Thursday, December 13, 2007

The Mitchell Report - The Two Dogs Way (Update III)

Okay, here's what I have to start this little crap thing out with: Chuck Knoblauch used steroids! My goodness, he is all of 5'-9" and 175 pounds, why did no one see that he was all 'roided up? If you want to call them "performance enhancing," then I guess to you, enhanced performance is the ability to launch a baseball from the general vicinity of second base into the fourth row of the stands while attempting a throw to first base. Yes, Steroid Chuck, as he is to be known from this point forward, did this many times. Who paid for this report and why? If I find out that one damn cent of my tax money went to this crap, I am going to come unhinged.

Yes, I have the report, if you want it, shoot me an e-mail. Am I going to read it? Probably, when I have trouble sleeping, I will put on my double album of "Man on the Moon," the complete recording of the 1969 lunar landing and crack open the report. I might never awaken. I have already read the contents and there appears to be a naming process between pages 89 and 109 where Senator Mitchell (Dumbass-ME) actually points out the players that we already suspected, but damn Chuck Knoblauch? It might as well be David Eckstein! Bad at baseball? You are a steroid user, damn you!

After a cursory glimpse of the contents page, I can only assume that the vast bulk of the report is written in "governmentnese." Geez, it has all kinds of references to "adequate funding" and crap like that. Like MLB is ever going to have adequate funding as long as the OWNER of the Brewers is running the show, dammit, Bud Selig? Only an imbecile could come up with George Mitchell to run a committee to explore the extents of steroid use in baseball. He was a damn Senator, that means that he is a moron and his successor to his seat is none other than Olympia Snowe, gee, thanks George!

You know most of us take a look at Bruce Banner and see a mild mannered dude that all of the sudden blows up to a big green dude, that is what we perceive, but George rather than talking about the big green monster, talks all Al Gore on us and makes even the teacher hate his guts. (Image stolen from HERE and it is damn funny.)

Dammit, if anything comes of this Mitchell Report other than people turning all Walker-Texas Ranger on Bud Selig, I am going to boycott every player that is NOT on this list. Bud Selig, you and George Mitchell need to go sit in the corner and practice mutual masturbation or fluff each other, I hate y'all.

UPDATE: Ev called during his nightly dog walking tasks and informed me that our government paid for the Mitchell Report. I cannot believe it and cannot find any financing from Congress in the record.

Also, I refuse to throw The Rocket under the bus. Don't try to make me, 'cause I won't. And I still like Barry, too.

UPDATE 2: I guess that I will just keep updating here. I have completed reading the 39 page summary of this report and must conclude that I could have assembled this summary in a total of three minutes from newspapers and watching ESPN, there are no new revelations. It is 100% of a cut-paste job written by, none other than, Captain Obvious. There is not SHRED of new information that I have not known since being able to walk and talk, six hundred years before the invention of baseball. Who paid for this and why did they get George Mitchell to do it?

UPDATE 3: The AP refers to this report as "earthshattering" which literally translates into non-moron language as "having an infinitesimal impact."