely Dude, you might want to pay attention to what women are interested in and when I say "women", I don't mean the "ladies" that you find at your local rump-shaking ranch. All these women want is your wallet, not conversation. You need to get in touch with your sensitive side. A good way to accomplish this is to make up some tragic story of something that happened to you, 'cause women just love a tear-jerking story. Meanwhile, you just reel her in.

Finally, if all else fails, go to the local pound, get a dog, get a sports car, and ammo up 'cause when they start coming, you don't want to run outta bullets.

Dr. Akeith

Keep those e-mails coming folks and don't be afraid to comment, we promise that it wasn't you that wrote in. Really, it wasn't.

(ED. Note: For you super romantic guys, make your lady-friend some Prison Wine. Steve from The Sneeze offers his family recipe. And Steve offers up some gourmet FOOD as well. This is your drink warning, look out Oddybobo.)

UPDATE: The Carnival of Comedy is up at IMAO. Let's give the other posters some good feedback.