Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Teh Google Updates and 'Round the InnerTubes

It's that time of the week and there has been muches and bunches of stuff that has happened since we last spoke. It seems that it is becoming increasingly difficult to keep up with all the stuff that Teh Google is rolling out, too. They must have a bunch of stuff in the works and unlimited Benjamins with which to do the rolling out.

Let's get started!

The first thing that I wanted to pass along is the new social media browser that hit the sKreets this past week. I received an invitation to RockMelt and was about to give it a whirl when I saw a post from the most renown technical blogger I know. Basil is trying out RockMelt and will post about it soon. If Basil is not on your reader, you are living in Muslim Times. Enjoy your ignorance.

Technorati released the State of the Blogosphere 2010 this past week. We are NOT number one on the web, either. SHOCKA!!! We do, however, possess an authoritAY of 507 and a rank of 3807. (What the Hell does that mean exactly?)

As long as we are not totally on Teh Google, why not check out some Firefox add-ons to enhance TEH GOOGLE!!! Some of these skins are tres cool, too. Technology is so very KEEN. (What the Hell does that mean exactly, too?)

Next up, if you are a HUGE online business magnet like me, then you have certainly done your homework on Teh Google Local. You know that the phonebook is utterly dead and you know that if you are looking for something, you just go to Teh Google. There is a new Teh Google ratings portal called Hotpot that they are pushing. Go sign up and help the cause. Who knows, if we all start using it, and never use the phonebook, we might save some trees and they can suck up all that CO^2 that is causing man-made global warming. Plus, if we end man-made global warming, there will be no reason to have "Progressives" anymore. You did not know that it was the phonebook's fault for that, didja?

Teh Google Website Optimizer has come in handy these past few weeks as we ramp up traffic to ridiculous levels. You should optimize your site, too. For some reason, that sounds kinda filthy when I just typed it.

Here are some keyboards shortcuts to help out with Teh Google Instant. Search is getting awesomatic again!

Well, everywhere other than at Ask.com.

But, at the same time, you get a new feature, you lose a few features. I think that is a feature bug. Get it? A feature bug, I am belly laughing right now.

G-Mail's homepage has gotten an upgrade of sorts. Since I rarely see the log-in screen because I never get off the interblarqs, that kinda doesn't apply to me.

AdSense has got a new interface as well. In Teh Google's e-mail to us POWAH USERS today, they said, "Last week we began rolling out the new AdSense interface in beta to all of our publishers, and wanted to let you know that it has been enabled for your account. Inspired by direct feedback from you, our publishers, the new interface includes features designed to help you make more money with AdSense by giving you more actionable performance data, offering you more control over the ads that appear on your sites, and helping you manage your account more efficiently. The new interface makes it easy to quickly see your earnings and payment information, find relevant features, and make changes to your account." In related news, I made ZERO dollars today on AdSense. Thanks, y'all. Christmas is going to be awesome for all the needy children I sponsor. I'll tell them that y'all said that they were fat and didn't need any more FOOD for Christmas. Last year, Little Timmy cried when I gave him a loaf of bread and a hunk of Velveeta.

At least Teh Google AdSense now has a Polack blog, though. Insert your own "At least the Polacks HAVE a computer, unlike those Religion of Peacers" humor here.

By the way, Teh Google Boost, the local ad platform is rolling out to new United States cities. Sadly, Mayonnaise Farm, Kentucky, where I am right now, did NOT make the cut of new rolling out cities.

In You Tube news, they keep upgrading the Chrome stuff for the service. This week is no exception. How about Turn Off the Lights and Feeds?

Or enhanced You Tube Topics Search?

Also at You Tube, Howcast is looking for a vlogger. You know that position is flatout meant for you, too. You look guh-rate on camera, you He/She Devil, you. Your hair be kicking, that looks awesome!

Speaking of films and videos and how much you need to be in them, Picasa now hosts HD video right next to your photos that are the best that I have ever seen. When you were through with modeling school did you get an advanced degree in photography? Your photos are amazing. REALLY.

Here are some Teh Google Doc RULER tips. Personally I think that rulers are the sexiest thing on any program. Have you ever seen them in Paint.Net? Man, they are almost pr0n!!!

Docs auto-corrections, LaTeX in equations, and images in cells. Oh, you are still using MS Office? Rube.

More stuff at the Apps Marketplace. Ming.ly looks like what I need to manage my stuff. If y'all had been clicking on the damned AdSense, I would be using that right this minute. Thanks...

Teh Google Search App for Windows phones. I am glad to see yet another phone OS and the requisite hardware that is better than an iPhone.

Enhancements for Teh Google News for smartphones. This includes the iPhone, so it is not only for smartphones, but for borderline retarded phones, too.

Speaking of phones that are of no use for normal people, the iPhone App Store (remove your shoes and your ball cap please, you are fucking up our Feng shui) has finally been dragged kicking and screaming into the year 2005 with the addition of a Teh Google Voice App. Who knows, with this addition to the iPhone capability, actual phone calls that are not immediately dropped might be on the horizon by 2013. We'll see.

Oh! Lookit this Big Ass laptop!!!

Last, but certainly not least, if you are finally getting ready to launch your new website or blog, you know the one that is going to be the best site for your photos that are amazing and your videos that are top notch, here are The Eighteen Steps that you need to follow. Add SEOmoz to your reader, too, or at least check out Whiteboard Friday on...um...Friday. You'll learn buttloads of new techie stuff.

I'm number two for "Kate Middleton Nude." Yes, on these ridiculous search strings, I am still 100% for first page rankings in less than three hours. Now, to figure out how to monetize the hot chicks posts. Maybe we can figure out a way to MARRY your awesome video posts to NUDE hot chicks?

If you are using an iPhone, buy a Kindle.

Please take the time to comment.


Anonymous said...

Mayonaise Farm, eh??? LOL! You crack me up.

Paul Mitchell said...

You really should check out Mayonnaise Farm. It is really just another way to say, "Sausage Fest."