Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Wellllll, That's Surprising!

Most intelligent people knew that there would be widespread corruption and illegal voting for Democrats in the general election, but most thought that the Democrat primaries would be held with little problems. Well, those folks would be wrong.

It seems that the corruption has been so widespread in the primaries that the Democrat Party "Secretary General" (he prefers that title to "Chairman") Howard Dean announced this morning that there is no chance that Barry Obama can make up the difference in the delegate lead so far. WTF? Me thoughts that Barry was leading, I was wrong. As a matter of fact, I was badly wrong in my assumption that Barry was leading Hillary 1628.5 to 1500.5, just yesterday. A Democrat candidate needs 2023.5 delegates to win. How they come up with half a delegate only morons know, that's the Democrat Party for you.

Dean announced the projected tabulations as Hillary leading 1873 to 1256. Okay, that's weird. He also made mention of a problem regarding Barry's eligibility and stated that we would know something later on in the week regarding that problem. The word from the rumormill is that Barry has a snag in his "marriage" and it stems around the assumption that he might have three too many wives. Dean emphasized that is NOT against Senator Obama's Muslim religion.

One further glitch is that since he is actually NOT a citizen of this country, the multiple wives might not be a problem legally, but NOT being a citizen definitely is. While trying to get McCain disqualified because of being birthed out of this country's borders, even though it was on a military installation to an active service member and his native wife, Democrat Committee members stumbled across the records of Barry actually applying for diplomatic immunity and requesting political asylum in Pakistan. They admitted that Obama was mighty young when he did that (he was thirty-six) but Barry has always possessed a mental acuity a lot younger than his actual age. Clinical psychologists placed Barry's 36 year old mind and intellectual comprehension at a level equaling a normal seven year old. (Personally, I think that is overly optimistic.)

Michelle Obama is quoted as saying, "This is exactly why I hate the United States so much. When Barry told me that we were relocating to Pockiston, I was elated that we could be with other Muslims that hate America with the same passion as we do."

Senator Robert Byrd (Dumbass-WV), the unanimous conscience of the Democrat Party and the love of Barbara Boxer's life, was quoted saying, "I am certainly glad that we finally gonna git rid of that n*****. Our party has gone to Hell in a handbasket since we gave them the right to vote. Where's my rope? Toby, boy, go git my rope!" After giving his statement, Byrd promptly urinated all over himself and was escorted from the room by three men wearing tall, pointed, white hats, who were identified only as "superdelegates." Hillary Clinton's shoes were spotted hanging from one of the "superdelegates" backsides.

Dean said, "We know that ours is the party of inclusiveness, but we cannot allow our candidate to be a citizen of another country, even IF every country on the planet is leading ours in every statistical positive where records are kept. That citizenship is the only thing that our party lawyers cannot find the legal loopholes that allow us to circumvent the law as we always do. Since the Constitution is somewhat vague on the exact requirements for President, we think that while Senator Obama actually lost his Consitutional rights when he was convicted of treason, the Ninth Circuit Court will still find the legal precedent to allow his candidacy. The other legal problems that Senator Obama are experiencing can be challenged and defeated by our legal experts. Attorney Richard "Dickie" Scruggs will try those cases from the onset in Mississippi, when he gets out of prison and wins his case to get his law license reinstated. We have yet to have the opportunity for a private meeting with the judge regarding that case."

Dean also stressed that since Obama was born in 1961, the Democrat Party was "taking applications for qualified Black male candidates born in that year to run for President, since in our vapid Democrat brains, skin color is the single most important characteristic in a candidate, other than a vagina or as I like to call it, a Love-Purse." (Please remember, Dean IS a medical doctor, so that is the anatomical terminology used by doctors.)

Dexter Scott King, Eddie Murphy, Isiah Thomas, Dennis Rodman, Carl Lewis, Eric Dickerson, Wynton Marsalis, and a whole slew of "Love-Pursed Americans" are all being considered according to reports. Surprisingly every single one of these people possess higher intelligence than Obama by a minimum of forty IQ points.

At the end of the press conference this morning, the people left in the room simply started banging on their thousand typewriters while scientists tried to ascertain if anything of any intelligence was being typed. Preliminary conclusions of that study will be made available by the end of April. Predictions are not favorable.

Please take the time to comment.


Skunkfeathers said...

As the leftist dope opera continues, next on As The Stomach Spews: the world learns from anonymous high white horse souses that Hildebeest is actually the love child of Robert Byrd and Hattie McDaniel, and Obama's half-sister, twice removed for smashing lamps. While Bill's found his 69th Monica to stain dresses and do the cigar stank with, and Howie Dean works on his Dean Scream for '12...

Paul Mitchell said...

There you are. And today's news on your candidate Hillary is that she was fired from the Watergate team for lying and changing house rules to deny Nixon council.

Your plot thickens, sir.